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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 04/03/2018 16:51

Well, I can see why you are a put out. It's embarrassing to have been definitely invited and then very casually disinvited. It should have been done with a lot more grace by them

But I don't think your DP should decline the invitation

I wonder if the degree of your upset is because it's touching a nerve in you about how your DP's friends see you/ your DP sees you. You are more serious about your future than you suspect he is about you? I don't know. Maybe a suggestion

FWIW I think a year is a pretty long time.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2018 16:51

'Since when was dating for less than a year and not living together classed as a long term relationship?'

On MN, everyone's a partner after they've known each other 5 minutes. Get a grip, OP.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 04/03/2018 16:52

OP you are being massively unreasonable. You're not a long term partner, met the groom what twice? Ever met the bride? Why on earth would you expect a full invite when you are barely in the acquaintance category never mind full friends and family. Yes groom has been silly inviting but never think you're definitely invited till card lands on the mat.

I had a friend who happily dished out verbal invitations to all and sundry after announcing his engagement (mostly while tipsy in that bonhomie way at various social events) until his fiancée sat him down and explained each and every one of those people would cost them well over £100 each to feed and water. He calmed down a lot and their wedding was fairly small in numbers in the end. Maybe your DP friend was same until he realised how much weddings actually cost??

NotAgainYoda · 04/03/2018 16:55

Oh I hate people saying get a grip

She's experiencing a strong emotion and trying to work out why she feels that way

Get a grip is so dismissive

viques · 04/03/2018 16:55

It's a wedding. Of someone you have met once and someone who you haven't apparently met. Unless their names are Harry and Meghan you are being very petty. Go to the evening do if you can get their easily and have a good time. Otherwise decline, wish them well and plan a good night in with a film a takeaway and your cosiest pjs.

viques · 04/03/2018 16:56

There.

pasturesgreen · 04/03/2018 16:57

YABU, sorry. Massive overreaction on your part. Can't believe you actually cried over this total non-event. Dial down the drama a bit would be my suggestion.

And no, having been together 'just under a year' doesn't make you long term partners.

Winebottle · 04/03/2018 16:58

I don't think it is hurtful. You don't live together, have been with him less than a year and aren't engaged. You are a GF so you shouldn't be surprised you are first in line if they are struggling with numbers. It is not personal.

Having said that, they should have managed expectations better. I would not be going to the evening to. I'm not interested in consolation prizes if I'm not invited to the main event.

greendale17 · 04/03/2018 16:59

You are being silly. One year isn’t a long term relationship whatsoever.

Agustarella · 04/03/2018 17:00

YANBU. Definitely don't go.

kubex · 04/03/2018 17:02

What a child you are!

You've met the groom once and have spat your dummy out for 'only' being invited to the evening do.

Grow up OP!

'Long term' partner?? 😂 You haven't even been together a year! And there is a big difference between 'pretty much' living together and actually living together.

Given the way you have acted over this, with the tears and tantrums, I wouldn't be planning for the relationship to be going on much longer if I was your partner.

TwitterQueen1 · 04/03/2018 17:02

CircleofWillis

You need to read this It's so funny. A drama llama of epic proportions...

RaspberryBeret34 · 04/03/2018 17:03

I think it was rude to invite (in person and text) and then not actually invite you.

But I think I'd try and understanding - weddings are stressful and costly and sometimes you're crunching the numbers and people to invite and just can't make it work. As you've been together less than a year, you are bound to be the one bumped, as unfortunate as that is for you.

It's understandable you're upset but I'd really try and let this one go, plan a nice day for yourself anyway and wave your DP off happily. It probably won't be easy for him either and he'll miss you as he'll be surrounded by couples.

I wouldn't go to the evening do either but would just say you now made other plans.

ThisLittleKitty · 04/03/2018 17:03

You cried?! Confused

Tinkerbec · 04/03/2018 17:03

I am with you op. I think it’s rude.

I wanted everyone to enjoy my day. So I invited partners at extra cost to me. Weddings are about love.

I just think its very off.

Littlechocola · 04/03/2018 17:03

Why do you even want to go?

Littlechocola · 04/03/2018 17:04

Tinkerbec, we’re the opposite and eloping. It’s about us.

Jenasaurus · 04/03/2018 17:05

I guess when/if you marry your boyfriend, you can always invite his friend but not his friends wife (joke)

Whocansay · 04/03/2018 17:05

I understand that your feelings are hurt, but this is clearly not personal. You've met this man once and I assume you've never met the bride. You must be aware that they are going to have limited space and will want to ask long term friends and family first. You are pretty much a stranger to them.

If you are serious about this boyfriend, let this go. I would go to the evening do and take the opportunity to get to know his friends. You will do yourself no favours by alienating his friends by making this a thing.

Tinkerbec · 04/03/2018 17:07

Littlechocola

That makes more sensevif it ys just them but this wedding clearly isn’t.

I actually think eloping is the best way. Stops all of the fussGrin

NachoFries · 04/03/2018 17:09

@TidyDancer I agree. Op, look at the bright side, you don’t really know the couple that well so no great loss. I mean, it’s not as though you’ve been friends for a long while, been sent a Save The Date card and then after getting disinvited, just then to be asked by the bride-to-be to decorate the hall for her precious guests Wink

mojito55 · 04/03/2018 17:10

I think this was poorly handled by the groom and your DP, but just try to shake it off, it was definitely not malicious - wedding planning is stressful!

McTufty · 04/03/2018 17:10

I guess when/if you marry your boyfriend, you can always invite his friend but not his friends wife (joke)

You’re joking but I can tell you now that if/when the OP and her DP get married, this bride and groom will not only expect to both be invited but probably expect an invitation for their child as well.

Jeds55 · 04/03/2018 17:12

This happened to me. Totally understood that it was a numbers issue and did not take it personally (I had been with partner for longer too). It's not personal - they don't have an infinite number of spaces/ money

Gitfeatures · 04/03/2018 17:12

Decline the evening invitation if you want, but you're not making a point - no one cares whether you attend, only you, so don't go cutting your nose of to spite your face just because you haven't been invited to the boring bit that you can't hear a word of anyway.

And stop giving your other half grief - it's not his fault, and you're being ridiculous to expect him not to attend the wedding of a friend because they don't have space for someone who only met one of the couple in August.