To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
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Life is short op. Make some exciting plans?! There are ways to travel without having loads of money. Do a Tefl course and teach abroad for a year? Go and do some volunteering overseas?

Not sure what you want people to say in response to your thread really...

Either you are happy to be single for ever or you are not? In which case maybe make some changes? Get out there & meet some new people / experience life? Retrain? Move house?

As for kids, if you're too old for this to happen then you could be a fun and loving Aunty (if you have nephews/ nieces?)

Look to date men who have kids already & become an amazing stepmother? Foster? Adopt?

The world IS your oyster 🐚

You sound quite depressed and defeatist OP.
And seem to have some problems with intimacy but this can be worked on.
You have looked back with regret. Own your life so in 20 yrs you don't do it again, as I can guarantee that will be even sadder.

I do think most of us at some point reflect on our lives and the what ifs. Sometimes we have specific regrets about things we haven't done and sometimes it's a more a general feeling that life is passing by. I imagine for some people it is a grieving process for things that will never happen. I think giving yourself permission to indulge the feelings you have is important. It is so easy to dismiss them and for people to encourage you to be optimistic. However it is also important to reach some acceptance of the things you cannot change and move forward searching for new adventures and challenges. Give yourself some time and talk with good friends or seek professional help if you think that might help.

YANBU. But I would echo what has been said that you’re better off being single than in a relationship with a useless/cheating/abusive man and so many women find themselves stuck with these men in their lives because they’ve had children with them.

I am sure it’s not too late for you to meet someone.

The key is knowing what you want.
If you want to be safe and unchallenged rather than take the risk of a good relationship that's what you get.

You could be too old for children now but actually you didn't need to be married or even in a relationship to try for one ( if having a baby was a priority). So possibly they weren't that important to you?

If you really do want yo be married then you have to make it a priority. You have to date and be brave and meet men knowing they could be wrong and that there will be others.
Theres a good book about trusting in the universe. If all you give it is negativity that's all you get back. Tell it want you want - think big and really want it.

If it's just hit you then take today to grieve then tomorrow start to focus on what you do have and could still work towards.

Today make a list of everything you feel you've missed the boat on, drink hot chocolate, eat biscuits, watch sad films in your jogging trousers and old t shirt or whatever - as allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself.

Tomorrow make one page with a list of all the good things in your life - even tiny things, like lie ins and wine and chocolate and your favourite books/ films/ hobbies no matter how ordinary, a nice sofa or favourite pair of shoes, and big things like a good friend or close family member.

Then make a page with all your wishes and dreams, big and small, even crazy unachievable ones as well as tiny silly ones. Then pick one or two you could achieve, even if they're small things (a pet, even if it's a rat or a hamster because a dog is not realistic, for example, or treating yourself to a specific decadent item of clothing, and plan how to work towards them even if it'll take a while (eg by saving all your 20p coins or £3 a week if money is tight).

It helps to feel in control rather than wallow indefinitely.

You can go on holiday alone - travelling is more rewarding alone imo. But if it's not what you want then you haven't missed out!

Yes, I do understand what you’re all saying re it could happen.

However, I don’t get to meet anybody, never have. Online dating doesn’t work. My friends are all immersed in baby/toddler world (not a criticism, just how things are.) It all just feels strange and sad.

I really didn’t enjoy travelling alone. I tried, once, but it was very expensive and so many things were clearly aimed at couples I felt uncomfortable and self conscious.

But anyway travel isn’t the point, here, travel always finds its ways onto threads about single women and I don’t know why!

You need to look at what you have and what you are still able to achieve. Stop looking at reasons you can’t and find ways that you can. If that’s what you want. Life doesn’t come along and swept you off for adventures, you have to put effort in.

If you want to travel, make some loose plans on where you’d head first. Rent your home out. There are so many travel options these days. Places you can live in return for a little volunteering. You will meet people along the way and pick up loads of travel tips.
Join online dating sites. Or just meet up groups where single people meet others just to socialise. Walking groups, pub quiz groups. I have a single friend who is very difficult to meet up with as she has an amazing social life because she makes a real effort.
And if it’s a child or children that is the thing you most desire, it can happen. All that I’ve mentioned before can help you find a partner. I’ve got several friends who are amazing single mums, it’s not easy but millions are doing it. It’s not easy being in the wrong relationship either. My friend took herself to a donor clinic to have her child. She decided to do it on her own from the start.

You have total control of your situation and only you can make these things happen.

You're not being unreasonable to feel sad that you haven't found someone yet and that if you do it may be too late to have children, everyone has regrets in life but that is a big one.

But you can't help posters saying 'it's not too late', when it certainly isn't, at least to find a partner and get married.

At a guess, if you say you were looking at friends' wedding photos from 10 years ago you're probably late 30s / around 40 (given that most people get married late 20s /early 30s). So it isn't too late.

But if you want it to happen it sounds like you need to be a lot more proactive, you can't have the attitude anymore where you wake up one day and a year has gone by and you wonder where the time has gone.

