To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
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In life, there are things that happen to us because we've invested in making them happen, and some things that happen randomly and that we had no control over.

Some people will invest a lot of effort and get little in return, some people will invest nothing and get all the luck. Most people fall somewhere in between.

What you need to decide is how much you want to invest in the hope of a return and more importantly, how long you are prepared to invest until you give up if you don't get the returns.

I went through a phase of feeling low when all my efforts seemed to yield failure and wondering what was the point and then of course, feeling sorry for myself focusing on those who seemed to get everything handed to them on a plate, wallowing in the despair of 'it's not fair'.

Then I woke up and asked myself how I would feel on my death bed looking back at my life and I realised that I would feel much happier about my life thinking that I did do everything I could to get what I wanted in life, even if it didn't lead to the expected outcomes rather than thinking that I passed by opportunities because I didn't bother trying.

I am lucky to have children by 31, but that wasn't with the man of my dream. Despite only meeting at 27, I had never had a committed relationship before I met my ex. When we separated, I was determined to find my Mr right and confident that it would happen. Reality set in. After spending time on dating site, joining group, going to the gym, and doing everything I could to meet Mr Perfect, I started to give up. It wasn't just me, single friends were going through the same process, losing hope and giving up. I didn't though, even when I stopped believing it would happen, I continued to try, and one day, and yes, when I really had given up, he came into my life just like that. I was 38.

In the end, we don't control everything and despite the desire on both side, we didn't add a child to our family. I also learned that even with Mr Perfect, life and marriage isn't always so, but I am happy.

OP, have you tried counselling? As said, you can't predict what the future will bring your way, but at 40, there is still plenty of time to fulfill your life and take control over it rather than letting the years go by with the routine of it. I wish you all the best.

Why do we feel we have to be “doing” things. Life isn’t a continuous round of adventure and besides, everyone’s idea of excitement and their life goals are different. OP, if you want to find a partner, join a group specifically to meet like minded people. This person won’t come and knock on your door. Good luck.

OP, my 30s disappeared. It's utterly bizarre. Right up to my early 30s I was very much "living" as an active thing. I don't remember stopping, but somehow 40 hit and I didn't know where the years had gone.

It's tough. I'm sorry you feel life hasn't turned out as you'd expect.

Maybe you just need to take time to feel a bit down and then get back to getting on with life. But try to take time to really acknowledge your feelings. Sometimes feeling bad serves a purpose, steers us towards what changes we need to make.

I don’t mean that online dating doesn’t work at all, for anybody smile I mean that for me personally it does not work. Sorry if that wasn’t clear!

Well it's not going to work if you aren't doing it, is it?

This is a negative mindset.

What you mean is IT HASN'T WORKED FOR ME- YET.

What makes you so 'different' that it's not working? You only need to meet ONE man for it to work out. W

Why aren't you thinking 'it hasn't worked so far.'

Can you see how you are negative? Like you don't want it to work and are setting out to prove that?

The thing is Polly, and this is very hard to explain, but I’ll try, I’m being honest here, and now.

Now, I do not have that same level of raw honesty in my day to day interactions with people. I smile, I laugh, I am generally described as ‘lovely’ which I like and less frequently ‘bubbly’, which I hate, but just the same, it gives an idea of who I am which isn’t a sullen morose character at all.

However, on here, when I am in the house alone, when it’s just me, when my walls are down ... I can be honest. And if that comes across as negative, so it is negative, because I feel negative, and sad, and low, and ashamed and empty.

I doubt that’s putting any men off because I never meet any of the feckers anyway

What are you ashamed of?

so what are you doing to try to meet men?

Sounds like sweet FA to me.

Sounds as if you would rather wallow and moan than get to a class, join some ramblers, a choir, or anything where you might meet men.

Several of us have mentioned Meet Up groups in all major cities. Not dating groups but social groups.

How much of this have to tried?

And to add.... After being in a 7 yr relationship through my 20’s I found myself on my own in my 30’s. I pretty much decided to give up on any relationship goals as everyone I met was either divorced and didn’t want to commit again or the footloose type who didn’t really want a partnership. I was 38 when I met my husband to be, married at 39 and had DS at 40. It’s do-able but OP, so much of it is out of your control. All you can do it joking in with things which might bring you into contact with a future partner.

I remember reading "happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get" and see a lot of truth in it.
The poster who said that having children is overrated was not being flippant but perhaps lighthearted. I love my children but if I was to have my life to live over I think I would choose to be childless.

A friend of mine went through a huge upheaval & moved out of area as she wanted to get away from a horrible ex. She didn’t know anybody & set up a book club to meet new friends. She started internet dating & was ready to give it all up, but another friend convinced her to keep going for a bit longer. A few days later, she’d met her current husband - she got married, moved house again & now has a beautiful baby (all in the space of a year!) & she’s 40. She is so happy, but realised it might not have happened for her if she’d given up after a number of dating disappointments. Definitely not too late

Jaygee61 ..yep...I wake up every morning thinking I'm living the wrong life...I've 2 kids with autism,.sahm.going nowhere fast.spent my teenage yrs dreaming of a glittering career in social work.i struggle to share my space with a dh...sorry if I came across as flippant to the op.but it is hard when life dosnt go how you expect it to...

