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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 04/03/2018 16:36

We have a family wedding coming up and it's no ring, no bring - no matter how long the relationship.

Awrite · 04/03/2018 16:37

This happened to me once. My bf at the time enquired as to whether or not I could come (very embarrassing) so I booked a trip to London to see an old uni friend. Had a great time.

Anyway, my point - I didn't want a pity or begged for invitation so organised my own weekend away.

I would do something like that if I were you op. Not nice to be excluded, you have my sympathy.

SenoritaViva · 04/03/2018 16:37

Technically you weren't really disinvited either. Groom stated an intention to invite you verbally and via text but the actual invitations hadn't gone out. To be disinvited you would've received an invite with your name on then told actually you weren't invited after all.

SilverySurfer · 04/03/2018 16:39

I agree with the majority of other PP and think crying about it is ridiculous. Of course your BF should go to his friend's wedding. Probably best you give it a miss or you'll be embarrassing yourself by sobbing in the middle of the dance floor Hmm

Piffle11 · 04/03/2018 16:39

It's hurtful, but not your DP's fault. His friend obviously invited you without having a clue about numbers, and the bride was probably wishing he'd kept his mouth shut. But I think you do need to get a grip: when you're tight on numbers there has to be a cut off somewhere. You may not feel like going to the night do, but I'd stick a smile on my face and go: there's nothing more sure to turn his mates against you than you making this all about you and acting like a martyr. I ended up missing my DH being an usher at a good friend's wedding because they insisted on no DC: DS2 was 4 weeks old at the time and BF ... the wedding was over 1hr drive away. They were pretty insistent about no babies, too: we didn't question it but another mutual friend did. Their wedding, their choice. I was upset to miss it, but as these people were good friends of my DH I smiled and got on with it (and bitched to my Dsis instead!) We see them regularly and I am totally fine with it now, and as I didn't make a big deal out of it, we get on well. I just think you pick your battles, so to speak: you're not going to win this one and could end up looking like a petulant whiner.

McTufty · 04/03/2018 16:39

My DH and I were engaged a year or so after meeting. It doesn’t matter if it is “long term” or not, if OP is a serious girlfriend of a “close friend” of the groom I’m surprised she isn’t invited given that other partners are. I cannot imagine not inviting a serious partner of one of my close friends to a wedding where near enough every other partner was invited.

Plus inviting and then disinviting is rude, whichever way you look at it.

I agree with the others OP that this is not your DP’s fault and that the B&G have not done it maliciously. It’s rude and I’m surprised so many on this thread don’t seem to think so, but it really isn’t worth getting this upset about.

Shadow666 · 04/03/2018 16:40

Technically you weren't really disinvited either. Groom stated an intention to invite you verbally and via text but the actual invitations hadn't gone out. To be disinvited you would've received an invite with your name on then told actually you weren't invited after all.

Oh, come on. A verbal invitation and a follow-up text is a pretty clear invitation.

Suburbanfocks · 04/03/2018 16:40

You've really overreacted here OP. At least the invite has been cleared up sooner rather than later. You could've assumed DP's invite included a plus 1 and actually turned up. Now that would've been awkward.
I don't know why you wouldn't want to go to the evening reception if you were looking forward to it before. I hope it's not to make a point to the bride and groom- they don't know you and wouldn't care.

TheCatsMother44 · 04/03/2018 16:40

YABU.

For heaven's sake, don't give your boyfriend grief over this, he's not the one who didn't invite you.

In my eyes, you aren't a long term partner, you've been together a matter of months, not quite a year. They can invite or uninvited who they want. Yes, it wasn't fair they invited you and retracted it which got your hopes up but that's their perogotive.

Stamping your feet over this doesn't show you in a good light to your boyfriend or his friends.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/03/2018 16:40

I was engaged after six months of dating.....does that not make one long term, or would the not under a year rule still apply? Given we have been together since 85 and married since 86, we've obviously stated the course

Not back when you first got together or engaged no.
The thing about long term is it requires a long term

Tara336 · 04/03/2018 16:40

This drama is the very reason people elope 🙄

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 04/03/2018 16:40

Gosh, I invited people to my wedding out of politeness and wish I hadn’t as they are no longer on our social circle. Looking back I wish I’d have been stronger and not invited them as at least 7 are exes yet they are still in our wedding photos. Should have been more selectve. YABU.

McTufty · 04/03/2018 16:41

And yeah, unless it’s very local, like fuck should you go hang round all day on your own and turn up to the evening do to meet everyone else who has been there all day.

loveasnowdrop · 04/03/2018 16:41

Going against the grain, you were invited twice then disinvited. I'd be pissed off but be the bigger person and go to the evening.

PuppyMonkey · 04/03/2018 16:41

I bet friend’s initial “oh yes you must come to the wedding dahling” was said in a moment if drunken enthusiasm. Grin And then he and his bride realised there were so many others higher up the pecking order than you.

An evening invite is great, go and catch up with your DP and enjoy yourself.

CircleofWillis · 04/03/2018 16:41

OP, you are understandably disappointed but it seems you are taking it personally. Please don't let it sour your relationship or make your DP feel bad about going and celebrating his close friend's wedding. Have a nice day to yourself and then go in the evening with a smile on your face. You'll be lovely and fresh and can charm the pants off his friends (not literally).

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 04/03/2018 16:42

Confused not my exes btw, that would be weird. I meant our friends exes!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/03/2018 16:42

You're not even a year together and don't live together...you are not a long term partner! You're a new girlfriend

This ^^

You've met the groom once. Refusing to go to the evening do is so silly. Just let your boyfriend go and celebrate his friend's wedding and enjoy it without any more grief.

Honestly, OP, you are sounding a bit petulant about it. If you can't bring yourself to go the evening do, then whatever, but cut back on the drama.

BerylStreep · 04/03/2018 16:44

If it's any consolation, I bet there have been a few words between the B&G when he explained to her that he had been issuing invitations to randomers without consulting her Grin

SlackPanther · 04/03/2018 16:45

It's unfortunate that your DP's friend invited you in the first place. It may be his bride's parents who are paying, he may not have realised how big the guest list was getting..it's unfortunate and insensitive, and he should have explained with an apology.

However, you cannot expect your DP to stand alongside you in this hissy fit. You ARE being hard work. He has said he's upset and he can't do anything about it. Expecting him not to go to his close friend's wedding is totally unreasonable.

Sulk and decline the evening do if you like - your loss.

Hmm: is this a revers? An OP wanting to know if she IBU because she has not invited someone her groom invited informally back in the summer?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2018 16:45

Not only do I think yabu, but if I were your boyfriend I would be wondering if I could be arsed with this kind of nonsense going forward.

CircleofWillis · 04/03/2018 16:45

BTW can someone explain the Sistine Chapel screaming comment?

Shadow666 · 04/03/2018 16:46

confused not my exes btw, that would be weird. I meant our friends exes!

I did wonder. Thought you might be Prince Harry or something.

iBiscuit · 04/03/2018 16:49

Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments

Which doesn't bode well for you remaining a girlfriend for much longer, let alone becoming an actual long term partner.

YABU.

rothbury · 04/03/2018 16:50

You really aren't a long term partner though are you? You have been dating less than a year and don't live together.

I imagine they have other family pressures on numbers and so you now have an evening invitation. If you don't want to go, then don't, but your boyfriend is going to get fairly fed up with you if you carry on with this self centred melodramatic behaviour I should think.

Why is it such a big deal to you? Weddings are SO BORING!