To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

I know that marriage and children are not everything to everyone, but having gotten married three years ago and having had a DD recently, my life has improved immeasurably. I am much happier than I ever was before and it has given my life purpose. Don’t get me wrong it’s far from perfect, but nothing ever is! I don’t think it is ever too late, if you really want it you must fight for it, and if you fail you must try again. Nothing of any worth comes without struggle.

The grass is always greener and the world has not stopped turning. Life happens to everyone in different ways. Try focusing on what you have and not what you don't have. I know this is difficult being a half glass empty person.

One of my dearest friends, got married two years ago at 60 for the first time. the wedding was such a celebration of life and totally different from the norm. He is 5 years younger with a 14 year old son. They live a sharing life with both doing their own things and then coming together when it matters. I am just trying to say that love and partnership comes at different times for everyone. the world is out there, you just have to discover it.

sorry I meant to say 'being a half glass empty person, myself'. I am not saying you are. I am...

People telling the OP to foster - I am pretty sure (happy to be corrected but I've read it on here before and elsewhere) that whilst you can certainly foster as a single person, you can't if you work full time. Which I think would put it beyond most single people who have to work FT to support themselves.

Suggestions of getting out there and meeting people, making friends, seeing what comes of that etc. If you're in a film, I'm sure that works. In real life not so much. I was single for 6 years. I have lots of friends in my local area. All knew I was single. Not one ever introduced me to any men they knew. Because they said all the single guys they knew were single for good reason and friends didn't want me near them! One guy who was ok but newly divorced was killed in an accident before I was introduced. I joined clubs (not meetup as the only ones we had locally were a bit lentil weavy in type and not my cup of tea) and tried to make more friends. Whilst I found people I could exchange pleasantries with, it never went beyond that. I never formed any friendships outside the group. And that's the thing. By late 30s many people have their group of friends and don't want more. I've tried to increase my friendship circle it's impossible. Work colleagues don't want to socialise outside Work, people in activity clubs the same, ditto members of my extended family who I see only at funerals. So how does this putting yourself out there work? The only new friends I have made in the last 7-8 years are through my children. I can see in the OPs position and anyone else without kids it must seem bloody impossible.

You can be young all your life if you have the right attitude and you can meet a partner at any stage. Of course, the window of opportunity for kids is limited but having children isn't the only route to a fulfilling life - it's one option but there are lots of others. Don't allow yourself to be ruled by limiting beliefs OP - there are opportunities all around you all the time.

I met my husband at 50, married at 54. I never wanted children so that wasn't an issue for me, but I've had a great life.

There is nothing wrong in pouring out one’s mind and this could be what you’re doing. Also when we want something in life and it is not materialising, we might feel down. What you might see as problem, another person could see it as nothing – we go through things in life differently. Some might never want to have children, some might not want to be married, some might have and regretted it. But you wanting, does not mean, UBU. So you’re definitely not BU at all. One person’s meat is another person’s poison. Moreover, when we’re going through something in life, carrying it in our mind or bearing it alone could have negative impact on us, health wise and in various ways. Different people have their regrets, in one way or the other. So try and see what you can do in order to achieve what you want – even if it means reshuffling some things in your life, such as choices or being counselled. The experience of being married or having children are different in each individual’s life – it’s not always challenging or overwhelming. Don’t give up or stop yourself from achieving your dream into materialising. If that is what you see as been fulfilled in life, that’s it, pursue it.

OP I sometimes feel the same. People are well-meaning but the fact is you can do OLD, join lots of new groups, be open to meeting people and STILL not meet the right person. Which gets very depressing.

People don’t like to acknowledge it’s mostly down to luck as that’s a scary concept. But please know it is not your fault and your feelings are valid.

That having been said, there is no use in wallowing for too long as that will ensure a miserable time. I’m focusing on things I can control and making changes where possible. Whilst still keeping a nugget of hope that good luck will swing my way eventually!

A good piece of advice I often think about is that even when things feel really really bad, you always have options, always.

I agree with allowing yourself to wallow/ recuperate for a couple of days. When you feel stronger explore what your options are and go for it. It might not happen, but it definitely won't if you don't try and go for what you want.

If you want kids would you consider a sperm donor? My internalised back up plan if I was single in late 30s early 40s was to have fertility treatment with donor sperm. No guarantees it would work but it might.

Nearly every one of the friends I've made over the last few years, I met online. Some via Twitter, others through forums of people with similar hobbies. They're now real life friends and we meet up when we can.

I also met my husband online, back when the net was quite new, again via an online group of people with similar interests. I wouldn't ever have joined an OLD site.

Marriage is definitely overrated!! Then again i probably think that because mine hasn’t exactly been a wonderful 11 year one! Children definitely aren’t overrated and I would do anything to be able to have a baby!! 15 years of trying and it still hasn’t happened! I think this is why I have such bad opinions on my marriage because the main reason why we don’t have kids is because my husband refused to go and do a sperm sample all those years ago on the grounds it’s degrading! His Sister is pregnant and he said he would go do one now this has been mentioned 4 times in the last 6 months and I’m still waiting!! My Best Friend who I’m very close to and vice versa has always said he wishes our paths had crossed 15 years ago because then neither of us would be in loveless marriages and we’d both maybe of had the child we so badly want!!