I think you need to change your mindset a bit OP and you could still have these things. Maybe not in a traditional way but still.

You're never too old to meet a partner if that's what you want. There's a million dating websites or clubs/hobbies to try where you could meet someone. Have a bit of fun and if it leads somewhere then great.

There are holidays designed especially for groups of single people and I'm not talking club 18-30 Magaluf. My (single) mum has been in a hiking one in Italy and 3 month adventure in Australia.

Lastly, if children are something you really want, you could consider adoption or IVF (if you had the money). I know it's not up everyone's street but still - the options there.

I live with a friend in a platonic relationship.I had no children because of miscarriages and ectopic.
I am somewhat disabled and have fibromyalgia.
I would not say this was perfect arrangement as I wanted something very different but after my marital experience and of dating- I am happy it's just peaceful..
I know that isn't about you, but maybe think about what you actually WANT?Your needs and so on. Maybe they are being met anyway...

I think the reason you are alone is because deep down you want that.

Look at it this way.

If you want a new dress, you go out to shops and look and try them on. or you might order online. A new dress is not going to drop into your lounge by magic.

Neither is a man.

You need to make an effort. Life's what you make it, and all that.

Crikey Polly, that sure is some tough er..."love".

OP is admitting she rarely show's how she really feels and you are trampling all over her feelings with a pull yourself together attitude.

I think the poster who mentioned disappointment and the realisation of regret as part of a grief process was very astute.

And during the expression of that realisation you want to be heard and acknowledged not have solutions fired at you.

Being negative is self-fullfilling, that's the problem. You start with disappointment, you feel negative, you don't have the energy to put the efforts in to make a change, nothing changes, you tell yourself you were right not to waste the little energy you have because nothing positive happens, you feel negative, you don't bother to make changes, on and on.

And I think what you are missing Polly is that this isn't just about finding a man.

OP, I always assumed I’d meet someone and get married. After a breakup, I was on the phone to a friend and said, “I’m ready to meet my guy and settle down!” My friend very firmly told me, “it may not happen for you.” It was like a shot through the heart, but it was the first time I ever considered it might not be what happened for me.

I took time, let it sink in, then went about building my life to please me. I had a great group of friends, job I was happy with and hobbies I enjoyed. I really was having a great time and I was completely happy with my life. Then I met my now husband, I was actually a bit annoyed because I had to choose whether to give it up for him (we lived in different countries so he couldn’t just slot into my life) or keep going with what I knew worked. I chose to be with him, but I mourned the loss of that life even though I love him dearly.

My point is you can choose to make your life a happy place even without marriage/children. It is up to you and it doesn’t have to include travel. You have to decide what you want life to look like and make that happen.

OP, just to add (now I know your age), I recently turned 40 and have been reflecting on my life and achievements so far and I have lots of regrets. I am also trying to persuade myself that I have a lot of life left to live (touch wood!) - which is hard to accept, but is true.

You have so much more to come - it’s a HUGE cliché but the only person holding you back is you (within reason of course, I appreciate things like finances and other commitments play a part), if a partner and kids are that important to you (and remember, they are 2 unique things - you don’t need a partner to have kids) then take action.

I agree sooty

You do sound very down about life and yourself.

Can you tell us about your routines and life without outing yourself?

Online dating does sound like hell on earth but there are plenty of ways to meet people and put yourself out there.

I have a friend who is dying to have met someone and wants lots of babies etc but doesn’t put any effort into doing so. She’s a teacher and very busy with work but stays in a lot and is very lonely. I feel frustrated for her but when I do manage to get her to come out, she dresses very dowdily, slings her hair in a top knot and has a face like this 😕😕 She just doesn’t look approachable.

Sometimes I think you have to get out of your comfort zone and try new things to meet new people.

Easy for me to say.

little I think some bluntness is better than all the cliches in some posts.

I've not trampled over her feelings. I've posted quite a few posts before the one you might have read, and all of them were constructive, suggesting how she might meet men, links to a dating coach site, and examples of how friends have met men. Not trampling at all. More of a wake up call.

... I can be honest. And if that comes across as negative, so it is negative, because I feel negative, and sad, and low, and ashamed and empty.

I would certainly speak to your GP about this - if you feel like this, it's no wonder you aren't getting the most out of life.

And during the expression of that realisation you want to be heard and acknowledged not have solutions fired at you
In counselling, that's an essential stage of the process. You need sympathy and comfort to be able to start bringing a bit of positivism into your life. The key though is not to stay too long in that stage because the wellness that comes from it is only short lived.