To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

I’m sorry but if he is an alcoholic why are you fine with him drinking one or two sometimes ? I’m asking because I have a lot of alcoholism in my family and I wouldn’t be okay with that.

I hope everything goes okay for you.

I do get it but I don’t imagine issuing commands will change that or what he does on the trip. Do you get that?

Be careful OP.

You’re taking responsibility for/trying to manage his behavior. You’re already talking about the friend who’s try to get him to cheat and drink.

He’s a grown man and the only person who is responsible for his alcohol consumption.

He drank heavily, for a short time, when he was 21. He hardly drinks at all now. Why are you so keen on labeling him as an alcoholic? Be careful that you aren't doing that, in order to permanently clip his wings. No one can live happily, under such scrutiny.

Imho the going to a strip show is a bit of a red herring OP , you don't need to worry about that when his true love, true addiction is alcohol. That is the OW in your life OP .

Maisy - the scenario is not made any different by changing alcohol to cocaine. He will still do what he wants on the trip.

I think all you can do is talk to him, tell him how you feel and let him get on with it.what he decides to do is up to him knowing the consequences. If I were you I'd keep myself busy so you aren't sat worrying about what he's doing. I say this after being with a man who used to disappear every weekend on a drink/drug bender. Despite me begging, pleading, not to do it. He was a grown man who chose to do these things regardless of who he was with. I put up with it for a lot longer than I should have... but ultimately left him. I hope things work out for you x

OP if you are labelling him as an alcoholic then you must surely realise that 'allowing him to have a drink here or there for special occasions just isn't acceptable? An alcoholic can't just have one or two then stop-it's an addiction.
He's had 3 drunken night's out in the last 6 months? He's therefore well & truly off the wagon.

He loves a good book and having a kebab and is a keen runner so he has things he can do, he doesn't have to be sat in the room sad and alone

He is also able to get his own room if he feels it is unmanageable

So, all the other men share 2 rooms, and no doubt have a right laugh. Your DH is being persuaded to get a single room. And read books. And go for runs. He will be that one boring guy on the stag do, that everyone rolls their eyes at.

OP if you were on a hen do and the company went to see some male strippers, would you say, “No...it’s cheating on dh so I’m not coming.” then go and sit in another bar by yourself until they were finished or would you go with them?*

Why do people try to pull out all these stupid ‘double standard’ arguments.
I don’t know about the OP, but I wouldn’t go because I think it gross and demeaning. And even if I didn’t believe that but it was something that was important to my DP, I still wouldn’t go as I respect him.

You seem to be adamantly trying to downplay the situation to something else. DH is an alcoholic. He recovered. DH is relapsing. A boundary of their continued relationship was that he gave up alcohol. OP has done her best to remain okay about the fact that he’s having odd relapses here and there, but we all know if he’s going to end back where he was (or worse) it will start with a bender - something that is likely on a stag do.

OP is thinking about her marriage and family and asking him not to drink is reasonable (as is not going to strip clubs despite what you may think). Whether that’s realistic, I don’t know, but if it’s important to her and the marriage she can it. If the marriage is important to him then he’ll respect her wishes - if not it’s up to the OP to make her feelings clear and leave.

one boring guy

Because he doesn’t drink or go to strip clubs? I didn’t realise that was the quantifier of how ‘fun’ you are.

An alcoholic can't just have one or two then stop-it's an addiction

And yet, the Op is telling us that's exactly what her DH does. He only drinks ONE drink, on special occasions. The last time he drank heavily was NINE years ago.

Maisy Why have you changed the story to cocaine ? Cocaine is an illegal drug, and in any event as PP said it doesn’t make the story any different you have just changed the substance?

Never, ever, EVER make threats you arne't prepared to stand by

And given that what yo've asked is almost impossible for an ex alcoholic who crumbles to peer pressure, start packing.

I agree about strippers, male or female. I find the whole notion embarrassingly basic, lacking in intelligence and taste and personally it’s not an event I would ever choose to spectate willingly. If I was on a hen do that wanted to go and watch some oily pricks gyrate around like a pack of numpties I’d roll my eyes and sit at the bar wishing I was anywhere else but in that sweaty venue with a bagful of whooping harpies.
But I wouldn’t see it as cheating. And I’d still go for the bride’s sake.

