To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

You remind me a bit of my sil although she is 40, unmarried & childfree. She wants marriage & children but has a very defeatist attitude & is certain it's not going to happen for her. However, she doesn't go out of her way to meet new people or experience new things. She will say that it's too expensive to go out but won't do anything to improve her situation. She will moan about it though, I think some people like to moan but not do anything to change their situation.

Joining a new hobby group or sport doesn't have to be expensive. There are lots of cheap groups through meet up & local community centres. You don't need to date online to meet prospective partners.

Sometimes approaching it like a job interview is helpful. What kind of person do you want etc, where do you see yourself in 5 years will help you focus on what you want from your life. But you need to be proactive about it just like switching careers if that's what you genuinely want.

www.meetup.com

This thread is pretty much bingo for annoying and insensitive platitudes for single and/or childless women.

Thanks, very,I do appreciate that

I’m really not here because I’ve a burning desire to travel! But thanks.

I’m 40.

If your contemporaries currently have babies and toddlers then of course it isn't too late for you.

I loathe travel by the way. I have no idea why we're all supposed to be obsessed with 'seeing the world', especially with the beauty and richness of the UK on our doorstep, and sunshine holidays a two hour flight away.

I'm never going further than Majorca ever again, and I couldn't be happier.

We always want what we haven't got...I never wanted kids or a husband...I was meant to have a flying career..I totally understand you ,life is what happens when yr busy making plans

And are you really sad that you got a husband and a family instead of the career you wanted?

I don't get to meet anybody, never have
Have you never had friends to go out with, pubs, clubs, parties etc? You must have had chance to meet people at some point, even if your friends are all settled down now. Where did they meet their partners? I have friends in their 30s/40s who have been single for years and have suddenly found partners when they were least expecting it.
Do you have any hobbies that enables you to get out and meet people? Work? In my experience someone is more likely to come along when you least expect it and aren't looking for it.

I do think you need to be very honest with yourself about what you want.

Children? Do you want your own? Would you be happy with step children? Fostering? Adoption? Being an 'Auntie' to friends kids?

Marriage? Is this a deal breaker? Would be happy in a casual relationship? Someone with kids already? A divorcee?

Are you happy with your job? Career? Location?

I know online dating can be rubbish, it takes a lot of perseverance! I had a string of rubbish first dates, wasted loads of time messaging folk. I was doing it on and off for around 3 years before I met my husband almost 3 years ago. We now have a 1 year old daughter. When I was single I started to get lonely and didn't fancy doing stuff alone (you are correct in thinking people are obsessed with making you travel alone when single!)

Its your life and there are always options

40 not too old for baby or man. 40 is fucking depressing and a shit age. A lot of life stuff for women is gone. I think your low mood is your age imo. I felt my life over and ive got many kids.

YANBU. It is a really deep-rooted way of being accepted and connected in our society. I was single for a long time, watching family all married with kids and it was agony. Very lonely, and as you say, very expensive. People don;t realise that - no one to share the cost of phone bills, gas bills, water rates, council tax, broken boilers etc.

You've said you don't want platitudes about 'you'll find someone, there's still time,' so I won't give them. But you do deserve to be as happy as you can possibly be in your current circumstances. And you can take steps to increase your happiness. And it is true that happy people are more attractive to others.

There must be a list of small things - tiny, inexpensive things that you've always meant to do (I have a huge list - some of them are so easy yet I've never got round to doing them - like trying that tucked away cafe or going to the free gigs our local music shop puts on.) Can you just start doing these. They don't compensate for the big things in life that you feel may have passed you by. But if those things really have passed you by (and they may have done, some gorgeous, attractive, wonderful women I know are still single in their fifties) and if you really don't have the money to do exciting adventures, then start with small ones. They really do make a difference to how much you enjoy life.

There are organisations that let you into all sorts of events free or for a very cheap price (£2) - gigs, films, theatre shows, if you live near a city. Or you can volunteer at music festivals and get in free. That sort of thing just starts to open up your life and make possibilities visible to you.

for you. It's not easy feeling as you do.

Why don't you foster OP?

Or take a residential position in a boarding school or a children's residential care centre.

