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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 05/03/2018 20:23

Agree with everyone else.
You are not his long term partner.
It was handled badly but this is not your dp's fault.
If I were you I wouldn't go to the wedding at all, do something else nicer instead. But don't fallout with your dp over it!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/03/2018 21:59

Urgh, they're still at it.

Frazzled what a mean and stupid post that was. Have you read the thread? OP and her partner are moving in together shortly.

How dare you actually? You and all the other vultures on this thread. You must be so miserable if all you can do is get your jollies from trying to make the OP feel worse.

I hope this thread stays for posterity... the vacuous and thigh-rubbing on one mean-minded bilge-fest.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 05/03/2018 22:07

Get over yourself. A year together isn’t long term. A long term partner is one of 3 or 5 years. You don’t know the guy getting married. Yes your DP should go, it’s his friend. Yes it’s up to you if you want to attend the evening do.

Tippz · 06/03/2018 00:14

@Labradoodliedoodoo

and

@Frazzled2207

Try reading the thread properly before putting your demeaning and rude posts on! Hmm

The OP WAS invited to this wedding TWICE - then dis-invited (for no fucking reason!) So yeah she is within her rights to be royally pissed off!

And stop making her feel like shit for feeling low about it.

And a year together IS a fair amount of time. My DH would not have accepted ME not being invited to anything (with him) when we had been together a year!

saoirsesoige · 06/03/2018 00:22

ow dare you actually? You and all the other vultures on this thread. You must be so miserable if all you can do is get your jollies from trying to make the OP feel worse

Dramatic much? You're as bad as OP for making a mountain out of a molehill!

saoirsesoige · 06/03/2018 00:23

And a year together IS a fair amount of time. My DH would not have accepted ME not being invited to anything (with him) when we had been together a year!

Its not. Wouldn't have accepted you not being invited to anything he was.....what an arrogant nightmare he must be! "You have to invite my girlfriend if you invite me"...quick way to get invited to nothing, I'd say.

Obi1Kenobi · 06/03/2018 01:34

Meanwhile in Syria...

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 08:42

Telling OP that she isn't a long term partner, her DP isn't that bothered about her, or that she was being bitchy with friends and the suggestion that he will be unfaithful seems totally unnecessary. The DP's friend was rude and I wonder if those attacking OP for being upset about it were similarly rude when inviting people to their own wedding.

saoirsesoige · 06/03/2018 08:44

It's not unneccessary to point out that she is not a long term partner when her problem is that she thinks she is the only long term partner left out. It couldn't be more relevant in fact.
The friend has not been polite, but OP has over reacted.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 08:57

It's not unneccessary to point out that she is not a long term partner when her problem is that she thinks she is the only long term partner left out.

You can't "point out" something as fact when it is actually just your own opinion. There is no definition of "long term" partner. However, most people would think a year is a reasonable amount of time. Couples who are together for a year are usually quite serious about one another.

saoirsesoige · 06/03/2018 09:15

Don't be silly. Words do have meanings you know, and long term partner is not your girlfriend of less than a year. "occurring over or relating to a long period of time". Thats what long term means. A year is not that, and if you disagree you are simply wrong.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 09:22

Don't be silly. Words do have meanings you know, and long term partner is not your girlfriend of less than a year. "occurring over or relating to a long period of time". Thats what long term means. A year is not that, and if you disagree you are simply wrong.

It's not less than a year (or presumably won't be by the time of the wedding). It depends on the contest though doesn't it? What would you define as a "long period" of time? Ultimately it is just a matter of opinion. Also, you don't know how long the other "partners" have been together.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 09:22

contest context

saoirsesoige · 06/03/2018 09:23

It's not a matter of opinion, but you are as entitled to be wrong as anyone else

McTufty · 06/03/2018 09:37

I think looking at the OP’s update, she and her partner have now been together a year - in fact it may be their anniversary today! Happy anniversary OP!

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 09:47

It's not a matter of opinion, but you are as entitled to be wrong as anyone else

Oh really? Please link to a definition of "long-term" partnership where it states the period of time you need to have been together. Up until the 60s/70s many people would be married or at least engaged after a year together.

blastomama · 06/03/2018 09:48

It really doesn't matter if people were married or engaged after a year, pp is right that its not a long term thing.
Long term means years and years, we all know that. Long term illness, long term unemployed, long term contract, none of it ever means 12 months. 12 months would be short term.

Karigan1 · 06/03/2018 09:53

Sorry but this isn’t an invite to a cheap party. It’s an invite to a probably expensive meal and potentially a limited seating official venue of some type. To give you your seat maybe they have to not invite someone whose a family member or old friend. You’ve been invited to the evening do. Ask partner if he’ll go with you to just that instead of the whole thing and woman up. Weddings are expensive and sometimes hard decisions have to be made.

Incidentally I’m saying this whilst looking at an invite to just my partner for a wedding. I’ve told him he has to go as the friend has invited very few people so it’s obviously being kept low budget and he’s one of only 3 non family so clearly important to the friend.

Karigan1 · 06/03/2018 09:54

And we’ve been together 3.5 years lol

ArcheryAnnie · 06/03/2018 09:57

Sorry but this isn’t an invite to a cheap party. It’s an invite to a probably expensive meal and potentially a limited seating official venue of some type.

Then they shouldn't have invited her, twice, before disinviting her because they got the numbers wrong, eh, Karigan?

This isn't about "entitlement" to go to a wedding. It's about someone being rude by issuing an invitation, confirming the invitation, then withdrawing the information without being upfront about it.

Karigan1 · 06/03/2018 10:17

You ever planned a wedding eh ArcheryAnnie? If so then you will know that numbers are not known until you sit down and do the official invites. That’s the time the invite actually counts. They have been rude in mentioning it before invite and planning stage and she’s entitled to feel miffed about that but the whole sulking about it and not going to go to the evening do is more than a bit miffed it’s melodramatic and wallowing.

McTufty · 06/03/2018 10:33

I have planned a wedding. Using even a modicum of common sense, numbers are decided before you book the venue, and it is sensible to leave a few spare places.

But even if you do not know numbers and who will be invited, fine - just don’t tell anyone they’re invited till you have sat down and actually made that decision!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2018 13:04

No, saior-whateveryournameis, I'm just calling TWAT when I see it. So many on this thread too.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/03/2018 13:28

Long term means years and years, we all know that. Long term illness, long term unemployed, long term contract, none of it ever means 12 months. 12 months would be short term.

Actually, I'm pretty sure 12 months unemployment or sickness would be defined as "long-term" by the government and many agencies as "long-term". As far as contracts are concerned 12 months may not be long term but it is not usually short term either. It's not really relevant though is it? Generally couples who have been in a relationship for 12 months are quite serious about it whether or not it meets someone elses definition of "long-term".

blastomama · 06/03/2018 14:25

Actually, I'm pretty sure 12 months unemployment or sickness would be defined as "long-term" by the government and many agencies as "long-term

No, it isn't.

Generally couples who have been in a relationship for 12 months are quite serious about it whether or not it meets someone elses definition of "long-term"

You're confusing long term and serious, they are two different things. You can be short term and serious, or long term and not serious.

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