Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

[RParr]

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

Together less than a year and not living together = boyfriend. He's not your partner, weddings are expensive, of course the bride wouldn't want a random at her wedding and grow up.

Less than a year and not living together ('practically' doesn't count) does NOT a long term partner make.

Either go or don't go, but stop bothering your partner about it or he'll be an EX partner before you know it. DH and I have been MARRIED for 30 years and I wouldn't be bothered one jot if I wasn't invited to the wedding of a friend of his I'd only met once or twice. We don't live in each other's pockets.

By trying to force him to pick sides you are putting your partner in an awkward situation through no fault of his own.

You might be upset but you're going to have to put your big girl pants on and let this one go, for his sake.

Why are you so upset about it? This is what you need to work out.

There is more to this than meets the eye otherwise you wouldn't be so upset - given the length of your relationship and your limited connection with the couple.

Is it because you think it means that subconciously your bf has conveyed to them that you aren't in a serious relationship? Is it because you subconciously think his failure to "stand up for you" and your invitation means he doesn't really care? Is it because you are worried he'll reconnect with an ex-gf at the wedding without you?

Basically, your reaction is disproportionate in the circumstances. If I were you, just go to the evening do. TBH no one is really interested in sitting through YET another ceremony unless you are close to one or both of the couple and it actually means something to you. Weddings all the same once you've been to a few; it's the party that is the fun bit!!!

There are two outcomes here - one you'll still be with this bloke in 20 years time and you will always be "his nutty wife who flipped out about our wedding, threw her toys out the pram and refused to come to the evening party" OR two you'll split up with him and his friends will forever think "lucky escape we didn't have to put up with her in our social circle given the embarrasment with the wedding".

Grit your teeth and go with good grace. Couple of glasses of champagne in you really won't care.

Yanbu. I think it's so rude and selfish to invite people to a wedding and exclude their partners irrespective of the length of their relationship. I wouldn't go to a wedding if dp was so brazenly made to feel like a second rate guest.

Lol,at the total arbitrary mn relationship maths.under a year together=not serious
Yea,right. Acting like There is definitive time calculation when the gf becomes serious

Thanks to both of you. I didn’t expect everyone to agree with me (otherwise I wouldn’t have posted), I was more hoping for perspective on the situation because I have enough insight to recognise that I am likely being unreasonable and was hoping people would help me pick that apart. Instead it’s just been a bit of a vicious onslaught!

Everything is fine relationship wise :) We’re moving in soon and two days away from a year. I’m not really sure what qualifies/quantifies whether a relationship is long term, but that’s how we refer to each other.

There’s been a fair few questions. Not that it matters much now, but I’ve met both of them a fair few times (I should have included that), and I guess underlying general anxieties have made me have an overreaction/act immature/however you want to pitch it.

I’m sorry this caused such a massive amount of offence to some of you. As I said, I was hoping to gain perspective on the situation from fellow grown ups; I didn’t realise I would be told to go fuck myself or have quite so many personal insults levelled at me. Such is the nature of forums, I guess! But, picking between the insults, I do see that perhaps I am being a bit melodramatic and that maybe I am projecting anxieties from elsewhere onto a much smaller issue, and it’s useful to come away with that at least.

Anyway, thanks all for taking the time to answer!

It's MN. If you ask for a nice chocolate cake recipe, you'll get called a c* and told to fuck off by at least one person. Don't take it personally.

Fair play op

RParr, it's nothing to do with you or your post. Some posters here are just like that. Unhappy with their lot and a post like yours is a gift to slap you around and make themselves feel better, ignore them - and never apologise. You didn't cause offence, they did.

You were upset, you vented here. Good call. Just focus on how you can get past this, reconcile yourself to the fact that your partners is attending - and whether you want to go to the evening do or not. I'm sure he'd like you there and I'm sure your attendance will be appreciated by the bride and groom as well if you go. If you don't want to though, give a gracious present (from you and partner) and a viable excuse.

The random relationship maths,that’s v random.totally made up.passed off as fact
Apparently under a year one cannot possibly be serious.no, nope.on yer bike

Well done OP. What a grown up, dignified response. There are a lot of people that struggle to communicate or post on here without being rude, and that's a shame.
I do agree with the vast majority that YABU.
If it helps, dh and I have been married 24 years, and I've been to 2 weddings in the last 6 months that he wasn't invited to .
Traditions change, etiquette evolves. It is ok to invite people to weddings without their other halves now. People have to budget.

All that said, well done on your dignified response.

@RParr a gracious response to many ungracious posts. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide

Once you've organised a wedding, you'll get it!

We were limited to 80 guests for the ceremony (and we over invited by 10-15 guests and still had 80 turn up on the day!) and we had to be very careful with numbers - some siblings weren't invited but friends were, we had to decide that uni friends couldn't bring partners etc.

No one complained, especially the uni friends without partners, as they have all been married themselves and know how difficult it is to sort the numbers.

Why so upset? If you want to go & I think u do then go to evening do. Is it worth a row?

I agree Back a dignified response indeed. Well done RParr for taking the comments on board even though some were a little terse. 👏🏻

I knew with someone with a no ring,no bring.that extended to unmarried but cohabitating
Considered cohabitee partners as not serious. If it was serious they’d be married
And naturally no children,they detract from the event apparently

I agree there are some nasty and spiteful posts, you can get your point across without being nasty. Good on you op, for taking it on the chin.i think long term, anything over 3 years.

Lipstick - to be fair, most people didn't say it wasn't serious, they just said it wasn't long term in their opinion. One friend of mine supported her boyfriend of six weeks through his father's death followed by an eye operation that could have left him blind. No doubt, they were serious straight away, but it still wasn't long term.

Oh and forgot to say, we specifically said no plus ones and no children unless specifically named due to numbers. +1s were only given to people who wouldn't know any/many other people there so they weren't sat on their own all day/night

It's so needlessly spiteful here lately.

AIBU has ALWAYS been like that.

Dear OP The couple are being very rude to you. You were invited and now you are not. Although I would not have become upset, the couple would go right onto my shit list. No christmas cards, invitations etc.

I will also add that my husband would decline the invitation if I was excluded.

Again I didn’t do the math on how many,or what % said under a year is not serious
I’m commenting on the sheer arbitrary application of a figure(1yr) and passing off as fact

“arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude. ”

So this is really about your DP and how he’s handled it - not the wedding of someone you barely know.

I can see why you’re upset. It almost suggests your DP sees a sell-by on your relationship whereas you see a potential future with him?

Maybe he didn’t think you’d still be together by the time his friend gets married? Maybe his friend did consult with him and ask him if he minded that you weren’t invited?

What did you DP say when everyone was calling the groom to be rude?

I will also add that my husband would decline the invitation if I was excluded.

Yes, your husband. Not your boyfriend of less than a year.