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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

287 replies

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:17

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:20

Omg should read ‘any’😂

OP posts:
Justanothernap · 01/03/2018 18:21

I think you're going to get a roasting for this OP.

Honestly if your friend needs to withdraw for a bit I think you should try to be understanding.

MadMags · 01/03/2018 18:22

Wow.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 18:22

Has she ever actually done/said anything to 'make you feel bad for having kids', or is that you projecting?

How many invitations have you sent which she had declined?

Can't believe people are actually measuring friendship in Instagram likes.

Original poster
AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:23

thank you. I know I’m being U but I just feel like it will be a bit hypocritical to suddenly start showering her baby with attention one day.

OP posts:
ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 18:23

Don't worry, you won't want to. Other people's children are not terribly interesting.

ApplesTheHare · 01/03/2018 18:23

4 years of TTC sounds totally dire in itself, let alone with treatments and surgery on top.

Give your friend a break because by your own admission you have absolutely no idea of what she's going through.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 18:24

Except for all my friends' and family's kids, they're fascinating, honest!

Original poster
AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:24

Oh god no. I’m keeping track but she does comment on insta so I feel like it’s deliberate.

I try to keep it open and say I would love to see her and to let me know if she fancies some company.

She’s never said anything explicitly but we used to be very close.

OP posts:
MadMags · 01/03/2018 18:25

No, it wouldn’t be hypocritical to pay attention to a baby. But you’re under no obligation to. Hmm

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/03/2018 18:25

You are assuming she will have a baby one day. She is not assuming that, which makes it difficult for her to be enthusiastic about other people's babies.

I think you need to reflect on her situation a bit more.

Namechangetempissue · 01/03/2018 18:26

YABU. You have no idea how shit infertility is or how awful and depressed it can make you. The hurt is very real. "Can't be too dire" makes you sound a total arsehole.

Beachmummy23 · 01/03/2018 18:26

I had 5 years of infertility and 9 miscarriages. It is hell!!! Luckily none of my friends are like you and all were thrilled when I finally got my daughter. Your friends hormones are all over the place. She will also in all likelihood be very lonely. No one wants to talk about infertility.

Timpani · 01/03/2018 18:26

Unless you've lived through infertility you do not have a clue. She probably can't bring herself to like any of your posts because they will be a constant reminder that she might never ever have that. Doesn't matter how good the rest of her life is, that's of no relevance. It is not about how you feel at all, can't you see that? She's not doing it to hurt you. She won't be able to see beyond her own pain. Cut her some slack, be there for her. Maybe show some interest in her treatment or ask if she wants to talk about it. Maybe then she will open up and be able to explain, not that she needs to. And you shouldnt need her reassurance in the form of likes. She texts and asks how you all are. That's enough.

NSEA · 01/03/2018 18:27

If you calue your friendship it wouldn’t be hypocritical because this isn’t about you.
Maybe it isn’t even about you and the kids.

I think you need to start being a friend that she needs and not a friend that you want.

Spam88 · 01/03/2018 18:27

Can't be too dire? Jesus OP.

ScreamingLevitation · 01/03/2018 18:27

What do you talk about apart from your kids?

Btw, for a lot of people, "we must catch up soon!" is an empty platitude that means the opposite of what it says. It's not an invitation unless it includes a time and a place.

Bambamber · 01/03/2018 18:28

Sounds like shes had a lucky escape if you're not as close anymore

OwlinaTree · 01/03/2018 18:28

Sometimes it's just really hard to cope with looking at happy families when you are having difficulties TTC. To the outside world she might look like she's got a fab life. To her and her DH it probably feels very different at the moment.

I'd just leave her be tbh. Treat her the same as ever but maybe take her lead on this and suggest meeting without the kids for a bit etc.

Justwaitingforaline · 01/03/2018 18:28

So in the 4 years you have had two children and she’s been unsuccessful and through treatment, now starting IVF?

YABU OP. You cannot possibly begin to imagine how heartbreaking infertility is and how much it affects a persons mental health. It’s draining, all consuming and something I would never wish on anyone.

Thistlebelle · 01/03/2018 18:29

You don’t actually seem to have any particular evidence that the friendship has drifted due to her fertility problems.

Friendships lapse all the time.

Original poster
AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:29

OH I didn’t mean she hasn’t suffered, I just mean she hasn’t had ivf yet (I don’t think) so I assume her situation can’t be too much of a write off. Let me say I hope more than anything that she gets her baby but I’m sure she wil because she’s only 33 which I understand makes your chances a bit better. I certainly hope so. I didn’t mean she has t suffered because she hasn’t had ivf yet

OP posts:
Mookie81 · 01/03/2018 18:30

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GruffaloPants · 01/03/2018 18:30

Seriously? OK then.

It's not all about you.

Other peoples' kids are pretty boring. I mean, I don't show huge amounts of interest in kids that I haven't given birth to, and neither do my friends.

Your friend has been struggling for 4 years. Cut her some slack if she doesn't fawn over your kids' science projects or whatever

taratill · 01/03/2018 18:31

Oh OP how old are your kids?

Unfortunately they are just not that interesting to other people as pp have stated.

I feel sorry for your friend. Given how proud you are of your kids you must surely understand how difficult it can be to be around people with children if you desperately want to have them?

It's up to you how you treat her baby (if she is successful in conceiving through IVF) but it's pretty immature and selfish to take the attitude of disinterest based on her current situation.

And do you really judge friendship on likes of pics of your kids on instagram??????