To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

Can I ask OP, did you bring up AA or did he? It's great that he wishes to go however alcoholics can appear to do and say a lot regarding stopping drinking but they are just saying what they think you want to hear.

Should he actually go, ideally he would do 90 days of 90 meetings, so every day for minimum of three months.

I went with my DH for his first one, he wanted me to as he was super nervous. He left the meeting walking on air, he didn't feel judged, could relate to what was being said and was so happy he went. I was a bit stunned, having been allowed to listen to the various stories, despite my experience of alcoholics, I was amazed and saddened at the sheer lengths alcoholics will go to, to be able to drink and how much they had lost as a result.

Despite attending AA, my DH did relapse briefly. He got a new job and after making a sauce that used alcohol, he took a swig from the bottle.

For those that don't understand alcoholism (and there is a lot on his thread) That IS a relapse. That one swig. That turned in two. And then three as the days went on.

He has now been sober 7 months with the help of the AA and also from taking Antabuse which prevents him from drinking as he will be violently unwell if he does. Those were his choices and ultimately his sobriety is solely down to his WANT to be sober.

This is what is important to establish OP. Does your partner WANT to be sober, or does he just not want to lose you?

If, in my opinion, he was concerned about his drinking and seriously wanted to not drink, he would NOT be going on this stag, off his own violation. Recovering alcoholics do not put themselves in any situation where alcohol is present where they can reasonably avoid it.

I would also establish if he can identify any reason as to why the drinking is beginning to creep in and up again. Is it a coping mechanism? Is he under stress just now? In which case a trip to the GP for a discussion about managing stress would be in order.

If he can't give you any real reason, then the reason is that of his alcoholism. Just because.

@EarlGreyT the reason people are so keen to normalise his drinking 9 years ago are either naivety to alcohol and alcoholism, being defensive because they have been in a similar situation OR....to wind up the OP.

Let's put it this way, those attempting to normalise his behaviour then as 'being 21), I would be rather concerned if they had a 21 year old son drinking a big bottle of rum every night, threatening to cut their wrists and losing jobs, and just said to themselves, oh never mind, he's only 21. That's what young people do.

Earlgreyt I agree with much of what you're saying but not again not all alcoholics behave in the same way. Some relapse in a slow gradual way, some fast gradual and some don't so much fall off the wagon as throw themselves off it! Going from teetotal to massive binge.

I agree colly - addicts great at apologies and promises, rarely follow through.

Also the recovery journey isn't a continual improvement, it's ups and downs - that's why "one day at a time" cos as for everyone - some days are harder than others. And positive events are just as likely to cause stress as negative ones.

Also op be aware he may turn into a "dry drunk" that's someone who is physically sober but emotionally, mentally still in the addiction. Also be aware that he may well have been drinking more and more often than he's told you. Addicts can be masterful liars and manipulators.

I'd be extremely surprised if he independently arrived at the conclusion he should go to AA meetings.

Graphista
I didn’t mean to imply that all alcoholics relapse by escalating slowly/gradually. I was trying to say in response to the people suggesting that the OP’s drinking isn’t a problem that the way her husband is drinking is exactly how some (but not all) alcoholics spiral.

Quite a few posters on here seem to be under the impression that because he isn’t drinking vodka first thing in the morning he can’t have a problem which is obviously incorrect and I was trying to correct this misconception.

Statements such as this ”Alcoholics who fall off the wagon do so completely, they do not just start drinking occasionally.” seem to be the more commonly held view on this thread and the point I was trying to make was that relapses don’t always happen like that and drinking as the OP’s husband does is how some alcoholics relapse.

My sentence “this is exactly how alcoholics start spiralling” should have said “this is exactly how SOME alcoholics start spiralling” as I didn’t mean to imply it’s always the same for all of them.

Going in a strip club on a stag do is just what men do, my partner had never been in one when we got together and I told him I was fine with it when he went on a stag do.....he just felt embarrassed for the women there more than anything, and I say it doesn't matter where they get their appetites as long as they eat at home haha, the not drinking thing is a tough one as I can see why you do t want him to but it would be really difficult for him to go and stay sober, as other posters have said he might as well not go

Earlgrey - I hoped you meant that, but as you say a lot of sweeping statements on this thread inc several as you say that imply if he's not doing the proverbial vodka on the cornflakes he's not an alcoholic.

Those of us that have lived with addicts or indeed been active addicts know better.

Yeah right, sure that's what he said and he's going to aa.

Are you that desperate for folks to agree with you on an Internet forum you'd make that extreme crap up?

Most unbelievable ludicrous thing I've read on here today. 🤣

I wouldn't be ok with this either.

