To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
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I think allowing yourself to feel sad about any situation in life is perfectly healthy as long as it doesn't become an obsession and then you can't get out of the negative thinking pattern.

People always write about travelling and crappy husbands to try and show you something positive and I get why they do that. But I say allow yourself to grieve .

My friendship group is mid forties to fifties and about a third have never married or had dc. Their attitudes have varied to their situations unfortunately one person is so bitter it has made her really quite nasty. Its sadness really.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

At 35 I panicked and settled, got pg and then divorced very quickly. I'm glad I have my child though as he's made all the difference to me.

If you want a child can you go ahead on your own? I wouldn't have been brave enough in your shoes but with the benefit of hindsight I think it would have been the best way.

Be kind to yourself. I get that you don't want solutions as such, just acknowledgment. I would have felt the same as you, so I do definitely hear you.

Having a child alone is something I’ve given serious thought to, but I feel my world is just too small and precarious to bring a child into.

I’d guessed you were about 40 when you said you were looking back at friends weddings and they got married ten years ago.

I am 39, 40 this year and also getting married this year. My OH is 42.

My point is that it’s possible to meet “The One” slightly later in life. Not everyone gets married late 20s/early 30’s and then pops out 2 children.

I very much felt how you felt in my late 30’s. Like I was the odd one out and would never marry. Yet here I am. So, you know, just keep an open mind.

Travel is the one thing i miss about being childless and single.
Not that i would swap it. Do you have themeans to have a child alone op?
As for marriage....meh....tis more overrated than kids by all accounts!

I know what you mean though....it can feel very isolating as society is geared up for couples...

Wedding trust me, your friends lives won't revolve around Peppa Pig for ever! Those children will start getting older and going to school and your friends may want to start going out in an evening, getting dressed up and being 'them' instead of 'just mum'. I have a better social life now than I did in my late 20s/early 30s, sometimes with my 'mum' friends but also with single friends. Obviously this doesn't have to be clubbing, just a nice meal out, cosy pub with a live band etc.

I have a friend who you sound very like wedding. She is lovely, big circle of friends, busy social life but just never meets anyone. The chances are there but she never puts any effort in. If she’s out with friends she wouldn’t be looking for a man. Her friends are all married with children and she is the best ‘auntie’ and I’m sure she’s a little envious in some ways. I know that she wants it all but she just says she can’t be arsed. She wants to be swept off her feet, she wants someone who will take over everything, provide the house, the wage, (she doesn’t want to work). She still lives at home but could easily afford to move out, just can’t be bothered. She could travel but not interested. She works and supports herself but she’s waiting for her fairytale. She won’t internet date, won’t join clubs as doesn’t want to appear desperate. She has the wrong social circles though for meeting people and the attitude (IMO).

She is also very judgy, he could be ‘the one’ but if he approached her in a pub and his name was Kevin (for example) he would be instantly rejected.

I’m not saying this is you OP but she always finds a barrier.

Meet up . Com as someone suggested is the group that my other friend joined as meets with several different groups, some regularly, some not so often. She has made a couple of really good solid friends from these groups and a couple of dates from it too. She hasn’t found a partner but she has found contentment and is happy. She is older though and is now past the age where children are possible.

I have a friend who sounds the exact same as you do @Weddingwishes. I, as her friend, have tried and tried to advise and point many things out to her. She rejected every idea and every point made. She has put herself into a rut and refuses to see the opportunity in life. I was in the same situation about 5 years ago so I know exactly how she feels (and you too) but you have to find something to pull yourself out of this.
My mum used to say to me "you'll never meet anyone sat at home", I actually met my partner at work. I was so close to not accepting his offer of a date but I did and I'm so glad I did. 5 years later I have two amazing children and he's a good dad.
I'm a firm believer in when you're not looking it finds you. But you have to be able to see that you deserve it. If someone asks for a date, go on it, it might not be it but you never know. You need to pick your self esteem off the floor. Everyone deserves to be happy and it doesn't sound like you believe that of yourself.
Don't hide yourself away, or keep away from your friends, as someone said before talk to them, they may have someone to introduce you to. Put yourself out of your comfort zone. It's hard but it can all change drastically in such a short time. Trust me. X

I understand somewhat how you feel op, have child but not married etc. I think tbh what you need in a addressing symptoms not problem, is some more single and maybe childless friends and apologies if that sounds totally patronising, stupid or daft. But you maybe need friends who u can talk to without conv always going towards children and partners...

