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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disinvited from partner’s friend’s wedding

335 replies

RParr · 04/03/2018 16:09

My DP and I have been together for a little under a year now, and pretty much live together. I met a close friend of his in August, who invited me to his wedding. He then extended the invitation via text again in December.
When the invite arrived, it listed my partner only. DP didn’t mention this until two weeks later during my birthday trip when I started talking about how excited I was to go. He said he had asked the guy and he had said “Oh, we’re short on numbers, but she can come to the evening do if she likes.”
I thought about it and decided that i won’t go to the evening event if I am not invited to the day event, especially as the evening invite was only extended once my DP asked why I hadn’t been invited.
I am the only long-term partner who has been excluded from the wedding. There was no forewarning that I was disinvited - it just happened.
Because of this, we’ve had a couple of arguments. I was peeved that DP didn’t mention it to me until the topic of conversation came up, irritated that DP didn’t seem to be all that bothered, and to an extent I am upset that he is going when his friend has been so incredibly rude.
I’ve managed to keep quiet about it lately, but last night we were out with some friends and one of them asked if I was excited about the wedding. It then became the topic of conversation for the night as they all sat around and said how rude he and his partner have been in doing this. I wanted to drop it, as the topic upsets me, but I did eventually cry after we left and told my partner that I was still upset, and that I couldn’t understand how he was happy with going to a wedding where his friend had disinvited me with no explanation.
He said he’s not happy about it, but can’t do anything about it. I feel like I am potentially being hard work here, but I did say that had I been in his position I would have politely declined, but that now that we’re three weeks away from his friend’s big day it would look horrendous if he were to decline now.
Sorry for the babble, but I guess I’m wondering if I am being unreasonable for declining the evening invite that was only extended after DP asked his friend about the disinvite, and AIBU for feeling slighted?
I’ve never been in this position, so I can’t get my head around why I feel so hurt.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 04/03/2018 16:25

but if they have been that rude and your partner expects you to put up with it, and mostly, much rather upset you going than upset his friend by not going...

II wouldn’t mind so much being disinvited to the wedding, but would be seriously wondering if this guy has my back (most probably not).

SenoritaViva · 04/03/2018 16:25

It isn't your partner's fault. Don't take it out on him. I think it's unfortunate but when they sat down to plan they realised they had to cut their numbers somewhere. It's not personal.

mynameisLuca · 04/03/2018 16:25

was engaged after six months of dating.....does that not make one long term, or would the not under a year rule still apply?

Long term means LONG term, six months is not long term no matter whether you were engaged or married or whatever.

strawberrysparkle · 04/03/2018 16:26

Your not a long term partner so I really wouldn't be offended.

Pickleypickles · 04/03/2018 16:26

Sorry but YABU to be upset about this. As someone else said, you havent been together a year so can only have been together months on the one and only time you met the groom. If someone had invited me to their wedding in those circumstances i would actually be expecting an invite tbh. Have you even met the bride???
If you dont want to go the evening do thats ok, though you shouldnt not attend out of spite for not being invited to the day.

ferrier · 04/03/2018 16:26

Been together nearly a year and pretty much live together seems like a long term partner to me.
Groom is at fault for inviting and disinviting. Irrelevant that you don't know the bride - I didn't know any of my dh's work colleagues and many of his friends that were at my wedding.
But, initial mistaken invite aside, I wouldn't be too upset at just getting an evening invite - weddings are just too expensive to invite everyone.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 04/03/2018 16:26

Since when was dating for less than a year and not living together classed as a long term relationship?

They can invite who they like. We didn't invite bfs/gfs only spouses as wanted a small intimate wedding with people we actually knew and loved.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 04/03/2018 16:27

You are a relatively new girlfriend that they haven’t known that long or that well. The idea you might have a strop on because you don’t have a daytime invite is ludicrous. If you were a relative of his you might have a point.

