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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

287 replies

AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:17

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 01/03/2018 18:31

Gosh.

Have you tried making more concrete plans? Actually inviting her to do something with you? Say something you both used to do or enjoy together pre-kids? The examples you gave were a bit vague and non-committal.

Stop tracking the instagram stuff. Seriously.

And try to be more understanding if she does need to withdraw to protect her emotional health. You're worrying that you won't be able to genuinely like her instagram posts of the kids she doesn't yet have. She's worrying she's never going to have kids.

Perspective is key.

Instagram is not real life.

irritableirritant · 01/03/2018 18:31

I get what you're saying OP.
You've essentially lost a friend who you were very close too and it hurts.
I'm sure your friend is also hurting going through the stress and heartbreak of TTC and so much so that it has consumed her relationships with other people in her life.
Be there for her when/if she does come out the other end of her journey and she will realise what a valuable friend she has in you.

CandyMelts · 01/03/2018 18:31

God I hope this is a troll thread. You have the sensitivity of a gnat.

MadMags · 01/03/2018 18:32

If your kids are anything like you, she’s sensibly giving them a wide berth.

Counting insta likes is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read on here. Seriously.

Amummyatlast · 01/03/2018 18:32

I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids.

Erm, it's 'if' not 'when'. IVF does not guarantee a pregnancy, let alone a baby.

Thistlebelle · 01/03/2018 18:33

Your last post is really quite irritating.

Go a do some checking on the stats for IVF. It’s only about 30% success rate. It could be worse depending on her issues.

70% of IVF attempts don’t work.

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/03/2018 18:33

Yep YABU. Be there for her if she wants or leave her alone without rancour. This is the course of her whole life potentially going in a very differently direction to everything she ever imagined it would. You can’t begin to imagine how she feels.

MollyHuaCha · 01/03/2018 18:33

You need to pop yourself into her shoes and try to think her thoughts.

I think she must be hurting very badly and feel terribly sad.

She needs you to be extra kind to her.

Patienceisvirtuous · 01/03/2018 18:35

This is a perfect example of how shit infertility is and why people going through it feel like no one ‘gets’ it (except others in their boat).

Your bad OP.

Thedogsmells · 01/03/2018 18:35

I would very much hope that you would be thrilled when/if she finally conceives, and see it for the miracle it is.

Arapaima · 01/03/2018 18:36

OP, you come across as really insensitive here. Your friend is going through hell and you’ve made it all about you.

Original poster
AllThePlants · 01/03/2018 18:37

My kids are nearly 4 and 2years.

I didn’t realise IVF was that likely to fail, so I appreciate that information.

I dearly love her, it’s hard to articulate how I feel without coming across as vile. I’m really not. I want the best for her

OP posts:
Farmerswife36 · 01/03/2018 18:37

What a horrible friend you sound ! I wish your friend well and I hope she has decent friends who offer her support

formerbabe · 01/03/2018 18:37

Ok I might get flamed for this but...

I don't understand why infertility is treated so differently to other upsetting life events.

For example, my parents are dead. I still see friends whose parents are alive. I still enquire as to how they are doing?

I have single (not by choice) friends, they still enquire after their friends partners/husbands.

Please don't throw things at me, but I don't get why the op is getting a hard time and being described as insensitive.

Chattycat78 · 01/03/2018 18:37

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. Infertility is horrendous. Think yourself unbelievably lucky that you’ve never had to Face the prospect of no biological children. And you can’t possibly assume she will have a baby. That’s part of the issue with infertility- it’s a road with no clear end and possibly no positive outcome. Ivf success rates are also very low- much lower than people who have been lucky enough to never experience it- will ever realise.

Sarsparella · 01/03/2018 18:37

You sound incredibly selfish and wrapped up in your own world that’s full of babies that arrive so easily without a care in the world

Just because she hadn’t had ivf yet doesn’t mean she’s not having the most awful time and you clearly aren’t even attempting to understand

If I were her I’d delete your smug Instagram and then delete your insensitive gloating from my life

Roomba · 01/03/2018 18:38

IVF wouldn't even have been an option until the surgeries were done, I imagine! It's not like she has waited this long to start IVF because she wasn't overly bothered about doing it, or something! It could very well be that attempting IVF before this point would have been utterly useless with 0% chance of success. It only has a 30% chance anyway, IIRC.

Sashkin · 01/03/2018 18:39

I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken

I had three miscarriages in two years, one of which was a second trimester miscarriage (so you have to go through induction and labour). But I guess if I didn’t have IVF, that can’t have been as dire as I remember Angry

Namechangetempissue · 01/03/2018 18:39

Are you joking formerbabe? Shock
You honestly think those situations are comparable and can't see that the OP is insensitive?!

ShakeTheDisease · 01/03/2018 18:39

You can be advised not to try for a child while undergoing other medical treatment or, for example, waiting for surgery. Do you know for sure her treatments have been for infertility, and not that she's had the double whammy of receiving treatment for a medical problem that has also delayed her being able to start IVF?

Itmakesthereaderreadon · 01/03/2018 18:40

Infertility is treated differently because it feels unnatural. I was lucky to conceive my dc, but I definitely felt quite desperate in the Mon th hs-and that's all it was- where I didn't get pregnant.

AnUtterIdiot · 01/03/2018 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pasturesgreen · 01/03/2018 18:43

Echoing what everyone else is saying, you sound like and Insta-bore and not much of friend, tbh.

Lots of people don't give a flying fuck really care so very much about other people's children, so the odd 'How are you all?' sounds reasonable. Given her fertility issues I'd cut her lots and lots of slack.

Amummyatlast · 01/03/2018 18:43

With respect formerbabe, everyone expects their parents to die at some point. It's a normal if upsetting part of life. Having children is also an expected, normal part of life. And to find that you can't participate I the normal part of life is hugely upsetting for most. It will affect your whole future - no celebrating the first day of school, pretending Santa and the Easter bunny exist, exam results, graduation, engagement, weddings, grandchildren, etc. The things that we expect to punctuate our life as we get older as suddenly missing and you are not sure what will replace it. And to see that other people are enjoying that normal part of life when you cannot is bewildering and heartbreaking.

BangBangPurple · 01/03/2018 18:43

You seem to have very little sympathy really. Saying it can't be that bad or she would have had IVF by now? And that she isn't willing to adopt - as if that's a perfect alternative and not something completely different to having a birth child? Maybe it's your lack of tact that she's picked up on and has made her withdraw.

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