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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him he is not to drink on the stag...

248 replies

ShitOnMyEndOfTheStick · 02/03/2018 13:01

Have NC as it's going to be outing and this is long as there is a big back story so bare with me!

Been with DH for 9 years, married for 7, have a 3 year old together and currently trying for 2nd.

He has had a problem with alcohol. When we first got together we were young - 21 and 22 and he was drinking a lot, it got so bad that he was drinking a full big bottle of rum a night. He was sick and choked in his sleep, he held a knife to his wrist saying he was awful, he cheated on me once and he would say awful things.
It came to a head when he lost a job because he turned up drunk... (this was when we had been together for about a year)

I gave him an ultimatum and said you quit drinking or I leave you.

He quit drinking for 4 years, had not touched a drop and became a really lovely husband and father.

Then the odd pint or glass of wine started to sneak in on special occasions. I said at the time that I did not want it to get as bad as it was & it was to stick to special occasions.

Very gradually it got more here and there on nights out.

In the past 6 months, he has been on 3 drunken nights out with his friend who is getting married in a few months time. I was beyond stressed on these nights and I have anxiety anyway as it is.

This friend is having a 3 night / 4 day stag in a couple of months with about 15 of them going and sharing 2 rooms between the lot of them.
There is someone going who is the biggest prick in the world (huge backstory to that - a whole other thread!) and I seriously would not put it past him to encourage DH to cheat / spike DH drinks!

They are already talking about pranks and strip clubs.

I have told DH two things...

Firstly he is not to drink at all and if I find out that he has (there will be plenty of photos / videos shared by the others going) then I will leave him.

Secondly if he goes in a strip club I will leave him because (I know some of you may disagree but this is where MY line is) as far as I'm concerned it's as good as cheating if he's going to get enjoyment from watching naked women that aren't his wife and he has said he doesn't want to but...

I want him to have some balls and tell them he's going for a kebab or something if they want to go in a strip club but he is somewhat likely to bend under peer pressure, especially if he's drinking.

AIBU with my two demands?

This stag has been planned for 18 months and I am starting to feel like this so called 'celebration' of someone else getting married could be the end of my own marriage.

OP posts:
RLOU88 · 02/03/2018 13:23

I know what you are saying, I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

ohfourfoxache · 02/03/2018 13:23

Totally agree - he will drink and, when he does, he’ll go to the strip club (I’ve got the same boundaries)

Do you think he knows you’re serious?

specialsubject · 02/03/2018 13:23

He's sliding back into the bottle. A three day saddo fest is bad enough, but with his history it is a no .

He chooses now - family or booze. And for Pete's sake stop trying for a baby until you are certain of his choice. Dont let him take more people down with him.

Greensleeves · 02/03/2018 13:24

I think banning him from drinking at all on what is going to be a very laddish and boorish 4 day stag is unrealistic, although I think your reasoning is sound and he does sound at risk of alcoholism.

On the strip club thing...well, I wouldn't be attached to or having children with a man who would even consider going into one. So coupled with the alcohol restriction which he is going to break if he goes, I think you should be planning your exit strategy and life as a single mum Sad

RoadToRivendell · 02/03/2018 13:24

I'm a big proponent of making a relationship work once there's a child in the mix, but you need to consider the possibility that you're married to an addict and this marriage is non-viable.

Please do yourself a favour and immediately halt baby plans.

TriHard27 · 02/03/2018 13:25

This sounds so difficult for you but I can only echo what others have said. He’s an adult, if he is going to do these things then that is his decision. Any sway you have with him will disappear as soon as he steps into that plane and is in that immature, laddish environment. I would just plan something lovely for yourself while he is away and try and distract yourself from thinking about it. When he gets back you can decide what to do from there. It’s awful feeling so out of control of something which is potentially life changing for you but he has to make his own mistakes if he is going to. Equally you don’t have to accept it if he does decide to behave badly. For all your sakes I hope he has changed.

ChaosNeverRains · 02/03/2018 13:26

Your husband is an alcoholic. There’s no point in dressing it up, anyone who drinks a bottle of rum in one night is an alcoholic.

And when someone is an alcoholic there’s no “just one on special occasions,” you either drink, or you don’t.

Reality is that you can’t stop him from drinking, he has to make that decision for himself. But you can choose how much of a part he plays in your life, and as such if he is insistent on going to this stag do I would be getting my ducks in a row to leave.

He will never change. He clearly doesn’t want to change if he’s not capable of not drinking. But you’re capable of not putting up with it.

And you certainly shouldn’t be looking to have more children with him.

Skarossinkplunger · 02/03/2018 13:28

Leave now. The minute you feel like you have to impose rules and make threats to the person you love it’s over.

RoadToRivendell · 02/03/2018 13:28

If he gets wasted though I'm not going to stay with him. I will just have to see how it goes.

Look, I'm a little bit in your shoes. My husband drinks too much. I understand completely where you are.

I think you should tell your husband that you're not interested in controlling his drinking, but that if he drops himself into a situation where he's bound to drink too much, you'll understand much better what his priorities are.

You getting upset about the stag do is just more of his background noise.

