To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

When he was younger, do you think he was an alcoholic? Or was he just young, stupid and drinking far too much?

if he'd continued down that road I think it would probably have have developed into alcoholism.

Seriously? A man drinks a bottle of rum A NIGHT, loses his job because he rocked up drunk and you have to ask if he is an alcoholic? Op, you are being naive. he is already an alcoholic.

@upsideup - But this man is already drinking again. Hence why people are saying he won't stay sober on the stag. Your dh has done brilliantly, but he is a very different case to this man.

He's a recovering alcoholic Except he's not. Because he is still drinking.

most of the lads know he stopped drinking for a very good reason even But he hasn't stopped drinking, has he?

He is capable of staying sober and not letting his arsehole mates influence him if he wants to.. it is up to him if he wants to. Except you accuse his mates of spiking his drinks, so staying sober may not actually he a choice...

The last time he drank heavily was NINE years ago. Yet op states in her op ... Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out ... In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out and He managed with just one drink for special occasions for a couple of years but it's been a downward road into more than one and eventually getting drunk and breaking promises.

An alcoholic does not just quit drinking overnight without medical help or rehab. Ten years later he drinks on special occasions. Alcoholics who fall off the wagon do so completely, they do not just start drinking occasionally. I suggest you inform yourself about alcoholism. Because you are so very wrong.

Jesus. He's been sober for at least four years. except he hasn't, if you read the op's posts. his drinking has been escalating recently.

A drunken knife to the wrist when he was younger is not typical alcoholic behaviour, it is symptomatic of a young person using alcohol to cope with the pain of a greater trauma ... Which means he is NOT an alcoholic. Except, using alcohol to deal with trauma is what an alcoholic does...

@Bluntness100 You seriously don't see anything wrong with a 21yr old drinking a bottle of rum a NIGHT? I have been around some heavy drinkers, none of them polished off a bottle of spirits a night.

And seriously, one mistake and he's out the door? That's not love. He's already cheated, so it's more like one more mistake, not one.

I don't see the bit where he already cheated. Where is this?

You can’t control him or his behaviour. He’s going on a stag weekend and will drink. You’re not going to be there so his drinking isn’t going to affect you.
I don’t agree with strip clubs but you can’t ban him, you can ask him not to go and tell him it’s a deal breaker (if it actually is) but ultimately whatever he does is his choice.
Your choice is what you will accept and whether you stay or go.
Trying to control another human will only drive you mad.

She's controlling because she's not allowing him to make his own decisions.

Of course he can make his own decisions. He’s a big boy.

He is an adult, the decisions are his. You can’t tell him he can’t drink or can’t go to the strip club. Those are his decisions. All you can do is let him know how you feel about it and decide how you will react if he does these things.
Exactly the same would apply to the opposite situation.

I don't see the bit where he already cheated. Where is this?

Third paragraph of the OP.

Another yabu from me, it's a stag do. I get why you want want him to not drink but there's no way he will do that. No man is going to want to look that under the thumb of their partner. Same with the strip club (personally I can't get bothered about this,but would be annoyed by a private dance).

I think it is reasonable to kick off if he acts like a prick when he gets back and the last say he should ease off the drinking so he's not got a drinking hangover when he's back.

Oh yes, I see it now.

Lol at some of the pearl clutching. Many of us those with mates and a social life drunk heavily at 20/21. It doesn't make us alcoholics, it makes us young an stupid.

And is she controlling, of course she is, she is threatening to end the marriage and take his kid away if he drinks. This isn't even don't drink and come home to me, this is even when you're away from home and not with me, don't drink then either.

Honestly. If my husband told me when I was away I wasn't allowed to drink my response would be "leave the kid and don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out".

The truth is I suspect she's not wishing to leave, it's an empty threat. she's desperate to stay together, and it's the thought of him going to a strip club or cheating that is driving her to be this controlling, n case he meets or sees someone he perceives as better.

You can't keep someone by holding on with an iron clad fist. She will just push him away and he will resent her. He's a grown man and there's nothing unreasonable about going drinking with your mates at a stag do or even going to a strip club with them, it's normal stag do behaviour.

There is everything unreasonable about a spouse who dictates you need to remain sober throughout thr trip away, watch the other blokes drink then when they go off to a strip club you have to go for a kebab and go to bed.

I can't think of any adult I know who would tolerate that sort of attempted control from a partner.

