To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

[ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick]

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

I just cant understand how you think he is going to go on a Stag with a large group of lads, all up for boozing and seeing strippers - and not drink. Its delusional.

You sound like hard work - and you sound controlling. If he wants to drink on a stag do, it's not your place to tell him he cant. If he starts hitting the bottle every night, then you have a leg to stand on, but it sounds like he now only has rare nights out so I don't see how you think you can tell him not to drink at all.
Same with the strip club. He's going to look like a right henpecked fool if he has to back out because his wife is too needy to allow him to enter a strip club with his mates.

Yeah you are being unreasonable to try to control him.

The drinking sounds like it used to be a problem but isn't really now. He'll obviously drink on a stag night out.

Hello OP. I am married to a recovering addict. I can tell you now that regardless of any reasons, if he was to pick up a drink again I would leave and not look back.

You cannot control someone's drink problem. You can not dictate what they can and can't drink. They have to do all of that for themselves and if they can't beat their addiction, you leave. No ifs, buts or maybes.

Wether it was a long time ago or last week, an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. A big bottle of rum a day is most definitely an alcoholic and he will now always be an alcoholic. It's his choice if he is an active one or a recovering one however.

Ultimatums don't work either. You may want to, to make him think twice, but an addict will drink anyways. Unfortunately for many addicts, losing their wife and children is not their rock bottom.

The drinking will creep up again, more and more.

*You're being massively controlling.

He drank heavily when he was 21. Show me any 21 year old that doesn't get pissed a lot. *

Wtf? Are people purposely misreading everything said in this thread?
No, not all 21 year old's drink to the point they cheat on their partner, threaten self -harm and lose their job.

For christ's fucking sake...

I wasn’t being sarky, I was being blunt because it’s the truth...you can’t issue rules and commands to adults who have autonomy. They will do what they like, regardless, then they’ll lie about it to save themselves hassle. A dog would just obey.

I know a lot of the others have said it but I'd say he doesn't go I have very similar history with my partner

He's promised not to drink it's been a three year struggle of me accusing and etc but he would never even suggest going on a stag as he knows what it entails what do you really think he would sit there twiddling his thumbs and go for a kebab whilst the others are mocking him for being under the thumb

He will join In all activities and it will be worse in the long run

Give him an ultimatum now and don't put yourself threw it

I also draw my line at strip clubs why would you go to watch other women dance naked to celebrate getting married makes no sense to me

My DH was already an alcoholic when he was 20. Drinking a big bottle of rum a night is not normal drinking even for a young lad.

When you have lived with an alcoholic, you will ALWAYS be scared they will relapse and go back to how they were. Trying to control drinking of an alcoholic partner is just fear at going back to those horrible days of active alcoholism.

So, this was a man who drank a bottle of rum a night, who choked in his sleep who threatened to harm himself had an affair, and the OP is the unreasonable one because she should know what 21 year old men are like? and people wonder why we have such an awful drinking culture in the UK? Perhaps they need to start by wondering how this level of alcoholism is perceived as being perfectly normal and just what 21 year old men do, and that anyone who judges that is the controlling one...? Jesus.

Op have you had any support for,yourself with his addiction issues?

@FlexTimeCheekyFucker completely agree

you can’t issue rules and commands to adults who have autonomy.

But in any decent relationship, you can set boundaries. Where they lay is up to the couple - which may not be the same boundaries that you would set.

He's an addict. No amount of threats will stop him. He'll do it, be ever so remorseful and you'll have to choose whether you forgive him or not.

He is an alcoholic. you might as well face up to the reality that he will ALWAYS put alcohol first, before you, your marriage, your child.

Your life. Your choice. Your move.

Brazenhussy This was NINE years ago. How many years is he to pay penance for? He's now a family man in his 30's,who doesn't drink to excess, doesn't self harm, doesn't cheat.....one would assume, or Op wouldn't be trying to get pregnant again with him....at what point does he get forgiven and treated like an adult?

I agree with you Husky and admittedly I find this idea of being held under the thumb and kept on a tight leash forever more like some sort of rolling penance, rather distasteful.

Huskylover1 for the rest of his life. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And no, drinking a bottle of rum a night is not normal 21 year old behaviour.

But once an alcoholic stops drinking he never drinks again. Ever. Not special occasions, not family weddings, not stag do’s. never, ever again

Twist that statement around. A bloke says to his wife/gf. He'd rather she didn't go on a hen night.
He'd be called a bullying control freak

Only is you twist the entire thing, and not just conveniently the bit that makes her looks unreasonable.

The wife has a serious alcohol problem that changes her personality for the worse - she cheated on him, she threatened suicide, lost her job, said awful things. He knows she will get paralytic in the hen night and potentially try to shag someone or otherwise get into trouble. is he a bullying control freak to not want that to happen? Because that's what we're talking about here.

*If not is

It's not about forgiving @Brazenhussy0. Her DH is on a slippery slope. Many alcoholics make the mistake of thinking it's been years so they try to drink in moderation and either they relapse straight away and go on a bender, or gradually the drinking increases and increases until it's back to where it was or worse.

If that’s the case, the slippery slope, she’s already fucked because she gave the ultimatum and didn’t follow through.

Swear this exact post comes up monthly.

Whilst I can appreciate the reasons for your ultimatums regarding the stag do I also think they are utterly ridiculous, as others have said there is no way he's going to drink water & piss off home when they all go to the strip club.
It's arranged & paid for so not going isn't an option. No point now tying yourself in knots over what he may or may not do, sorry.

pictish I agree. I would hate my DH to monitor my every move, like the Fun Police. It would most likely push me in to the arms of someone else, tbh.

You sound like hard work - and you sound controlling
No she doesn't.
She sounds like someone who is in a relationship with an addict, has seen them going back to their addiction and because that substance is socially acceptable she is worried about him being in a situation where he will relapse.

Turn it around:
My wife has had an alcohol problem. In thr past she has been horrible and a danger to herself under the influence. She's worked hard to turn it around but recently i've noticed odd drinks creeping in. I'm not saying anything. She is a grown woman after all and it's mainly special occasions. The thing is she has been invited on a party weekend with the girls and drinking is going to form a large part of thr weekend. I'd like to say that she'll focus on her sobriety but you know how hard it can be if she's the only one not drinking excessively. I don't want to tell her not to go, but do want to speak to her about her alcohol.