To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

Even so...she can’t force her will on him can she? He’ll do what he wants to do, same as the rest of us.

You're ttc with this man so how bad can he be, really? Do you want him to continue paying for past mistakes?He's going on the Stag - all you can do is trust him not to be stupid.

If you're going to grill and monitor him about it continuously when he gets back + give ultimatums then yes, maybe you will damage your marriage. I can see why you feel as you do but I think you're going to have a hard time exerting control over him. He's an adult.

Have you accepted who he is? If not an alcoholic, a potential one at least. Where's your starting point re dealing with this?

Again - you are ttc with this man. He must have redeeming qualities..you've not said he's cheated or been an aggressive/ belligerent drunk etc. I hope you can have a calm and clear discussion about the exact things that are bothering you.

Actually I think yabu about the drinking he's a grown man on a stag do and should be allowed to make his own choices.

In terms of the strip club up to you I don't agree with you on that either but understand everyone has their own views on them.

He may as well not go is that what you'd prefer?

Oh and if you trust him so little hold off on the ttc ffs

It won’t be the fault of the “biggest prick in the world” if your DH cheats. It will be the fault of your DH.

Your DH is making choices that you don’t agree with. They’re your line in the sand. Why are you waiting til after? You know he’s going to “fail”.

If you let him drink “on special occasions” why can’t he drink on his friends stag? I think you are just going to have to trust him on the strip club situation, if you can’t trust him to respect your wishes (considering you see it as a form of cheating) then I think you have your answer anyway.

Exactly this.

To be honest OP, i think you sound like hard work.

You said in one of your updates thato you are not 'set in stone' but in the OP you said that you'd already told him you will leave him if 1. he drinks and 2. goes to the strip club.

Stop treating him like a child.

She doesn't sound like hard work at all!

YANBU!

I'm sure this has been on here before

Your husband is an alcoholic. There’s no point in dressing it up, anyone who drinks a bottle of rum in one night is an alcoholic

^^ this. Anyone who has every know what it is to be alcohol dependent will realise that one glass can send the person into a downward spiral.

OP, it doesn't matter if the do is bought and paid for, sunk cost fallacy applies. The money has been spent.

I'd talk to him one last time about the concern you have, and how he is putting himself into a situation of temptation, which is too much to ask anyone least of all him, to stay dry the whole evening. Everyone else will be tanked up and he will feel really an outsider. Could you both go away somewhere instead?

There's no way he's going to think clearly away from home if this is what he's like.

It will be boys on tour, what happens on tour, stays on tour mentality. It would be best if he didn't go, particularly if there's some knob head who would enjoy spiking him. Like you pointed out he's gone from teetotal to special occasion drinker to any occasion drinker... I'd be cautious of getting pregnant anytime soon....

You gave him an ultimatum already.

Quit drinking or I leave you.

You didn’t leave.

He knows you’re the boy who cried wolf now at this point.

Brazenhussy being a ‘borderline alcoholic’ as per your surmission does not negate his autonomy. Do you understand that? That your disapproval of his past misdemeanours has absolutely no bearing on what he should do and that he is an adult and will choose for himself?

Pp saying he'll have to go along to strip clubs as others will be: not true at all. My DH knows my boundaries on this. I actually wish they were his, without my influence, but at least he respects them. He waits in another pub for the others; simple.

I'm sure it is possible to go on a Stag weekend and not drink alcohol. But not this Stag. 15 blokes sharing 2 rooms. A nightmare encourager. Plans to visit a strip club. This has laddish drunken carnage written all over it.
I think you're taking the right stance OP. But if it were me, I'd already be thinking the marriage over if there is this level of disagreement about what is likely to happen.

For his own health he shouldn't go. He's a recovering alcoholic, it's common sense not to go on something where he'll be expected and pressured to get blind drunk. If he tries to go and not drink, he'll fail.

In fact he ought to consider cutting of his "friend" altogether. They've already repeatedly invited your alcoholic DH on piss-ups, they probably think it's funny. They won't be the ones suffering when your DH relapses to full-blown alcoholism, it'll be DH and you.

So, this is a man who was drinking a bottle of rum a night, had an affair, and the op is the one who is hard work? Really?