'People telling the OP to foster - I am pretty sure (happy to be corrected but I've read it on here before and elsewhere) that whilst you can certainly foster as a single person, you can't if you work full time. Which I think would put it beyond most single people who have to work FT to support themselves.'

Not to mention, foster carers and adopters are very heavily vetted because you need to want to work with children, particularly those who may have complex needs or issues. Children in care and children who can be adopted are not consolation prizes for the infertile, the childfree, the unattached. Yet it's almost universally trotted out when people express unhappiness at being childfree or unattached, 'but you can foster or adopt'. Right up there with 'but you can travel'. Newsflash: everyone can travel! Even with kids! But some people don't like travelling.

Get rid of your husband, Lozz. Quit waiting. Don't give up your chances of having a child for a man like this.

@Shatnerswig ‘I could swipe 100 people on Tinder and only find one even remotely attractive while some one else could find 30 of them attractive.’

You’re closing so many doors this way though. I can’t remember fancying my DH as soon as I first saw him - we had a connection which developed over a couple of months as friends & I suddenly realised how attractive he was. I remember he was internet dating at the time & showed me his photo, which was bloody awful & completely unflattering Obviously, I didn’t tell him this at the time. I didn’t want him to go on any dates! We’ve been together for 10 years

Are you Ann Widdecombe OP? 😂😂
In seriousness whether it is OK for you to feel sad about it, yes that's fine but is it regret or a secret desire to be attached or just a passing moment?
No matter how old you are there's still time for companionship you're still alive and kicking

expat you keep telling people off for their advice but you don't seem to have any yourself? What do you say to someone who basically Flandersing with "i've tried nothing, man, and I'm all out of ideas...."

Pixie But that's online dating! If you look at their photos and you don't find them attractive, you don't find them attractive. You yourself say your DH had one photo on his profile which was bloody awful. But you'd already met him in real life and found him attractive. Had you not met him in real life, and you were online dating, and you'd seen that one bloody awful photo and he'd messaged you, would you have gone out on a date with him?

@ShatnersWig - probably not, but that’s kind of my point. It’s being open to possibilities that you might not have considered before. I thought I had a certain type, but DH doesn’t fit that. Maybe if we had messaged & found out about each other, it would have still led to a date or becoming friends initially as (cliched, but true) it was his personality that attracted me the most. I don’t know. Maybe I was just lucky... I really hate the idea of Tinder!

'expat you keep telling people off for their advice but you don't seem to have any yourself? What do you say to someone who basically Flandersing with "i've tried nothing, man, and I'm all out of ideas...."'

Because the OP never asked for it, blasto, it was just heaped on her and then people got arsey when she didn't want to entertain it and she left the thread two days ago in shame. If a friend approached me in a similar vein I'd assume she needed a listening ear, support for her feelings and give her that. If she wants advice I'm sure she'd ask for that, she's not stupid, she knows about online dating, clubs, hobbies, speed dating, fostering and adoption, travelling and careers.

I wanted to share in case its any help that I found myself at 40 partner-less and kid-less. I had a major breakdown. I wasn't so worried re partner but i was devastated re kids. The time had just gone by and i always thought it would all turn out alright in the end. When thinking about kids when younger I had always thought that having two boys was going to be the worst that happened. I never ever thought i wouldnt have kids.
With good care from my GP and counselling and joining a group to improve my general social life, I made some friends and life improved. Through the group I met my now husband. - Corny but true - he came just when I was happy to be on my own. I still miss some of the freedoms - i.e. whatever you get you still need lemonade making skills.
He had kids but they were already older teenagers so quite independent they also have their own mother.
We did adopt my to my joy. But it re-empohaised my own infertility so that wasnt always easy. My son now needs huge amounts of support which i dont even know how to get - a common problem. So was adopting a good thing for me? who knows. I am where I am.

So strangely i do understand the comment "Kids are over rated" - boy they do just take and take lovely at times but compromising your life as well. But i really get the sadness, emptiness around being childless. I still see programmes on TV about having kids and for a fleeting moment I forget i am post menopause and post hysterectomy as i think would that work for me?
See your GP or counselor to work through your mourning for what might have been. It is real.
But everyone has stuff. In the end just do your best to make the best of it. Noone has a perfect life. Remember
The grass is always greener on the other side but it is just as difficult to mow.

Online dating can work. I have lots of friends who met their partners this way.

I also have several friends who met and married people well into their 40s and are very happy. Some of them have step children and are happily involved in a different sort of family life

Don’t put time pressures on yourself. But don’t give up either. You can find happiness at any age

I wish i knew how to make it work. The only men who are interested in me, I just have no interest at all. Men over reach on OLD even more than in real life.

Because the OP never asked for it, blasto, it was just heaped on her and then people got arsey when she didn't want to entertain it and she left the thread two days ago in shame

Well she posted on the internet, yet again, she must be looking for something. It's pretty weird to post here and then be all suprised when people answer you!

Met my DH online. A site for mature professionals. He was the first person I engaged with and 13 years later I’m still very happy indeed! It can work 😊