Janel85 · 02/03/2018 13:28

If he values your relationship at all he will cancel

Brazenhussy0 · 02/03/2018 13:30

Yanbu, at all. He has history for being reckless and having problems with alcohol.
If he had any sense he’d be skipping the stag do altogether… but clearly he doesn’t have as much sense as he’s been making out for the past few years.

I would feel the same way in your situation, OP. I’d also be taking the line of ‘you can do what you want, but if X happens then I will be leaving this relationship.’

Which, honestly, might be for the best. He obviously hasn’t realised how damaging his past behaviour really was and hasn’t made an appropriate mind-set change to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t make yourself his minder. He’s an adult and you don’t need the stress of monitoring him.

rothbury · 02/03/2018 13:30

I agree with PP

If he goes he will go to strip clubs and he will get very drunk. If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to say it is and mean it.

I can't understand why you are trying for another baby with him.

You say you think his friend may "encourage him to cheat" You obviously don't trust him at all if you think he would do this.

I would say this relationship has run it's course.

Quartz2208 · 02/03/2018 13:31

He was an alcoholic who now believes he can drink in moderation and is rapidly I think going down the road where he believes he can

Of course you can go on a stag do and not drink its exactly that thinking that has turned his head down the path of alcohol

Truthfully no amount of ultimatium is going to help he will either not drink of his own accord of he wont. And I think you have to accept that his sobriety is over and he is starting down the path of drinking again. If it were not this stag do it would be something else because he has started drinking again and it will not stop unless he wants to.

So really the only question is what do YOU want to do

Electricgobblers · 02/03/2018 13:31

You are setting lines in the sand you know he’s going to cross. You’d be better to leave this is no way to life the rest of your life.

BackforGood · 02/03/2018 13:31

15 young lads in 2 rooms for a 3 night stag do.

It's not going to work with him going along and then not drinking anything and not going along to whichever bars / strip clubs they go to.

I understand why you don't want him to drink / don't want him to go to a strip bar, but the solution to that is to not go on the weekend. It really isn't going to happen that he goes with them then sits in a reads his book with a cup of tea.

Mrsmadevans · 02/03/2018 13:33

I think you should be prepared for the worst and that there is not a lot you can do about this imho. Unless you want it to cause friction/make a fool of you and him with his mates, then you can't really do a lot l imagine. I hope l am wrong in what say but your DH is an adult now and has to take responsibility for his own actions. If your marriage really is at risk from this then it is on very thin ice. I am so sorry OP, Good Luck
my dear.

upsideup · 02/03/2018 13:34

My husband is an alcoholic, in a few weeks he will not have had a drink for 10 years. He has gone on many stag nights and not had a drop of alcohol, so all the people saying that its impossible are wrong. A man is perfectly capable of seeing the damage his behaviour is not only doing to him but to his family and children and putting a stop to it, them again he can choose not to, its very clear from your OP that your husband has an alcohol problem. Make your feelings clear to him and let him decide what he is going to do.
The strip club on a stag do I would have no problem with, so would lean to say YABU on that but we all have our own lines so again you need to make your feelings clear and let him make the choice.

pictish · 02/03/2018 13:34

I can understand your stance but like others have said, there’s no way that you’re realistically going to be able to insist he does your bidding.
In my opinion these incidences happened a long time ago...I’m not sure it’s right he ought to be under the thumb because of them all these years later.
If you want obedience, get a dog. Your dh is a person and has autonomy I’m afraid.

Electricgobblers · 02/03/2018 13:35

I definitely wouldn’t be trying for no2 with him if I was you.

Good luck.

If I was you I’d be having a long hard think.

Missingstreetlife · 02/03/2018 13:35

He's an alcoholic, he needs to go to aa. You can contact alanon for support.
Also a promise is a comfort to a fool.

Unfinishedkitchen · 02/03/2018 13:36

Please do not bring another child into the mix, it will be too hard on you and existing child.

RoadToRivendell · 02/03/2018 13:38

My husband is an alcoholic, in a few weeks he will not have had a drink for 10 years. He has gone on many stag nights and not had a drop of alcohol, so all the people saying that its impossible are wrong.

It doesn't take a huge leap to see that stag dos, while very possible for recovering alcoholics, would be sensibly deferred until sobriety is sufficiently robust.

Obviously.

Brazenhussy0 · 02/03/2018 13:39

In my opinion these incidences happened a long time ago...I’m not sure it’s right he ought to be under the thumb because of them all these years later.
If you want obedience, get a dog. Your dh is a person and has autonomy I’m afraid.

What utter nonsense. Her DH is a borderline alcoholic. I'm guessing you have precisely zero experience with addicts and their destructive behaviour? It's hardly a small misdemeanour that he's being beaten about the head with for years.

ChaosNeverRains · 02/03/2018 13:40

Of course you can go on a stag do and not drink its exactly that thinking that has turned his head down the path of alcohol it absolutely is possible. But the fact that he has started to want to have a pint here a glass of wine there, at special occasions is a clear indication that he doesn’t have that kind of resistance. If you genuinely don’t want to drink then that is entirely possible and no amount of peer pressure would or should be able to change that. So the reality you need to face up to is that he actually does want to drink.

RLOU88 · 02/03/2018 13:41

15 of them in only two rooms too- that’s going to be really hard to separate from if he does want to have an easier night or avoid the stripclub and call it an evening. Any chance he can get his own room?

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