To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

Yes pretty much @Electricgobblers if you keep making ultimatums and don't follow them through, then they just aren't ultimatums.

Pretty much my whole family are alcoholics. Mother, aunties, uncles, grandparents. My first husband and my second husband. I do not drink at all, not because I ever had a problem but I am at risk because of my family history.

Over the years I must have witnessed all the tricks in the book, seen so many relapses and recovering attempts. It's scary how bad alcohol addiction is. I've attended AA meetings where men and women still go despite having not touched a drink in 10-20 years.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic and they should never ever drink again. Not even one. Not even a liquor chocolate. It is VERY rare for an alcoholic to manage to go back to social drinking.

My DH by the way, only ever drank cider. 3 litre bottle. This chap was on a BIG bottle of spirits a day! Fast forward 10 years and my DH was putting away up to 8 litres a day of cider.

It is awful, really awful and from what the OP has said and described, her partner IS an alcoholic.

He WILL drink, he's already been on "3 drunken nights out" in the last 6 months with this friend. He WILL go to the strip clubs, because the others will goad him to go, if he says he can't.

And how will you know anyway? He could make sure his mates don't post any pictures of him on social media, and swear on his child's life that he stayed sober and went for a kebab when they went to the strip club. (He'll have a very boring few hours on his own while they're in there.)

Not going to happen.

So, you need to decide to either leave, or let him go, knowing that he will do these things.
And stop TTC.

Who says chaos ? You seem very sure of every previous problem drinker ever?

People and addictions vary, there's no hard and fast rules you can apply to every person you've never met.

@CollyWombles - yes, I agree. I was quoting pictish and husky in my last couple of posts but had a bold-fail moment.

I wouldn’t be happy with my DP entering a strip club nor would he me and we both know it, don’t think we’d even consider going to one tbh. So you’re completely NBU to suggest that.

As for the drinking, he didn’t just binge drink as a young man on the weekends and realise it was becoming an issue so stop. He had an actual problem with alcohol, to an extent he almost lost his relationship through being unfaithful and his job. You have every right to be worried about him drinking, he is an alcoholic!

I would strongly suggest he doesn’t even go to the stag do tbh. I doubt he’d be able to go and resist drinking, also reckon even if he tried he would be coerced into it by ‘the lads’. Just how it is.

Of course the decision is up to him, I expect he’ll choose to go... and drink, and enter the strip club and do god knows what else In that instance I suggest the relationship ends but regardless, I definitely wouldn’t be trying for a baby with him...

UpsideDown - I am pleased for you that your dh has acknowledged his addiction, and is now in a place where he can say no.
However, reading everything the OP has posted, that is not the case with her dh. Her dh thinks he 'can just have one' or 'can have a couple' and doesn't seem to have acknowledged his addiction problems. He is also going away with a large group, some of whom are know for their twattish behaviour. That is why it is different, and that the OP's dh in those circumstances isn't likely to be sitting back in a hotel room not drinking alcohol.

As RoadtoRivendell said It doesn't take a huge leap to see that stag dos, while very possible for recovering alcoholics, would be sensibly deferred until sobriety is sufficiently robust

Whilst an alcoholic is not in control - or even yet acknowledging their alcoholism - then this stag do isn't the place to be, is it?

Nofuckingroom - you have absolutely nailed it.

This query is pointless because there is no way OP can hope to control what he does on that trip. Unless she is planning an hourly FaceTime check in as proof of his sobriety and obedience throughout the weekend, which would be utterly ludicrous, it’s a case of let it go and accept, or ditch her sensible, loving (by her own admission) husband and start divorce proceedings now. She’s not going to do that so there we have it.

Your addict husband has a short respite in his addictive behaviour and you had four good years and a child. He's now back on the sauce and his life will fall down around him. You're wasting your time trying to negotiate the details of this collapse, while your time should be spend obtaining suitable contraception.

I'm genuinely very sorry this has happened to you. Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic and they should never ever drink again. Not even one. Not even a liquor chocolate. It is VERY rare for an alcoholic to manage to go back to social drinking.

^This. I was an alcoholic from about age 17 - 26. I'm now tee-total in my 30s.
The idea that young people can't be alcoholics and the normalising of excessive drinking really gets under my skin.

Firstly) there won’t be any photos/videos shared. Secondly) he will be going to a strip club if that’s part of the plan and you will be none the wiser. As for the drinking, I’m not so sure.

Be realistic- going on a stag and not drinking or going to a strip show when all the other men are, never going to happen. You might as well leave now.

I can guarantee his mobile phone battery will go too

There's never any photos videos shared of stag dos funny that isn't it

OP if you were on a hen do and the company went to see some male strippers, would you say, “No...it’s cheating on dh so I’m not coming.” then go and sit in another bar by yourself until they were finished or would you go with them?

But a marriage is never going to work, if one person is never allowed to go out. You can't control another person to such an extent. IF he starts getting pissed every day, of course Op can leave him. But he seems so far off that right now. He drinks on special occasions. Big wow.

It's arranged & paid for so not going isn't an option.

It's not jury duty. Of course he can not go.

I'd assume the worst will happen - you're very unlikely to actually find out unless he gets arrested or hospitalized though - so just proceed with what you want to do on that basis.

Yes of course he can not go

Yes he can not go...and from here unto the end of his days ask his wife’s permission to fart.

Because he was a twat when he was 21.

He is a kind and thoughtful person in everyday life and I do trust him 100% when he is sober.
Alcohol is the devils work! (Not literally!)

He wasn't a social drinker - he drank those bottles of rum in our flat. I would rush home from work early to pour the rest away if I could.

I am not controlling him. He had a problem and I'm worried he's going to relapse. It's not just me that this affects any more.

I will not be leaving him now because of something he MIGHT do and you must have low impressions of men if you think they aren't capable of standing up to their mates. He is - if he's sober.

He loves a good book and having a kebab and is a keen runner so he has things he can do, he doesn't have to be sat in the room sad and alone.
He is also able to get his own room if he feels it is unmanageable.
He is capable of staying sober and not letting his arsehole mates influence him if he wants to.. it is up to him if he wants to.

Pictish - your not getting this are you? He wasn't a twat - he was / is an alcoholic!

OP I think you may have to accept that he HAS relapsed already - the fact that he drank at home is more an indicator that he was an alcoholic.

This isnt about him standing up to his mates though it is about HIS relationship with alcohol

Yes he can not go...and from here unto the end of his days ask his wife’s permission to fart.

I didn't know farting was a part of alcoholism. This forum always teaches me something new...

Be realistic- going on a stag and not drinking or going to a strip show when all the other men are, never going to happen. You might as well leave now.

I have to say, I agree.

Yes he can not go...and from here unto the end of his days ask his wife’s permission to fart.
You either don't get this or are being a GF and I can't tell which.

So I'll be charitable and give another take:

Harry has dabbled in cocaine when he was younger. When off his face on cocaine Harry would be a danger to himself and others. Harry has been clean but his wife has noticed he has started dabbling again. Harry wife is worried that if he goes to aj event where everyone is doing cocaine then it could send Harry down thr path of relapse.
Harry's wife wants to discuss this because she is concerned.

By your standards Harry's wife should back off because she's some controlling henpecker who should let harry take cocaine if he wants to because he is a free man.