To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

I think you'd be better saying you'd rather he didn't go.

There's no way on earth that he'll go and not drink.

There is no way he's going to go and stay completely sober. You might as well leave him now. And if he gets completely drunk, he'll probably go into the strip club.

He's been drunk in the last few months. I know you were stressed out, but what was his behaviour like? Did he lie and cheat? Was he horrible to you?

I did tell him from the moment it was mentioned and many times after that I didn't want him to go but he insisted.
It is all paid for now as well.

He didn't lie or cheat as far as I know. He did break promises to do things with me / DS.
It's his past behaviour that's got me worried even though it was many years ago.

When he was younger, do you think he was an alcoholic? Or was he just young, stupid and drinking far too much?

Cascada - I do think he was young and stupid but also that if he'd continued down that road I think it would probably have have developed into alcoholism.

And you're actually trying to have another child with this man? If he were serious about not drinking he wouldn't be going at all.

If you let him drink “on special occasions” why can’t he drink on his friends stag? I think you are just going to have to trust him on the strip club situation, if you can’t trust him to respect your wishes (considering you see it as a form of cheating) then I think you have your answer anyway.

OK look. If it was many years ago, you forgave him?

And he's managed to behave while drinking on (not regular) nights out, I think you should cut him some slack.

Strip club ban, fair enough, but alcohol ban on a stag? That's not going to happen, I think if you push that ultimatum, you may as well break up now.

RLOU - he'd have 1 glass or 1 beer on birthdays / anniversary etc, it won't be 1 beer on a stag will it.

Ican understand your apprehension. However you also get real. No bloke is going to go on a stag night and stay and water.

I think youd be better saying you'd rather he didn't go.

Twist that statement around. A bloke says to his wife/gf. He'd rather she didn't go on a hen night.
He'd be called a bullying control freak

He's going to drink and he's going to go to the strip club if he goes. I think you've painted yourself into a corner.

It’s too unrealistic. It’s just not going to happen.

On water not and water, ffs

I'm with you on this

You're making yourself his gatekeeper to alcohol, which is a huge problem.

Why would you want to do that? He has to make these decisions himself.

You're just prolonging whatever's inevitable - either he'll stabilise or deteriorate, with our without your intervention. He's not your child.

ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick

Here's what I'd do. If he has behaved fine on nights out so far, give him a chance to be mature. Let him know that if there's any issues with alcohol again then you'll be expecting him to stop drinking completely and forever as a condition of continuing your relationship.

BastardGoDarkly - thank-you for your post, I am wondering and I genuinely don't know if he can drink without getting drunk, stopping at a couple if you see what I mean.

I'm not set in stone, that's why I'm asking people's opinions and advice here.

Good luck with that!

As an aside, why you're trying for baby no. 2 with an alcoholic who doesn't respect your wishes is beyond me.

As previous posters have said, you'd be better off to ask him not to go. There's no way he'll manage on a stag without drinking. He'd probably be happier not going.

Him even going should be make or break. Any of his true friends would understand.

I think YABU for trying to tell him what he can (not) do. However, YANBU to say "do what you like but please understand that if you choose to do X, Y, Z, then I'll be choosing to end the relationship"

You don't go on a weekend stag and not drink. He should be making safe decisions and told him he couldn't / shouldn't go.

if you have reached this level of control, or implementing rules then i think its already beyond help.

if he cared at all about the damage and stress he has caused, he would be telling you that he isnt going, or that he wont be drinking. instead its you telling him.

if he was serious about his sobreity, or at least his binge drinking habits, he wouldnt put himself in a position where he could get wasted. and his friends should understand this. a true friend wouldnt pressure him into anything that could ruin his family.

Cascada and roadto - your both right.
I do feel like I'm trying to control it.
I should be able to and I need to be able to trust him.
If he gets wasted though I'm not going to stay with him. I will just have to see how it goes.

My friend and I have booked a caravan for the same weekend with our kids so hopefully that will be fun and I won't be too stressed!