In terms of addressing loneliness, I don't have any suggestions. Living alone is hard, or can be hard. No doubt about it.

I know metal, it isn’t a criticism, but it is where we are at the moment and we have very little in common, much as I hate to put it as starkly as that, which amplifies those lonely feelings.

And congrats on house move.

I don't think yabu. It's all very well for people to come on and tell you to go travelling etc. but you've already said it isn't what you want. It's a bit like the standard response of 'book yourself a spa day' which is often trotted out on here. A spa day is my idea of hell - I'd rather go on holiday with my DM and my MIL!
I think in some ways, regrets are different depending on the reason why you didn't do those things earlier. Was it by choice, was it circumstances or was it forced on you somehow? The career I always wanted required a degree but I was not allowed to stay on at school to get the required qualifications. It just wasn't possible then for me to defy my family - they would not have supported me to stay at school and would certainly not have given any information needed for me to apply for grants etc ( this was before student loans etc), so I had no choice but to leave school and work. Marriage and a family followed so there wasn't the opportunity, or the money, to get that degree. I now work broadly in that area and love it, but it's not what I wanted. I regret that I wasn't able to follow my dream and that during my life, circumstances have prevented it. I am now too old, even if I could afford it, as by the time I finished a degree and postgrad training , I'd be retiring. So I do understand where you're coming from. Otoh, I have a strong marriage, two dcs (who were strongly encouraged and supported to follow their dreams) and I am happy with my life.
I do agree with pps that there are routes for you to have children - only you will know how practical they would be for you. And yes, unless you are going into some sort of exclusive environment, it is possible you may meet someone. I don't have any advice for you, I'm afraid, other than don't give up. You don't say why you're moving, but maybe the move will present an opportunity for you?

OP I totally get you because I'm 41 & in the same position!

I can't have a child alone as I have schizo affective disorder & suffered mental ill health through most of my 30s so never met a decent man.

I don't have a high wage either.

I've started online dating & because I look a lot better than when I was really ill men are flirting with me.
But it's all too little too late.

I'm going to ask for counselling to help me accept my situation.

Yes as a poster up thread said, sometimes you just want yr feelings acknowledged. Donald Winicott identified damage parents do to their children by telling them 'you're fine!', 'you're happy!', and decades later 'sure what would you want with a partner, you're fine!'.

Yes single people are fine 99 times out of a hundred but we arent allowed to say that sometimes it is isolating or lonely.

My mum literally panicks if I wont just submit to her script that Im happier alone. I try to set her straight that whilst of course Im happy and independent and still looking forward, I would like to meet somebody. She literally shouts over me that I'm better off without the hassle and at the end of our conversation seems to believe that I've told her that I want nothing less than a partner.

I see a lot of this phenomenom on this thread! I think people need to believe that it's the fault of those who are single. It is too scary to contemplate that it is mostly luck or timing.

I think the OP deserves better than meaningless platitudes. Telling her she can find someone and have a baby and she's just not trying hard enough make me see red.

Life isn't fair, and a lot of us don't get the life we wanted or expected. I lost my parents young. I decided I wanted a family. I was lucky to get pregnant twice, both unplanned, and be able to support my boys. However I have no idea where DS1s dad is, and 2s dad is a total twat who put me through emotional, verbal and physical abuse. I'm in a better relationship now but due to various issues (health, bereavement, courts etc) that's not been a happy ever after.

I have friends my age (mid 40s) who are still hoping for a child because for various reasons it didn't happen for them when they were younger/ their partners weren't 'ready'. I've ended up the only person in my group with kids which is not how I thought it would go 20 odd years ago.

I think we all have regrets. There are some things we can't change and feeling sad about that is only normal.