The last time he drank heavily was NINE years ago.

I’m not sure - he’s been on ‘3 drunken nights in the past 6 months’ - I take that to mean he got drunk?

And you are completely downplaying alcoholism. It is exceedingly rare that a former alcoholic can go on to drink occasionally without relapsing. That’s why people end up going to meetings and staying clean for life.

one boring guy

Because he doesn’t drink or go to strip clubs? I didn’t realise that was the quantifier of how ‘fun’ you are.

A big group of people go out for a shared event. One of the people doesn’t want to participate in any of the activities. This is a downer for both them and the other people. He would be far better just not going

He's even more likely to do both of those things once he gets free of you breathing your orders down his neck.

And the sitting down for a serious chat thing. You mean sitting him down for a nag.

You do not tell someone what to do. It's controlling. The imbalance of power you're trying to create is more harmful than any drunken night he might have with his friends on holiday. Which by the way, is totally normal!

Pictish & Husky - your not being helpful at all... I'm wondering if your trying to shit stir.

He can see his mates as much as he wants, he regularly has done.
The drinking however IS an issue.

RLOU - I guess I hoped it was youth - didn't want it to be true. It didn't last years and years, he quit tee total just like that (after losing his job and almost me) so I was hoping he was just young and foolish... I'm only just coming to terms with it being alcoholism myself.

He managed with just one drink for special occasions for a couple of years but it's been a downward road into more than one and eventually getting drunk and breaking promises.

Mine too @Brazenhussy0 I watched Louis Theroux documentary on alcoholism and was SO pleased to finally see a program where it showed alcoholics that weren't on spirits and incapable of getting around. The documentary features heavily on beer and cider and showed a variety of ages.

The stereotyping and unfortunate naivety of alcoholism makes me really sad. Most alcoholics are such lovely people without the alcohol, some even with it, it's such a shame that lives are wasted to it and the damage it causes to family and friends.

Nine years sober does not make him recovered. Because there is NO such thing as a recovered alcoholic. Having only had a few in a six month period does not make him recovered. He could continue that way for a year maybe even more and then suddenly hit it hard and go right back to where he was.

Some alcoholics start with just one or two as it's enough to take the edge off and gradually it becomes four or five and so on.

The point is, and this is the point, there is NO such thing as a recovered alcoholic. No matter how much time has passed.

Hmm. If he can manage his intake, and not be stupid enough to be in pictures with strippers, I would limit your response to a wry smile.
If, as I suspect, he gets so rat-arsed he forgets decency, caution and sphincter control, bin him.
I used to binge drink, but much worse was the single glass after work. I was perpetually hungover, angry and depressed. About 10 years ago I stopped alcohol completely, unless I could negotiate with DW time and space for the hangover. Since I have little social life, this is about once a year or so. I did this without prompting, because no one can stop anyone else drinking. You can't be his manager on this, and you can't issue ultimatums. You can only respond to his behaviour.

Why do you see my opinion as shit stirring? Why would I wish to shit stir? I’m simply giving you my view, which you bloody asked for.

Ok, lay down the law then. I’m sure he’ll comply.

OP, you can't win this.

With his history, if he were a sensible person he would not go at all (stag do's like this and mates like this? It will not end well)

Ultimately you can't control him.

This should all come from him. He is choosing booze and mates over you and kids.

You may pressure him just enough to lie about it, what have you gained then?

Basically, if he goes to this do, and does not face up to his alcoholism There is no future for you as a couple, I don't think, sorry if that is harsh...

Three things:

1. NEVER give an ultimatum if you are not prepared to carry it out.
2. Get ready to leave. He's an alcoholic who believes he can drink 'in moderation'. This NEVER works well.

3- Please stop trying for another baby. Life as a lone parent with one child is already tough. Why make it worse on yourself?

Remember that the good times when he's not drinking are not as good as the bad times are bad when he is.

Pictish & Husky - your not being helpful at all... I'm wondering if your trying to shit stir

What? Because we don't agree with you? Can you see how controlling that is?