To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
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I do have children,2, but I have never married. As a girl I always thought I 'd meet someone and be married in my 20's,but it never happened. I had my children in my late 30's ,early 40's. The father wasn't there for me or the kids. He told me he wasn't the marrying kind ,and he ever really showed me any love or affection. He has children elsewhere,but is not with her.
I am still searching for love and to marry. My eldest who is 9 keeps asking me when I will get married. I keep saying I need to find someone first.
I am in contact with a man who lives miles away from me,we have never met but he sounds nice and we have alot in common. I'm kind of cautious at the moment though. Once I've met him then who knows.
I've watched those programmes where two people marry without ever meeting before,to see if it works out. I don't think they even know what eachother look like either. I kind of think if they can do that then my situation can't be that bad.
So I would suggest you join a dating agency ,take your time ,don't rush into meet someone. Just have someone there to be in contact with ,when you're both ready you can meet.You might come across a few that just don't work out.Like they might just feel you aren't their type or vice versa but don't worry, I have been in contact with a few that just wasn't right,even though I liked them.I just kept looking. Just be positive that you will meet someone,keep your options open.

Oh, OP, I have been married for decades and have 2 dc but i feel very much as you do.

I'm not being flippant. My dh lost his job a few months ago, I'm too ill to get any job and our dc need tuition money. We've only raised our dc. No vacations, nothing fun, no savings, now, not even a paycheck for groceries.

I keep looking in the mirror wondering what happened. Today I was wondering if there was any way I could turn back the years what would I do differently. I'm obsessing about choices made, growing older, time flying past me.

Having dc doesn't mean security in your older years, a dh is older too, sometimes I would love a quiet moment or a night without having responsibilities. His family dislikes me intensely so holidays are stressful.

I'm losing my looks, old, sick and dearly miss my family who have passed away.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm trying to say that every person has a "bag of rocks" that they carry in life. We exchange them occasionally but it's still a bag of rocks.

I truly wanted a dh and family but now I often talk to an old and dear friend and we ask each other "why?"

I think that life is much what we make of it. We all have choices; including being happy with the choices we have made.

Best wishes.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, lots of suggestions for joining new groups & getting out & meeting people.

On a practical level, check your diet is good - low iron levels, vitamin D or general mineral deficiencies won't help your energy levels or mood. Build some outdoor exercise into your daily routines- maybe you could walk a pet for an elderly neighbour to boost your feelgood factor and get a cuddle with a pet if you don't have one of your own? Maybe take an evening class at a local college? Doesn't matter if it's cooking or a language or music or computer coding. It doesn't really matter what, just try something new.

There are things you can do to get out of that 'rut' feeling. But as others have said, you've got to make a change to feel a change and get out of the comfort zone you've been occupying, at least a little bit.

By doing one thing different each day, you increase your chances of meeting someone different enormously, even if it's just walking round the park at lunchtime. Best of luck.

I have just sat and read all 16 pages of this post. OP, you may have decided not to return to this now.

I here you though. Maybe you are not like most of the people on this thread. Maybe you think differently. Maybe all the well intentioned advice in the world will not make you use any of it. You've had enough and are fed up of faking positivity and happiness that you don't really feel. I hear you. You may possibly already be taking antidepressants but If not, it might be worth looking into. Your feelings are legit and your personality is your personality. It is hard to shake off the shame of other people's expectations but you have to. You must. Seek help from a subjective professional.

Objective not subjective. Stupidity.

I think you need to take some small steps to fulfilment which would hopefully help you to gain confidence. So I mean to read a book you always meant to, learn a language or start wearing red lipstick or whatever. I don’t think triviality is an issue. You seem to be focusing on the big picture and I would zoom into the little things, also, as other people have said, you are in a self defeating prophecy.
You remind me of my colleague: she is the same age and also without children or marriage and desperately wants both so I’ve read this with interest. She feels like a failure as society believes she should be married and churned our several sprouts.
Have you read or heard of that book, ‘The Secret’? It’s premise is to think about what you want and you’ll get it. Actually, it does make sense as if you want something AND WORK TOWARDS IT, you’ll naturally make choices and decisions which are more likely to lead in that direction.

Nothing moves, unless you move it.

But say for example you've tried all that people have mentioned for many years and it's still not got you anywhere.
Do you just continue trying?

Yes, or you stop and accept where you are. You can't give up and then complain that nothing happens.

Op, you do sound very down at the moment and that old saying you never know what's round the corner will probably grate a bit . You need to start each day with one positive action or thought. Look around and see if there are any classes you may be interested in, try to put yourself in a situation where you will meet other people. There are many adult education classes that are not expensive, there are solo travellers holiday companies, there is volunteering. If you are regretting not having children, have you thought of fostering, or approach the council or charity organisations which are trying to find homes for unaccompanied minors who are refugees. This all takes courage I know, and when you get as low as you sound it is very difficult to take that step. But you only get one life, only you can live it and turn it around. And trust me, if you are in good health, age is not a barrier. Plenty of single women have done amazing things well into their 70's or 80's, eg Freya Stark, Alexandra David Neel. Life can be an uphill struggle when you are facing it alone but when I feel like this I read this quote which always pulls me up.." Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be" Abraham Lincoln. Be the change you want to see in the world. 💐

OP I read through a lot of posts.

If you really want to find a DH you can rush into it like my one aunt did. Well it turned out to be a complete disaster. My other aunt suffered years of MH issues after a bad acid trip in the 70s. At the grand 'old' age of 58 and 68 she got married to the love of her life. She is so very happy and I love my uncle so much plus I love that he loves my aunt, making her glow.

