Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

[RParr]

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

You are not a long term partner, only under a year. That aside, it was rude of him to invite you twice, then withdraw that invite. Tbh I would not go to any of it, as yiu were only invited to tge evening, because yiur partner mentioned it to his friend. Go have a nice day instead, and let your partner sort out the card and pressie.

YANBU. You were invited (verbally), then confirmed (by text). It’s incredibly rude then to not invite you on the formal invitations.

It’s also incredibly rude to invite all the other wives/partners/girlfriends and not you. Or even if he was single a +1.

It’s, again, really rude of his mate not have phoned your DP & said, ‘Sorry mate, we can’t invite RP. I feel awful but I over invited verbally and now we can’t fit everyone in 😫. I hope she’s ok about it and we’d love her to come to the evening do where there’s a bit more room’.

Still, you can’t do much about how rudely others behave.

However, your partner has acted badly. Why didn’t he tell you when the invitation arrived? Why didn’t he call his friend and say ‘Hey mate, did you forget RP’s name?! It’s just you’ve invited her twice but not put her name on the formal invitation?’ See what he said, at least then he’d have been able to confirm it was a mistake or tell you why you are no longer invited.

It’s his lack of giving a shit that would piss me off & make me question our relationship.

I’d be glad not to have to go though, weddings are as dull as ditch water. Unless they’re a Picnic in the Park or at the beach or something.

twitterqueen that link was fab - No idea how I missed that brilliant thread

Maybe OP has name changed?

I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding.

But you aren't a long term partner. You've been together less than a year and it sounds as though you barely know the B&G. Invitations need to be decided upon and printed up ages in advance so I imagine they just invite the priority people by actual invitation then leave it flexible for Plus Ones for the evening do.

They could have managed it a bit more diplomatically, but I don't think they've done anything wrong. Don't make this a hill to die on, you'll end up looking petty and silly, and like it should be all about you. Just go to the evening do.

What a bizarre problem.

You don't know the bride, have met the groom once, only been with their friends less than a year and you think that means you deserve to go to the wedding?
Your partner's loyalties probably lie with his friends over you at this stage. I would be raging if one of my oldest and closest friends didn't come to my wedding becuase their drama queen of a partner wouldn't let them. Fuck you trying to make their day all about you

Thank goodness for NotAgainYoda. All this unnecessary piling on to labour the point that the OP is merely a girlfriend and actually, quite insignificant.

It's interesting though, such nasty responses well, they come from somewhere, don't they? People who are happy in their relationships don't post like the majority have. You're utterly pathetic.

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OP, let this one go. You were a girlfriend back when you were invited too and they should have been more circumspect in issuing an invitation that they couldn't uphold for you. It's not personal, even if it feel like it. Let your partner go to this wedding without having the guilt of your not attending. Go to the evening do if you can face it.

You’re joking but I can tell you now that if/when the OP and her DP get married, this bride and groom will not only expect to both be invited but probably expect an invitation for their child as well.

Maybe they will, and maybe that will be because they both know the groom really well and because they are married and have been together years. So that would not really comparable to the OP's current situation.

You sound really immature.

You’re someone’s girlfriend. You’re not even a partner, and nowhere near a long-term one.

Rummage a nice dress out and go dance at the party they’ve been more than polite enough to invite you to.

Carry on like this Op and you won't be hitting the one year mark.

Come on, give your head a wobble and see the bigger picture. Chances are the groom mentioned to the bride that he'd invited some random (which you are) and all the careful numbers planning/budgeting was messed up.

We are getting married soon and I wouldn't want to be forking out for randoms I'd never even met.

It would have been totally fine of they hadn't invited you to the wedding, and just your partner. Couples don't have to do everything together, and it's fine to have friends who are closer to one partner than the other.

What puts this into rude territory is that they invited you, disinvited you, then didn't even have the courtesy to tell you properly. They've behaved very badly.

On the other hand - is this the hill you want to die on?

I agree Lying, I woukd just tell op to meet with her friends or do something nice by herself. And skip the whole lot. I coukd not go to something I was only invited to as my partner mentioned it to tge groom, I have my pride.

Thanks Lying

The first few posts tend to set the tone. So is 'we' decide she's immature and needs to get a grip, then that's what people say.