That said I think that ultimately none of us HAS to be on their own forever if we don't want to be but it may take a lot of time and effort, and require you to do a awful lot of work to meet someone (go on 100s of dates, take up 10 different sports activities, or whatever) and even then there may be a lot of compromises too. And even if you do, children may not happen. Either or both of you could have fertility issues. It might not be something he wants (back to compromise).

I wish my life had turned out differently for different reasons. As we get to 40 and beyond we start to get a sense of perspective about time that's passed and is still to come. I think it's where the idea of a mid life crisis comes from.

I haven't read the whole thread.
My belief is that we have many lives, maybe this life wasn't meant to have a marriage/children it.

Life's a game, play it how ever you want, or just be, it's lesson and tests with the end goal being at one with yourself.

YANBU OP, but you honestly don't have to accept that 'this is it' forever. My 40-year-old DSis, who had never had a relationship in her life, recently met someone and is now in her first relationship. No one could be more surprised than her, as she has always been alone, she's had depression since her teens, and has pushed away any man who was ever interested. What changed? I think it was as simple as her job, actually. She finally got a job where she had plenty of colleagues - about 80-odd after always working in very small organisations previously - and this just opened doors for her socially that had always seemed to be closed before. Like you, she has friends, most of them in couples and with kids, and through them she never met anyone. She was starting to feel that this was her life - just alone with her cat - and that nothing would change. And yet it did, through something as simple as going to work for a larger organisation, so she just met more people and now she's met 'someone', at last. Could a simple change like that help you, do you think?

Well that's fuck all help Vitalogy isn't it?

Life isn't fair

Yes this is it, really. Sadly meeting someone and having children is just luck, mostly.

And so you fill the minutes and the hours and I have to divide my days into three hour chunks sometimes (6-9, 9-12, 12-3, 3-6, 6-9, 9-midnight) to get through them, so I’ll wake some time in slot one and have coffee and maybe clean the house and go for a walk and then slot two I might go to the shops and ... and so on

Your description of how you have to cope with life is sad.

Do you think you may have had low level depression over a long period of time? It doesn't sound good that the way you've coped has been to divide your life into chunks of time just to get through.

When did you last have a health check at your GPs? It may be worth ensuring everything is OK health wise, that you may not have detected yourself.

I would look at hobbies and volunteering rather than online dating. I have been told by single friends that when you are older online dating is 99% men who want a free prostitute or men who are single for a very good reason that means you would not want to touch them with a barge pole.
Volunteering/hobbies would fill up your weekends as well which seem pretty lonely right now. And even if you don’t meet a partner you will make friends that don’t involve you being the third wheel of a couple.

Ebony you're 5 years younger than i am but there is a very therapeutic collection of podcasts on youtube collected by lourdes viado. I listened to them one a day last summer and i believe they helped me come towards acceptance. There are over a hundred of her talks and if you start listening to them others you might like suggest themselves too. Some are about divorce some are about motherhood but lots are about just being a woman and what that means. What does it mean. I also read a book called 'if women rose rooted' which helped me tune out society's expectations and my own high bar just long enough to tap in to some very simple creativecactivities that gave me surprising fulfillment. Even though i wasnt a good artist.

It sounds like you have some grieving to do . I think this is an important process that will eventually clear the way for the rest of your life (or the next bit, anyway). Not that it'll all be sunshine & roses, but I think unexpressed grief can keep us stuck and unhappy.

Not sure if it's your cup of tea, but I found James Hollis "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life" very helpful when I was going through something similar. BTW, you don't have to be 50 to read it, it just refers to shedding the 'rules' of the past and figuring out what your values and wants are going forward.

I understand wedding ,small children are so time consuming, and I remember for a while feeling like I had nothing in common with my single friends, as my life revolved around babies and housework and theirs revolved around their careers. We were at different stages in our lives. Things do change though. You honestly never know what's around the corner.

Thinking about the friends with kids thing, I had dc when none of my friends did, and ended up alone ( not on purpose) and that was also very lonely because they were still out having fun and I was stuck at home.
It's weird now most of them have younger children and are immersed in all that, and that stage of people's lives does revolve very much around child related things, so I can understand how there can be a distance between you and your friends.