But in this situation you need to get a massive grip. Huuuuge.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 04/03/2018 16:27

It is his partner’s fault, he is playing along with it knowing that by doing so he is turning his back on his partner.

I would understand if they have not done so much fuss about inviting her and then just removing her from the list with no care whatsoever for her feelings, or respect to their friend.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/03/2018 16:27

Do you scream at the Michaelangelo in the Sistine Chapel too?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/03/2018 16:28

No, it doesn't make it long term, scaryteacher, why would it? Confused The fact that you've lasted couldn't have been foreseen back then, lots of others like you probably didn't last the year...

Littlechocola · 04/03/2018 16:28

You are being quite dramatic about it all.
He really shouldn’t decline just because you are not invited! That would be rude and why should he?

CobraKai · 04/03/2018 16:28

Oh come on, it's not hurtful at all. Bizarre that you'd expect your DP not to go and silly that you wouldn't go to the evening do.

sparklefarts · 04/03/2018 16:29

You're not a long term partner. And you're massively over reacting.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound rude, but It's true.

If you were excited, just go to the evening. Weddings are a faff and they can't invite everyone under the sun

Pickleypickles · 04/03/2018 16:29

wouldnt be not would be

MotherofDinosaurs · 04/03/2018 16:30

This is someone else's wedding! It's not about you! Wedding planning is tricky, it's all about balancing the numbers. You're not a long term partner or a close friend of the bride and groom, this is THEIR day. Just smile nicely be a grown up and accept the evening invitation graciously.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/03/2018 16:30

Why on earth is this wedding so important to you, that you spent both your birthday trip and a night out with friends bollocking on about it?

TwitterQueen1 · 04/03/2018 16:31

I am copying two posters' comments as I can't improve on them.

You've only been with him less than a year and you don't live together.
An evening invitation is plenty, and your DP should attend the wedding.
YABU ThreeFish

PMSL at MrsSchadenfreude Do you scream at the Michaelangelo in the Sistine Chapel too?

He's not your best friend OP, he's your DP's. Weddings are hugely expensive and decisions have to be made....

BerylStreep · 04/03/2018 16:34

I think you are in danger of making their wedding day all about you.

LineysInTheSnow · 04/03/2018 16:34

I just don't think you can take this personally. It doesn't sound like you know the bride at all?

If you're pissed off with your boyfriend, tackle that tbh.

TITANIUMPINS · 04/03/2018 16:35

I agree with love school absolutely see why you are upset but it will not be personal and definitely not worth falling out with DP. Men are rubbish at this sort of thing! Why not go in the evening for harmony sake if you and DP are together then you might need to think of thr long game !

WilburIsSomePig · 04/03/2018 16:35

Well, I wouldn't say it's been handled terribly well but I'm afraid I think you're being a little silly.

You've been together for under a year which, for me, is not a long-term partner (I really don't mean that unkindly). It's not your boyfriend's fault so of course he should go to the wedding, it would be ridiculous for him not to. You'll face much bigger issues than this over the next few years if you stay in a relationship with him, so I would just let it go.

lifechangesforever · 04/03/2018 16:35

I didn't invite any of my friends partners to the wedding day.. they were asked to come to the evening only, if they wanted to.

I wasn't going to bump off actual friends and some family so that partners I barely know could come.

Yes it's crappy that it was intimated you could go but you shouldn't have taken anything as gospel until an invite arrived. You've no idea how hard it is (let alone expensive) to get the numbers right.

Just go to the evening do and don't be a spoil sport or ruin it for your partner.

TheC · 04/03/2018 16:35

The fact that he’s a close friend and you expect your dp not go is ridiculous.

If a new partner said that to me and had constant arguments over this then I would be rethinking the relationship in all honesty.

You need to stuck it up, get over the hurt and go to the evening do.

Shadow666 · 04/03/2018 16:36

I think they were really rude but I can see why he doesn't want to create drama about the whole thing.

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