If he's that important to the Stag then he would understand and maybe arrange a lunch/dinner/smaller night out at home.

Going in a strip club on a stag do is just what men do
A bit insulting to men isn't it? I'm sure there are many men out there who would find the whole thing awful. It's not 'something men do'.
(For what it's worth I personally have no issue as long as all parties are freely giving informed consent and aren't being driven by desperation)

Would you not be happier in a relationship where you weren't fighting for 'control'? If he's going to AA, you could go to CODA. You need it, truly. xx

If he goes on the stag weekend he will drink. Period. He may not intend to but he will. He will also probably go along to the strip club if that’s on the table (it will be).

There may be four day stag weekend which involve drinking tea and discussing improving books but this doesn’t sound like one of them.

Hang fire on ttc. Neither of you are ready. He’s teetering on the edge of a relapse and you don’t trust him and set some very tough ultimatums.

Bluntness - go back under your bridge

Christmas - what is coda?

We have discussed AA in the past but it was him that brought it into the conversation last night much to my relief. He really is a good man after the fact of this one flaw of alcoholism.

It's one hell of a flaw

I'd be extremely surprised if he independently arrived at the conclusion he should go to AA meetings

Where do you think the members of AA come from?

I think that is great news, OP.

OP - Bluntness is like that routinely on a number of threads. It's not just you.

That's great OP. I wish you both the best of luck.

I have name changed for this.

I have been in your husband's position, and can only speak about this from my perspective.

I know that I cannot have one drink. I stopped drinking alcohol for about 8 years and when something that broke me emotionally happened, I spiralled out of control again. I have stopped drinking again for nearly six years, and this time I hope it lasts. I have learnt that I need to stop drinking for my sake and how it effects me, not because of another person's wishes. By that, I mean that I don't drink because of what it does to my life and how I live it, not because I want to please another person, because if something happens to that external reason, I don't have my emotional crutch. Obviously there is a need to please the other person, but it needed to be reflected in my decision for myself. I suppose I mean I need to stop drinking because of the grief I feel at the devastation I am causing this other person, not because they want be to stop drinking and I just want to please them (if that makes sense).

I am sorry, that sounds completely garbled, but I don't know how to express myself with more clarity.

However, the very last thing I could cope with would be something like a boozy weekend. I personally would have to avoid it like the plague, because i just know that I couldn't handle it.

But then again, I have always found that I can only take groups in very small doses, and that, mixed with alcohol, would be disastrous for me.

Tbh ultimatum like "one drink and it's over" often do more harm than good whereas realistic limits/boundaries may feel like youre enabling them in reckless behaviour but its better to enable than set someone up to fail.

"One drink and you're out" means that the second a drop of alcohol passes their lips they have broken the rule, so where is the incentive to stop? Its the old "might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb" mentality - if you'll throw him out for having one drink, once he's started he might as well continue as he's getting dumped anyway.

What would be better is discussing with him a sensible cut off, or strategies to help him limit the drinking on the trip, so he can go on the trip but have a limit of per day. That way he can have a few drinks and not feel deprived but can still feel like he has control of the situation.

He should then have someone in the stag party who he trusts to support him in sticking to that limit. Yes there might be some dicks in the group but surely there must be some sensible people in the group who he could take to one side before the trip and say "Look, you know I have issues with alcohol, this is my plan for getting through the stag trip, will you help me stick to it?" and if there isn't anyone he feels he could enlist to support him then this group are not his friends.

Slightly different scenario but I have a friend who had just found out she was pregnant, but as she had suffered several miscarriages in the previous year, didn't want to share the news publically until after the 12 week mark and she was paranoid about doing anything to harm the baby. Unfortunately for her it was another friend's milestone birthday and we had a boozy girls weekend away that had been planned for over a year so if she had not been drinking it would have been obvious straight away and people would have questioned her. She didn't want that (and she also didnt want to overshadow the birthday girl's big day with her pregnancy news) so before we went she confided in me and we came up with strategies to hide the fact she wasnt drinking - from her drinking "spirits and mixers" which were purely mixer to having me excuse myself from the table near the start of a meal in a restaurant to find our server and discreetly point out my friend and asking for their help in ensuring any drink she is given is non alcoholic as she wasn't drinking but didn't want the others to know.

We have discussed AA in the past but it was him that brought it into the conversation last night much to my relief. He really is a good man after the fact of this one flaw of alcoholism. So if you have, then was it clear you and your dh were dealing with alcoholism? In which case, occasional drinkies would be outlawed surely?

I don't know why you're saying Bluntness is a troll, she's on here all the time and gives great advice.