Hello,

I've often felt like you. I used to get quite down feeling like an outsider and would get despondent wondering why I was different and what was wrong with me and why could I be married with children like everyone else. Like you I never had the money or desire to do loads of travelling and purchasing / living an expensive lifestyle

I was lucky I had a fabulous boss who took the time to listen to me and support me. He questioned ( gently) why j felt the need to be like anyone else. Gradually we realised it was the same time each month ( just before my period) that I got particular gloomy about my life and so I taught myself not to dwell on those life questions when they started creeping in my mind and go and do something to distract myself.

I also started to accept I'm different and my life story to date is a bit different to the norm but that's ok.

Finally I worked out what was most important to me and that was children ( I find the comment about children being overrated very flippant and this would have hurt me in the past)

So I took four years of thinking , saving, talking to friends and family and last year I took the plunge and had iui with donor sperm, got pregnant and moved back from London to where my family live.

I'm now 35 sitting here with a gorgeous baby boy with family popping by most days.

So I still don't have the traditional life but I'm now so happy. I guess I'm telling you this so you can try and accept you are different and think about what you wAnt from life/ what would make you happy? Good luck xxxxx

Single women are always told to travel op. I blame Eat, Pray, Love

Well, if you do want to travel, go with Explore - they’re good for lone travellers. If you don’t, then do the list thing suggested upthread, sounds good.

It's absolutely fine to feel sad.

But maybe worth looking forward 10 years and thinking if there's anything you can realistically do over that period to reduce the chances of you feeling the same then.

Wedding travel probably finds its way into threads about single women because it's what women with dependent children feel wistful about and imagine they'd do if single.

I spent 6 months travelling alone. Nothing was aimed at couples though it was often practical to pair up with a fellow female travelling alone to share a twin room if not staying in dorms. Budget backpacker travel is the preserve mainly of single people, it splits most couples up! It's not the preserve only of the young either - avoid clichéd gap year party places and you'll meet people of every age from 18 to the active retired into their early 70s!

So true. I wouldnt want to spend money to feel my 'aloneness' suddenly heightened by sadness at having nobody to say 'look at that!' too.

I want a holidsy with somebody whose company is easy.

You say you are moving house. I can understand you feeling nostalgic and a bit sad, moving house can do that to you because it pulls up memories. BUT you are moving house!!! A whole new world of opportunities has opened up for you, you can re invent yourself, join clubs and activities in your new area, get a dog, volunteer , take up a new sport. Or a new hobby. Start baking, start gardening. See what you can achieve in a year then come back and tell us what you have done.

You’re not unreasonable to be sad if those are things that you wanted for your life, of course not.

Plenty of things make plenty of people sad - failed or lost careers, relationships (partners, children, family), sickness/injury, bereavement - the list goes on.

But remember, there are many reasons to be sad, but also there are, or could be, many to make you happy as well, which don’t necessarily include children or a partner. If you don’t feel motivated to explore what these are or could be I would suggest that you may be slightly depressed or at leased fixated on what you perceive to be the negatives in your life (and to be honest, who doesn’t from time to time) and something like a talking therapy may benefit you, or at least something like mindfulness.

it's weird and sad realising the things you just presumed would happen when you were younger won't/might not happen at all. We all have to make our peace with our own situations at some point and focus on what does make us happy.

It is true that sometimes life surprises us, but I've found (as a natural pessimist!) that holding onto that hope indefinitely does me absolutely no favours what so ever. I get much more from just taking things as they come. It's also true that finances restrict you...

A good wallow every now and then does no harm as long as you recognise it for what it is and don't stagnate in it. Even better if it spurs you into taking some action but that's not a prerequisite.

No idea how old you are... but a single woman who wants children... could consider adopting as a lone parent, or if young enough coparenting or donor conception

Or is it that you are at peace with it but just a bit disappointed OP?

While I understand the melancholy of missed opportunity, that is the past. There is still a future.
You have a choice to make that more rich and satisfying than you sound right now. There are so many threads on here from women with children and partners who feel trapped and miserable, so clearly that is not the only way to happiness.

In 10 more years, you may well look back and think "Why did I think it was too late then? There was so much I could have been doing!"

We always want what we haven't got...I never wanted kids or a husband...I was meant to have a flying career..I totally understand you ,life is what happens when yr busy making plans

In answer to your question, YANBU. Getting married and having children are things that most of us expect to experience and you are allowed to feel sad that they haven't happened to you. I don't think you posted looking for advice, but to have your feelings heard and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's always hard when life doesn't work out as planned and I wish you well .

YaNbu, OP!

There is a hugeeee pressure on especially women to have the house, the husband and the children all by a certain age.

The UK adverage to have your first child is 28... so, working back from then, you're 'expected' to get married at what? 26? So engaged by... 24. And you'll have wanted to know your dream fiance for at least 4/5 years before he proposes so you should have met him at what? 20...

BUUUULLLLSHHHHIIITTTTTT

It's a ridiculous, pressured load of crap. Do things your way!! At 20, you may not have met your ideal partner - But it seems like you're ready to now. So best of luck! I'm sure it won't be long until you're very much in the thick of the dating game!!

Don't let society tell you when you should have achieved certain life goals. It will make you miserable.