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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

449 replies

Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:12

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years (Shock) and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

OP posts:
crazydoglady6867 · 04/03/2018 08:16

Yanbu, no. It is NEVER too late to find a partner and marry, that is up to you. There are groups you could join, there are even dating sites for people to find a husband/wife you need to realise your need and stop dreaming. (Not sure about children, don’t know how old you are but, Children are overrated anyway!!) Get out there and find yourself a lifetime partner.❤️

Deandre · 04/03/2018 08:20

Everyone has this, if younwas married with children it would be friends who went travelling and lived their lives free, or that pet dog you wanted but couldn’t because one of the kids had allergies, it’s always something so don’t worry about it, the grass isn’t always greener.

flumpybear · 04/03/2018 08:20

You'll find someone and kids, well if you're beyond about 50 thee are other ways or just different things in life - chose your pathway and follow your desires

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:21

Dean, I haven’t travelled or done the rollercoaster ride of exciting things you’re supposed to do as a single woman either. Because I have had no one to go with and haven’t been able to afford it as living costs when you live alone are so high.

Crazy it’s not that simple, and ‘children are overrated anyway’ Is a tad flippant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:21

I doubt it flumpy

OP posts:
8SaltandVinegar · 04/03/2018 08:22

Agree with Deandre. There's an absolute huge amount of stuff you can do that married/parents can't.

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:23

That would be great if I wanted to do it, but I don’t, and for the most part, I can’t afford to.

OP posts:
knockknockknock · 04/03/2018 08:23

@Weddingwishes How old are you??

sonjadog · 04/03/2018 08:26

I´m in the same position and now it is too late for me to have children, so that is off the cards forever. It does make me sad if I think about it, but I reckon everyone could say that about things in their life. Everyone has things that they wish were different and that they felt they missed out on. The important thing is to focus on what you have and be thankful for that. So that is what I try to do.

chocolateiamydrug · 04/03/2018 08:28

how old are you, OP?

Marriage is not everything. Lots of people are in shit relationships and it is much better being single than being stuck in an unhappy relationship.

As for DC. I love mine but one is severely disabled and it has a very profound impact on our life (financially, emotionally, mental health wise - we are fucked on so many levels). Guess I am saying that the grass isn't always greener.

But agree, never to late to find a partner.

PurpleDaisies · 04/03/2018 08:28

.Not sure about children, don’t know how old you are but, Children are overrated anyway!!

I bet you’ve got kids. If you wanted them but weren’t able to have them, how would you feel about someone saying they’re just overrated anyway? It’s insensitive and not at all funny.

Op, have you thought about counselling? It’s hard to accept life not turning out as you expect.

Original poster
Weddingwishes · 04/03/2018 08:28

I won’t get into how old I am, if you don’t mind Smile purely because well meaning posters will try to tell me there is still time, which isn’t really what I’m about here. Technically it’s true, in the same way it’s possible to do a lot of things, but its not going to happen now and I need to accept that and try to move on.

OP posts:
ShortandAnnoying · 04/03/2018 08:31

It's not that its wrong to want those things but you sound very down. I'd focus on lifting your mood. A husband and kids wouldn't make you happy if you have low moods and depression. Once you are feeling better you can think about whether you want to start looking more seriously for a partner.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 04/03/2018 08:34

You’re not being unreasonable feeling sad. I think people’s instincts are to do the whole ‘look on the bright side thing’, but sometimes you just want your feelings acknowledge.

I feel sad don’t have a proper career. If I say this out loud I get a lot of ‘you never know what’s around the corner/you could retrain’. I’m 46, I know realistically it’s not going to happen.

I think the only thing to do is to accept how you feel, but not to let it consume you.

moonriverandme · 04/03/2018 08:35

Why do you feel it's not going to happen now? I understand the children part is age related but you can meet someone and marry at any age.

Squeegle · 04/03/2018 08:35

I think that all of us have regrets, it is hard sometimes not to. I have two children who I love dearly, but also deeply regret the man I chose as their father. Basically I wish I’d made different choices which might have meant that our lives would have been happier.
I completely sympathise with you OP, but I do agree strongly that a life with children is not the only way of finding fulfilment. And In fact can be deeply unfulfilling as the feeling of being trapped and responsible can be overwhelming.

So, I guess all I’m saying is that we’re all where we are and we have to accept that our lives are not perfect, as maybe we ince imagined they would be, children or no children, husband or no husband, and make sure we do some things that will fulfill us in the future. As much as we can!

JustDanceAddict · 04/03/2018 08:37

My best friend feels like this & she’s too old now to have kids. I don’t really know why it never happened for her as she had long term boyfriends on and off up until we were about 33 and then it all dried upfront her. By that time I was married w 2 kids but never thought it wouldn’t happen for her.
She doesn’t have money for extensive travel etc but has been to a few cool places over the years, but I know she’d have swapped that for being married/kids.
She def has time to meet someone, but she’s not having much luck in finding a normal guy atm. Good luck to you.

LagunaBubbles · 04/03/2018 08:37

Biologically they may well still be time to have children. I guess you're talking about meeting someone first. We never know what is round tbe corner for us.

JustDanceAddict · 04/03/2018 08:39

Bluths I feel the same re career, I could’ve had a much better one but it’s not going to happen now. My job is ok but it’s going nowhere fast!

Minestheoneinthegreen · 04/03/2018 08:39

But there is a huge difference between being 55 and never married with children and 35 and in the same position. Realistic at 55, fairly dramatic and catastrophising at 35.

CavoliRiscaldati · 04/03/2018 08:41

The most memorable wedding I went to was celebrating the union of a 78 year bride and her 76 year old husband.

It might be too late to have children, of course you can be sad about it. It's not too late to find the right companion. Nothing wrong with living alone if you prefer, but nothing wrong preferring having someone either . I thoroughly enjoyed being single in my 20s, would hate it now. Others are much happier when they feel they don't have to compromise.

Don't stop yourself from meeting someone now, either through a shared hobby or a group holiday, or even online dating if you want to be proactive. I do know a few married couples who met online. You won't have photos of a 20 year old you in a white dress, but it doesn't mean you have to give up on being happy.

RockinRobinTweets · 04/03/2018 08:42

You need to make the best out of your situation and be at peace with that. Don’t allow yourself to be a victim.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 08:43

'Somehow in a flash, you're not young anymore'.

I know what you mean. I have a dc but I've been single forever really.

Placemarking really so I can properly read this. With coffee

Shockers · 04/03/2018 08:43

If you keep telling yourself things will never happen, then they won’t. I’m not saying live each day in constant and exhausting hope, but an open mind wouldn’t hurt.

You’ll have to step outside of your norm for something to change. Just a little bit to start with-then a little more.

TuscanMum · 04/03/2018 08:45

It’s very hard op.

Lots of us have lives that don’t turn out the way we plan. I returned to uni age 26 to train for a career I always wanted. Loved it and got a job which I was delighted with.

After having my 2 children I was diagnosed with a severe type of inflammatory arthritis which means I can only work 3 days max and worry it’ll be less in the future.