Addicts are on the whole, incredibly manipulative. Clearly the OP has fallen for the “only on special occasions” line but it also seems clear that she maybe never really properly came to terms with how things were at the beginning of their relationship

What the OP likely needs to do is to re-evaluate how she really feels about this man and the fact that despite promises he’s made he has fallen back into the world of alcohol, even if it’s only on special occasions for now.

It’s not rocket science to see that special occasions will soon be at the family bbq because “I managed to contain my drinking at x’s wedding or y’s christening,” and before you know it they’ll have wine in the house for drinking with the family meal, and then it’ll be a bit more and then it’ll be spirits because he’s obviously capable of containing his drinking now you see.

And OP knows this because she knows deep down that he’s going to drink at the stag do. But because she’s not yet in a place to admit that he’s not able to control his drinking she believes it’ll be because he’s had his drinks spiked or similar.

What OP really needs to do is to re-evaluate her entire relationship and to ask herself whether she genuinely wants to spend the rest of her life and more importantly bring another child into the world with a man who is going to always make her wonder when and where he is going to trip up and start drinking again.

If a man was saying this about a woman there would be uproar.

Upsideup - thank-you for your post.
I am going to have a serious sit down with him tonight and talk about all of this.

I know he can not drink, most of the lads know he stopped drinking for a very good reason even if they didn't know all of what he had done whilst drunk.

He is also really claustrophobic so he could leave early for a kebab (he loves kebabs and pizzas so it's a good excuse).

He will also have enough money to stay in a different hotel if he wants to - which some of them have done in the past because of how bad the hostels were!

I'm going to let it go, tell him to do what he wants but say if he gets wasted I'm gone whilst preparing myself for that eventuality just in case.

He is generally a lovely and a pretty sensible man so once we have a serious chat, I am hoping this strikes home.

I think you should go back and read my posts again pictish, you clearly didn't read them the first time round.

You came on here with a sarky 'If you want obedience, get a dog.' line that is of absolutely no help to the OP and that's why I took it up with you.

HTH.

YABU to tell him not to drink
YANBU to present your views on strip clubs.
He has to put his big boy pants on and learn how to drink in moderation.

What bothers me is he'll say he'll drink responsibly and say no to strip clubs but what he'll actually do is drink to excess and then use that and his excuse for going to strip clubs.

Personally, I think you should propose your line on strip clubs and express ypur concerns about his alcohol use then leave it up to him on the clear understanding that if he betrays your trust then there re some serious conversations about the future of your relationship

Oh and stop planning a baby with a man child who you can't trust to regulate his alcohol intake.

YABU.

To a degree it seems like you are setting him up to fail as it is an unrealistic demand.

You're being massively controlling.

He drank heavily when he was 21. Show me any 21 year old that doesn't get pissed a lot.

He is now having to pay for that, by being micro managed by his wife. You have said that he now only drinks ONE drink, on Special Occasions. Sounds fine to me.

You ask whether you are BU with your "Demands". Yes. Yes you are. You don't get to demand what a grown man does. You either let him live his life, or you place him on house arrest for the next 50 years.

It's a Stag Do. They will all get pissed and may or may not visit a strip club. So what? You are not his keeper. I can't imagine how suffocated he must feel right now.

Imagine a woman coming on here and saying "When I was 21, I used to drink very heavily. I'm now 31, and I only ever have 1 drink on special occasions. I am going on my best friends Hen Do in a few weeks, and my DH has told me, that if I have anything to drink, or if I see the Dream Boys with the rest of the group, that our marriage is over. Is he controlling?"

.....screams of LTB

When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things

.Well - this is the man you got with. It does sound as if he's tried to improve at times tho. But you still knew he had a drink problem. You are probably almost at the end of your tether now - I say almost, as you still conceived with him and are trying to do do again ,- I just think on the face of it, your ultimatums aren't useful.

Tell him you are worried about his drinking and want him to seek help. Doesn't have to be done in a confrontational way. You're with him so you could show you'd support him. Tell him how worried you are generally. It doesn't have to be entirely linked to this stag night which seems to be looking so large in your mind.

The strip club is a separate thing you need to tackle, perhaps not the same time as the alcohol convo

If a man was saying this about a woman there would be uproar.

No, there really wouldn't.

My wife used to have massive problems with alcohol. She seems to be sliding back into these behaviours and habits. She's due to go on a hen night.... etc