My aunt waited patiently for someone who cherished her. She pursued her hobbies and showcased her talented pottery pieces in galleries. She is very good at it and it's how she met her DH.

You don't need to travel. I hate traveling myself and will explore a place through text first, then film before I visit in person.

In your post op you say you are moving house. What a great opportunity for a fresh start.

Sorry, just place marking for the moment -

OP, you say that your friends are all immersed in baby /toddler world which makes me think that you cannot be too old to have children yourself. Initially I thought that you must be past child bearing age but now think if your friends are just having their babies maybe that is why you are feeling a little broody or regretful. I know what it is like to desperately want a child, it is all consuming. I wouldn't do anything while you felt like this, give it time. Wait for your friends babies and toddlers to grow up a bit, you will see a different side then to parenting. When you are more objective, and still want a child, there are routes you can go down, bearing in mind, that single parenting is a huge responsibility but also a wonderful thing.

My goodness Wedding wishes, you are only 40! Don't wait till you get to my age. I have not given up and fully intend to take life by the horns and have a good stab at it. I would love to be 40 again. When you get to my age you will probably say the same thing!

I always thought that if I was left without DH that I would go to clubs and interests that men enjoy. By the way I wouldn't want another live in partner as I dont' want to cook for anyone else again. But I would go to birdwatching, antiquarian societies, buy a motorbike (not really but it would be a good way of meeting men), what about helping out at boy scouts, photography, learn a foreign language, if you are fit you could do running or cycling, there must bet other things but I can't think just now, maybe cookery classes eg Italian food or bread making.
Imv it is much easier to make friends at classes which could then lead to a closer relationship.

I’ve a strong feeling that there is an awful lot the OP is not saying - too difficult, and she is wiped out and exhausted by keeping up a cheerful face constantly.
I think, like the above post, it’s time to seek professional advice - her doctor. It’s strange but often you don’t realise you’re really quite badly depressed. Accepting the depression, not seeking “ you should do “ these activities ie anything from travel to IVF, you’re not yet in that place to do much. I’m not saying give into depression or even that you need to hit rock bottom just as persistently as you can get help (medical at the beginning). Shame itself is devastating, but in this country we have brilliant, non-judgemental doctors. Believe me they have seen/heard everything - they want you well mentally. I know it’ll take ages to get a referral to a therapist but please persist. You’re important, much more important than you know.

Don't be sad, I am big believer in fate and also the law of attraction. If you want to find a partner now in this stage of your life then why not. Think positively about finding a partner and you will start to notice things around you and it will happen 😁

It's awesome to see so much positivity in the chat aswell. You seem like a lovely person finding friends will be easy. Join groups and clubs with similar interests and you will make friends

I,m 56 never had children and been single a long time yes I do look at my married friends with children and think why is that not me but things are not what they always seem so make the most of your life and what you have and try to be positive with your life focus on the good things

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to say:

1. You sound lovely and don't deserve the nastier comments on here!
2. It's perfectly ok to express these feelings and doesn't mean you are being negative, just honest.
3. At the risk of adding to the "get out there and do stuff" postings (which probably doesn't help - as other posters have said, you just need your feelings acknowledged!). However, on another day, when you are feeling ready to make decisions about your social life, try SPEED DATING!

MUch more fun - and much less emotionally exhausting - than online dating. Both my DB and my DS met their OHs this way and they had a ball doing it!

What is more, they found the whole experience - even at the beginning when it did not result in a date - a life-affirming one, which made them feel good about themselves.

YANBU.

The advice on these sorts of threads on the Relationships board is always "try a new hobby, go online dating, go speed dating, accept every invitation, join Meetup" because if you keep doing the same things that don't work you need to try something new.

Lots of areas don't have Meetups. Some clubs can be ridiculously cliquey. It's not automatically true that starting a new hobby opens up a new world of socialising because often some hobbies are full of married couples and come the weekends, they're all doing family stuff and you're always, year in and year out, doing stuff on your own.

People have bashed the OP for seemingly being negative about every idea offered but for many of us we're followed all that advice and we're still in the same boat. You can be open as hell, have a wide variety of friends and hobbies, be positive, be attractive or unattractive. But if you've done that for 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years and you're still single, I think it's fucking impossible after that to not get pretty fucking depressed about it.

Then the other advice is stop looking and it will happen. Yes, well, if you want a new job you don't look for a new one do you, they just turn up in your lap.

Sorry but a lot of it is down to luck or our inbuilt dispositions that we seem unable to change (ie, some people seem totally and utterly wired to find many different 'types' attractive, other people not; I could swipe 100 people on Tinder and only find one even remotely attractive while someone else could find 30 of them attractive - this is clearly the case on the Dating thread where some people are dating different people regularly, others hardly ever).

17 pages now- the OP said she was hiding the thread 2 days ago.

Polly But, as with a lot of these threads, there are other people in similar situations who may be/are also reading.

Friends can also be proactive in this and introduce you to someone they know who they think you'll be compatible with. It needs to be a friend who really knows both of you well, though. That happened 3 times with me. The first 2 attempts failed miserably, because the person doing the introducing hardly knew me.

But then my DB went on a walking holiday with a close family friend (who had the same name but that's another story). The friend got chatting with one of the other walkers and decided that he and I would be a good match. So he wrote his email address on a postcard they were sending me and, after a week, curiosity got the better of me and I emailed him. We'll be having our 15th anniversary next month.

If a friend says they know someone who they could match you up with, just give it a try, you have nothing to lose.