You would meet new adults and have the opportunity to make a difference to children's lives in any of those scenarios.

The week after DH and I returned from our honeymoon, a work journal had an advert for people with my specific post grad qualification to work abroad in a well paid role. Temporarily, I panicked. That advert neatly eclipsed the road not not travelled, and I questioned if I had done the right thing.

As it happens I’m still happily married and have DC and I have no regrets. But, that advert taught me two valuable lessons. The first that I have choices, and the second to use those choices wisely.

What would you like to do OP ? Really like to do?

I was older when I met my husband, so many cliches became true in the sense that I had given up looking and had started to just do things that I enjoyed and trying to accept that I may be going forward on my own. I'm not saying that to be all ' oh it'll happen, your time will come' but I think you have to try and forge the best, most enjoyable life for yourself right now-it might change, it might not. You do also need to make an effort with dating though-some women always have s man in tow bug that doesn't always mean they are perfect relationships, maybe look at what you really enjoy doing and try and improve that side of things-I don't mean travel as I'm the same, I'm too shy to travel on my own although I did start to look into getting a caravan before I met my DH! 😲Not sure I'd have bought one but it was my way of thinking that I needed little holidays/time out without travelling abroad alone.

Some of my friends started a family in their 20s, I chose to have my 1st child at 39 because DH and I were not ready to settle as parents until then. No regret whatsoever.

My point is that there's no "age" we are expected to do anything. Of course, you can't have children past a certain point, but what we can do is make the most of everything. You can't change the previous years, but you can make it your goal to have accomplish something important for you by the next New Year's Eve. So at the end of every year you look back and don't feel you have wasted your time.

Of course you can meet someone. Ideally meet many people, so you don't settle with someone who is not right!

You do come over as being very negative. Saying things like you don't meet anyone etc.

I've got friends who have met men in the queue at Tescos, men coming to fix their dripping taps, men who came to their rescue when their car broke down. There is always a chance element of meeting someone as well as the usual ways.

My opinion is that if you really want to meet someone, you will.

The women I know who are single (and regret being so) have IME not really 'made the effort'. They gave up on online dating. They had a mindset that they would never meet anyone. They didn't go where single men might hang out.

Online dating DOES work; I know of many happy couples who met that way but you have to keep going through all the disappointments.

I think if anyone REALLY wants something, they stand a far better chance of getting it. It's like applying for a job; you have to put in a lot of effort and have a strategy. That might include striking up a 'Hello' with a guy in a queue or waiting for a train, joining clubs and Meet Up groups where singles hang out.

If you simply go to work, come home and sit and feel miserable, it's not going to happen.

I know this may sound extreme but there are people out there who work as dating coaches- many of them are psychologists. www.johemmings.co.uk/coaching/ They can help you change your mindset and be receptive to new experiences. At the moment you have closed the door.

If you have decided you won't meet anyone, that is likely to be your result.

If you are open to new ways of behaving and pushing out of your comfort zone, that's a different scenario.

Sorry if this sounds harsh- it's tough love. I think you;d benefit from some help from someone professional to get you started.

If I was forty and wanted a child I would have one with a sperm donar.
There is still time if you want to.

Marriage may come later, it may not, but at least one of the things you hoped for happened.
You can tell me all the reasons why you can’t do it, but this mindset will only damage your future. Most things are possible if we want them enough.

There are so many foster children that would like a kind and loving home, this would help you financially and would make a huge difference to your life

You could also if you can afford it, have your eggs frozen. This would give you a few years' grace while you might meet a man.

You need to give your mindset a shake up.

Get out to Meet Up groups

As a general rule the people I know who are single and childless and content have the following :
Decent single friends
A fairly rich inner life , by that I mean they absorb information , study and have interests they can follow
They are fairly high up the emotional intelligence curve
They are interested in other people and are good Listeners

It’s hard but the simple face is you can either stay sad or make efforts to build a richer life you are happy with

Loneliness is a fucker and one of the hardest things to overcome . But it’s NOT impossible but sounds like you need a helping hand ?

OP where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why haven't you been career driven to get yourself a better life?

If you are around 40 I totally get how you feel. It's when you suddenly realised you're not young anymore, and the things you expected would just happen, haven't.