Lol at some of the pearl clutching. Many of usthose with mates and a social lifedrunk heavily at 20/21. It doesn't make us alcoholics, it makes us young an stupid.
I went out and did the heavy drinking thing as in going a bit mad on nights out.

I never took a knife to my wrist.
I never polished off a bottle of run a night to myself on a regular basis.
I never lost a job because of my drinking.

But sure, it's pearl clutchy to say there's an issue there. (Guess i better shuffle away to rewrite all thr PSHE information we get from alcohol charitite about regular drinking and excessive drinking to inform the students that drinking a bottle of spirits a night and losing your job over it is a totally normal part of young adulthood)

"As an aside, why you're trying for baby no. 2 with an alcoholic who doesn't respect your wishes is beyond me." Me too - I'd have left in that first year.

You can't successfully make an addict stop they have to want to. It's not uncommon to relapse after several years of sobriety.

By your own timings in op sounds like he started drinking again around the time of first pregnancy/child, is that right? Also he didn't discuss it with you it "snuck in" did he admit it? Deny having had a drink?

It really stressed you out yet he didn't care did he? He carried on? That's because he cares more about his drink than you or his child.

I agree you're just delaying the inevitable.

I don't think yabu I do think you're being unrealistic.

"if it were not this stag do it would be something else" yep!

"so all the people saying that its impossible are wrong." We're not saying it's impossible for ANY alcoholic to go on a stag and not drink, it sounds like your dh has made a conscious choice not to drink and has accepted he's an alcoholic - OP'S dh is nowhere near this point, is in fact slipping back into old bad habits.

Agree the pps saying "it's in the past" no it's not - once an addict always an addict as OP'S dh is doing a pretty good job of proving. They may be a sober addict or an addict in recovery - still an addict.

"yes, maybe you will damage your marriage" this is absolutely NOT the OP'S fault. And she is NOT hard work either, she's dealing with an incredibly difficult situation.

"you've not said he's cheated or been an aggressive/ belligerent drunk etc." You need to read OP'S posts - she says he was like this actually.

Can't help thinking there a number of pps responding who have absolutely no knowledge or experience of addiction.

"No, not all 21 year old's drink to the point they cheat on their partner, threaten self -harm and lose their job." Exactly!

Like collywombles I have a family full of addicts. One relative has not had a drink for over 30 years - still describe themselves as a recovering addict and goes to AA at least twice a week, more at times of stress.

Those saying "that's not how an alcoholic drinks/behaves" are ignorant of the condition. There is no "typical" alcoholic, it ranges from daily heavy drinking to occasional but regular binges to a slow decline back into heavy daily drinking and all stops in between. It smacks of "I'm not an alcoholic because I only drink champagne" thinking, that there is one model of alcoholism - that's not the case.

"I can envisage a thread in 6 months time where the OP is still with him but pregnant but DH has started going out more and more, leaving her at home. He is lovely at heart but how do i make him see i need him at home, not drinking with his mates." Sad to say me too

"Which means he is NOT an alcoholic." Again not true, many addicts become addicts through using a substance or activity as a bad choice of self medication for mental illness, reaction to a distressing time etc - doesn't mean they're not addicts AT ALL

"An alcoholic does not just quit drinking overnight without medical help or rehab. Ten years later he drinks on special occasions. Alcoholics who fall off the wagon do so completely, they do not just start drinking occasionally. I suggest you inform yourself about alcoholism. Because you are so very wrong." Definitely agree and they're not the only poster with prescriptive ideas about what an alcoholic "is".

Some really ignorant and unhelpful posts from posters who have CLEARLY never been close to let alone lived with an addict.

Op make sure your contraception is as reliable as possible and put serious thought into leaving whether he goes to the stag or not if he continues drinking which I strongly suspect he will. And as others have suggested go to al-anon for YOU not him.

As I said at the beginning I'd have left as soon as the alcoholism was apparent in that first year. It's miserable, fraught and incredibly stressful living with an addict - even when they're sober.

To be fair, as I spent my younger days with a wild crowd, l have personally known people to be crazy reckless as youngsters but mature into stable and dependable adults in time. There might be alcohol dependency, drug abuse, a total lack of self preservation or consideration for others in evidence...there might be extreme emotional angst teamed with a void of any sort of responsibility and yet some these people have still grown out of it and gone on to become functioning and successful adults with families and children of their own.
That this guy used to be a chaotic soak does not equate he must be kept on a short leash by his wife for the rest of his days ffs.