Maybe she is quite young. But maybe this is less about the people getting married than about her DP

I have been with my DH for nearly 30 years and after 1 year I felt as seriously about him as the OP seems to about her DP, even though they don't live together. This has touched a nerve in her.

How are things with your DP generally, OP?

OP, you need to get a grip.

I imagine something like this happened

Groom: "Oh by the love, I've invited John's girlfriend to the wedding"
Bride: "who is she, I haven't met her have I?"
Groom: "urm no you haven't"
Bride: "well everything is booked and paid for and we dont have the room for randoms. You'll have to tell John she can just come for the evening"

No personal attack on yourself OP. Just logistics!!!

Her partner can’t control who’s invited to his mate’s wedding. That’s ludicrous. At least he’s not having a wobbler because of basic wedding logistics.

People also don't seem to want to read the OP carefully. They decide this is some sort of Guestzilla scenario and act accordingly.

Finally, I'd ask whether some of you really think the OP's DP should chuck her for getting upset about something. Even something trivial. Seems a bit extreme to me

The first few posts tend to set the tone. So is 'we' decide she's immature and needs to get a grip, then that's what people say

That's not true and a bit insulting to other posters, to be honest.

Really, this is not about you at all.

You were a potential name on a list they were probably trying to cut down to be able to afford THEIR wedding! When going through the list the groom had met you a couple of times and the bride not at all. Wouldn't have made many people's cut unless they could afford unlimited plus ones.

You absolutely cannot expect a boyfriend to turn down the wedding of a friend.

@tournesolet the reasoning on this thread that weddings are expensive and numbers are tight doesn’t suddenly disappear if you get married later than most of your mates and have fewer “randoms” you can exclude because your mates are all already married/been together whatever arbitrary period of time MN has decided makes it a proper relationship. Has the OP said that her DP knows the bride really well?

Anyway i support the rift of the B&G to invite who they want but I think the issue here is a) the fact that the oral invitation was dropped without warning and b) that other partners are all invited so it feels to OP like she is the one excluded. It’s not about her and I’ve already said upthread it’s not worth being upset about but I can understand how it has come across to her and think people on this thread have been very harsh, calling her a “random” and telling her to “fuck off” etc

Whatever you do, please don't be tempted to write 8 pages of drunken drivel to the groom berating him for not inviting you.

DH exgf, yes, I'm looking at you.

SheGot

Oh well I'm sorry but it's how I feel. If people start out kind, without name calling, FFsaking and telling people to get a grip then it carries on that way.

Your partner didn’t raise this cause it’s not a biggie.except you’ve made it a biggie
Weddings aren’t about the guests,they’re essentially about the bride & groom
You're reading so much into this,and generating unnecessary hoo-ha
Just be cool,stop crying,and ease up on the oh so hurt.youre overstating it

They were rude and gauche about over inviting (my fiance and I are being VERY CAREFUL about what people think about the guest list), but you are also being precious and yes, hard work.

It can't be a personal slight, because you have barely met them. They made a mistake, and you want your partner to suffer for it.

I do tend to agree that a year together isn't long term, regardless of what you squeeze into it. My fiance and I thought we would get married after 3 months together. Just because it turned out to be true ten years later didn't make us a sure bet at the time!

I don’t think ‘long term partner’ means what you think it means.

You’re taking this far too personally. You’ve not met the bride and barely met the groom, an evening do sounds fair. It’s not ideal they invited and rescinded, but planning a wedding is a logistical nightmare and also expensive. Be honest, would you spend £70 on them both for dinner to the detriment of closer friends? Because effectively that’s what you’re expecting them to do.

Chances are OP that the B & G are paying in the region of £100 per guest for a day event, and that means that it will be people that are important to them. You're not living with your partner, have only met the Groom once and you're feeling put out?! You seriously need to get a grip, say thank you for the evening invitation and take the chance to meet the people in your bf's life with a little grace. Their wedding day is about them, not you.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes, it's exactly right. Read the first ten posts for yourself and see the pattern. Some posters just can't wait to wade in and give the OP a slapping down. Why is that even necessary?

The irrelevant drivel that's been posted, and copied from those posts - it's the phenomenon of 'Ignore the first post by the OP altogether and comment on the one/ten below'.

The posts on this thread are, in the majority, spiteful. If that's insulting to posters well, good. They deserve far more opprobrium themselves than they're dishing out to the OP.

It's so needlessly spiteful here lately.