If it helps you could try to look at your life with less conventional expectations.
If you want to be a parent, you don't have to be married or even have a partner. Of course it's a different experience, and can be a lonely one, but if you seek out new friends in the same boat it helps.
As for relationships, you can meet the right person at anytime ( but you must be proactive)I was single for years, sometimes dating, sometimes I just couldn't stand it anymore as it seemed so pointless.
(I'm happy now with a nice man who I met very unexpectedly).
You could meet someone in 5 years and be a loved step mum.( They do exist!)
Honestly, life can change but you have to take steps towards it.

Of course yanbu OP it really is as simple as that

I think a lot of the advice here isn't helpful tbh, as if you aren't where you pictured yourself at the age of 40 you need to find a way of coming to terms with that. It's also unhelpful to say 40 isn't too old to have a baby, it is for a lot of women. Just because some are still popping them out at 45 many women are no longer fertile it is how it is, that's fact. Which you are well aware of

I don't think it's just about expectations of women either, families are important to both men and women. Things are easier for men though because they don't have the same time constraints.

OP where have you been for the last 20 years?
Why haven't you been career driven to get yourself a better life?

ODFOD

Yanbu op. Sometimes I just don't know where the years have gone. I think a certain amount of reflection on this is totally normal, whatever your circumstances. I'm a bit older than you, (43,)married with two dc, and really happy with my lot, but I'll sometimes look in the mirror and get a shock at the saggy face looking back at me. Or I'll look at photos of my children when they were little, (they're 11 and 14 now,) andfeel an almost physical twinge of sadness at the thought that I'll never have a pudgy little toddler hand to hold again.

I think it's ok to feel a bit sad about things have have been and gone, or missed opportunities. It's really important to try not to dwell on them though, going down that path leads to nothing but bitterness and depression. Keep your life full and busy. I know it's a cliche but try a new activity! I'm building up my courage to join the gym! I've never set foot inside a gym in my life so it's a big thing for me, but I know that exercise will be good for me when my thoughts get a bit maudlin.

Im sorry you're feeling a bit down op. Hope it passes soon

I'm sure that if op had a desire to work with children with specific needs (as most children in foster or residential care have) she'd be more than capable of pursuing it.

As it goes fostering/residential caring is defintiely a vocation that not everyone can do and thankfully recognise that when flippantly advised to fill missing gaps in their lives with kids who need much more than good intentions and someone with their own agenda.

Great if it is for you but it's not a universal cure all.

Metal

I’m trying to think. I was quite an overweight teenager in the days when it wasn’t as common as it is now. I wasn’t as huge as I thought I was but I was probably a size 16 when most shops didn’t stock those sizes or if they did it wasn’t flattering. I felt very self conscious when we went out as a result.

I did lose a lot of weight when I was 19 but my earlier self perception did not change, I suppose, and so I will admit I was very defensive with boys if they tried to chat to me as I thought it would be to ‘pull the ugly girl’ as a cruel joke.

Then most of my friends stayed with university boyfriends.

I don’t mean that online dating doesn’t work at all, for anybody I mean that for me personally it does not work. Sorry if that wasn’t clear!

Yes, re the feelings of not being young.

OP I think one thing to really consider is that you be giving off negative vibes to any man who is within 5 miles of you!

What's been the pattern between 30 and 40? Have you had any relationships? Did they not work out? Whose choice was that?

The friends and people I know who meet men have good social skills. They chat to strangers in queues (sorry to keep coming back to that), they join in stuff- rambling groups, drama clubs, theatre groups, language classes, kick boxing, yoga, ......just to name a few. There must be SOMETHING you'd enjoy doing.

They get to know women who know men....

Have you ever asked your friends for advice? Is there anyone who could be brutally honest? Maybe you need a make over with your appearance, or new hobbies so when you try online dating you have something to offer in terms of conversations and interests.

Sorry to be so blunt but if you are 40 have you had any long term relationships? If not, what's the pattern? Are you simply not meeting men or do you end things or do they?

I'm trying to be helpful because I think you need to analyse how you have got where you are and what you can do that's different.

You know the saying: 'defintion of madness is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.'