Maisy cmon you can't really be saying because you didn't do it then that means he's an alcoholic. That you are the standard bearer for youthful indiscretions?

Sure he was a little wanker. No doubt about it. And he held the knife to his wrist, it was a dramatic gesture, it's hardly like he did anything more with it.

Honestly, I don't think I had a particularly wild youth, but clearly in comparison to some on here I did.

It was nine years ago. He's all grown up. He has been out drinking three times in six months. He has the occasional drink last that. In no planet is that considered an alcoholic.

So is it pearl clutching to assume he is. No you're probably right it's not, it's just fucking ludicrous.

*That this guy used to be a chaotic soak does not equate he must be kept on a short leash by his wife for the rest of his days ffs"

I know it's mind boggling that some folks think he should be.

I spoke to DH and we had a long chat.
He agrees he shouldn't be drinking and has felt like he's slipping so he is going to AA.

The one who I believe could spike his drinks is a truly horrible awful person and DH knows this so he will be wary of him, keep to the safe drinks rules and all that.

The bloke who is getting married is a strong personality and if the lads give him any shit then I know he will stand up to them along with DH which will put him at ease a bit.

The stag is a few months away so he's got time to get 'stable' and for the other lads to get used to it.

Maisy cmon you can't really be saying because you didn't do it then that means he's an alcoholic. That you are the standard bearer for youthful indiscretions?
Obviously i'm not saying I am the standard bearer
You were acting like people are pearl clutching over normal drinking activities.
I was just pointing out that necking a bottle of rum a night, taking a knife to yout wrist and drinking so much you lose your job aren't normal drinking habits.

Most people get that on this thread. You came on purely with a view of having a pop at thr OP & proving she's obviously totally and utterly unreasomable

ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick I'm glad there's some movement on this. Please avoid ultimatums if you can't keep them. You can't 'let' him go or 'let' him drink because he is a grown man in charge of his own actions. All you can do is make your feelings known and then thr ball is in his court.

I didn’t read it all, I stopped at the part you said he had a problem with alcohol - therefore it is absolutely not unreasonable you ask him not to drink. If he does drink then he’s being irresponsible

I understand the desire for hope, but I really don't think a few months is enough time. I'm also concerned that he's going to AA because you want him to, not because he accepts he's an alcoholic and wants to address it.

Yay! I am so pleased that he has the self-awareness to see that he is slipping!! That is a good update.
If he doesn't get on with AA I think that there are other help groups that he can go to....not got experience myself, but I have seen them mentioned on MN elsewhere.

I don't think he should go. If I was the groom I would understand a friend who has had an alcohol problem not coming to a stag do.

Over that period I imagine it will be very difficult for your husband to not drink, especially on a stag do

He drank heavily, for a short time, when he was 21. He hardly drinks at all now. Why are you so keen on labeling him as an alcoholic?

I don’t understand the people so keen to normalise his drinking. Yes, he drank heavily when he was 21 as many people did. BUT he also lost a job through his drinking by turning up at work drunk. That is NOT normal. How many of those trying to normalise his drinking know someone who has lost a job by turning up drunk? This alone suggests to me he has a serious problem with alcohol.

Most 21 year olds who have a phase of excessive drinking which they “grow out of”, binge drink when going out at weekends. Drinking a big bottle of rum every night is not normal 21 year old behaviour, drinking a huge amount alone at home every night is not normal either.

But, unless you're missing out some detail, he's done nothing thus far to indicate that he is going to spiral.

If what the OP has posted herself isn't indicative of spiralling I don’t know what is:
”He quit drinking for 4 years. Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions.”

“Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.”

”In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend.”

And now he wants to go on a 4 day —bender— stag weekend.

This is exactly how alcoholics start spiralling. The alcohol gradually creeps in with increasing frequency and in increasing quantities. It doesn’t generally go from abstaining to starting drinking again by having vodka on their cornflakes and drinking from brown paper bags on a park bench.

You are sending mixed messages. It's OK for him to drink on special occasions, but not during a stag. You are essentially saying that you don't trust him, but you are trying for another child. You don't seem happy with your partner, you are trying to control him like a child. If you don't like what he does why not separate ?

I'm so glad he's going to AA. OP you should consider going to Al Anon. It can be a great help for those who are either living with a drinking alcoholic or who want to provide support for a recovering one.

Best of luck to you both.