To feel sad I’ve never married or had children

[Weddingwishes]

I am moving house and emptying drawers that haven’t been emptied for years () and looking at photographs from friends weddings around ten years ago. Somehow in a flash you’re not young any more and it feels like I’ve lost an opportunity I didn’t know was there.
P

friends immersed in baby/toddler world

I really don't mean to be rude, but have you tried talking to your friends? I've got a baby and a toddler and would LOVE to talk about life, love, the world, or any old shite with child-free friends but they all seem to assume I'm too busy etc so never hear from them. (And when I try they are often busy traveling )

Yes,I am busy and yes you might have to try several times which isn't fair on you but I'm still the same person who just can't get out as much! You might be surprised...

I think Polly has a point in some ways, although the delivery of it makes it difficult to see what that point is as I’m not sure whether she’s genuinely trying to help or is just trying to be unkind, and that in turn is putting me off opening up.

But I will say I am not negative in day to day life. I went to visit friends once and they picked me up from the airport. The status they put was along the lines of the sun being out and sunshine was going to be here for a few days —outs self—

(I was the sunshine, if that wasn’t clear.)

It’s just when I’m alone.

Green of course I talk to my friends, but very understandably, preschool children make life relentless and busy and so my social opportunities revolve around Peppa Pig rather than meeting men Not that I think I’d meet a man anyway!

I think Polly is completely right!

I think though that everyone is negative at times. It isn't as simple as being a positive or negative person as murat of us are both. It's just that when we get into a spiral of negative thought we need to find a way of breaking it?

You sound very defeatist.

Most

Polly definitely isn’t being unkind.

I think she’s being honest.

I think it’s more about acceptance, Leila

Where did the OP ask for people to provide solutions to how she feels or to move her to a different 'stage'?

She said quite clearly that this was somewhere that she could acknowledge how she feels in a way she can't in real life. She didn't ask for solutions however well meaning but simply for her feelings to be heard.

weddingwishes I feel like I could have written your thread! I feel exactly the same. Online dating doesn't work for me and I don't naturally meet people...I know now marriage and children won't happen for me and I feel so sad about it.

Wedding can you try the process I suggested at 8:56?

She didn't ask for solutions however well meaning but simply for her feelings to be heard

Unfortunately she chose Aibu
High traffic and honesty !

I don’t think people always understand loneliness - I almost think we don’t want to as it’s a fearful state to contemplate

Sorry I can't remember who posted it, but I like the post about "little adventures".
It's easy to say "go travelling" but travelling is very expensive, and joining clubs may not be doable for the OP in her current state of mind...so I love the idea of going to a gig just once, ( amazing places to meet men btw) or trying a new coffee shop, or getting a pet.
Life is a giant, somewhat random web of interconnectedness. Sometimes if you change the small, seemingly insignificant things, it can make a big difference.

Yes I think there is a very poor understanding of loneliness stop

Spot on.

No, because I’m not wallowing, but thank you, Evelyn

I think the problem is that people interchange loneliness and boredom as if they are one and the same and they are not. Of course, lonely people get bored, but it really isn’t about finding things to do.

I think a lot of the advice here isn't helpful tbh, as if you aren't where you pictured yourself at the age of 40 you need to find a way of coming to terms with that. It's also unhelpful to say 40 isn't too old to have a baby, it is for a lot of women. Just because some are still popping them out at 45 many women are no longer fertile it is how it is, that's fact. Which you are well aware of

This, There is an organisation called Gateway Women

gateway-women.com/

set up for women in the OP’s situation and the founder, Jody Day has written a book. OP it might help, link below. There might a.so be. Gateway Women meetup group in your area. Not saying you’ll meet someone this way obviously but it can really help to know you’re not alone.

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Life-Unexpected-Meaningful-Fulfilling-ebook/dp/B0168VGMOM/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=jody+day&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1520157641&sr=8-1

I think you sound nice by the way- and you are taking a bit of a kicking! It's OK to feel a bit shit about being single and 40. Jesus, I'd like to see some people cope with that. Easy to lecture when you are safely married with kids!
You are more resilient than you think.

Do you know what OP? I hear you. It's Ok to feel sad about the situation as it is today. Sure there's the future and who knows what that holds blah blah but for today, you feel sad about it and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that and have that feeling validated.

There is something in my life that never happened for me (I won't go into detail) but I've watched other people get it time and again. If I voiced that I felt sad about this to family/friends I am quite certain they'd say "you could do X/you could do Y/count your blessings" etc, which I know already. Sometimes you just want your feelings acknowledged and it's healthy and helpful to offload from time to time without suggestions as to how it can be "fixed". Sometimes it's a very good step towards making peace with something that you can express it outwardly, it helps if you are not made to feel guilty because you have X instead, or guilty because you haven't done Y to fix it yourself.

So I will only just say that I hear you, and I can understand why it makes you sad, today.

The thing is, IfNot,and honestly , I’m not being rude, but that almost seems to assume I have led a hermit like existence to this point.

I haven’t. I have friends, have done things, gone out for lunch and dinner and coffee, gone to concerts, plays, galleries, museums. I actually probably “do” more in some ways than some of my coupled up friends do: spending Saturday with someone is fine, spending Saturday alone isn’t, so you do have to force yourself to get out and about a bit.

And so you fill the minutes and the hours and I have to divide my days into three hour chunks sometimes (6-9, 9-12, 12-3, 3-6, 6-9, 9-midnight) to get through them, so I’ll wake some time in slot one and have coffee and maybe clean the house and go for a walk and then slot two I might go to the shops and ... and so on.

And sometimes, with a wry smile, it can be utterly shit.

I think it’s more about acceptance, Leila

Only if you let it be. OP,

It sounds like you're trying to make yourself feel better by saying it's too late. That way you don't have to take a risk by trying to change anything.

Well, it's not too late - not by a long way and no one on the I internet is going to agree with you because it's just not true. You're going to have to grab the bull by the horns on this one and change things for yourself.

OP this thread has been a very mixed bag

I think the fact that people are you as lovely and bubble speaks volumes

Sounds to me like you have run out of hope (that’s a kinder way of saying ‘given up’ ) . As noted loneliness can sap you utterly .

How can you get your hope back ? Even if you sit down and list every piece of constructive advice here and grade them .
1 = no fucking way
5 = could consider this

I think if nothing if will open your mind to how open and suggestive you are to making a change

I feel your pain, I'm 40 in a couple of months, never been married or had children. I've just been diagnosed with premature menopause so the child thing is well out of the window!

Feel like life has somehow passed me by and a little saddened by it... never travelled either, just wasted a lot of time on very wrong men.

I know this isn't helpful advice, just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way!

There are some shocking comments on this thread. I did 3 years of OLD and I wouldnt say I've given up (and so therefore deserve to be single!) I just cannot cope with any more awful men anymore. Trying to see the best in such ordinary entitled men. The idea that that means I've given up and so being single is something in my power to change is not true.

I like treasureinmytummy 's story! Tsking control.

I am sure you do lots- I meant do things that are slightly different. Little adventures because they are out of your normal routine. You don't have to though! I just liked the idea ( and am stealing it for myself!)