To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

Because adoption isn’t a replacement for pregnancy. It’s a personal choice and not to be entered into lightly. You appear to know nothing about either.

Most people who say “why don’t you just adopt” know fuck all either about infertility or the adoption system.

OP I had miscarriages and issues conceiving, I had to unfollow friends who had young babies or were pregnant as it felt like I was getting reminded constantly of my failure and my bodies failure.

I needed to do that for my own peace of mind, I never knew when I'd have been able to cope and when a photo would have reduced me to tears.

And you think that nothing could have been too bad in the FOUR YEARS she's been trying??? You've no idea OP, I didn't talk to many people about my journey as when I tried they just didn't get it. I knew the odds but found others minimised them or told me everything would be ok when there was a significant chance they wouldn't and it's not something a bit of "positive thought" would fix. I felt like screaming every time I was told to look on the brightside!

You sound pretty self involved OP, I hope she's got some real friends to offer support through her ivf, it's one of the toughest things I've ever been through.

I didn't mention the words "just adopt'. I implied it is an option ops friend could consider.

I wouldn’t get too wound up by a recent poster’s comments on this thread, folks. Seems to like being confrontational...

I've been through it. I will never have a child.

I remember when it seemed like everyone was pregnant and every TV advert was for nappies and I was so very sad all the time. I didn't feel like an outsider or less of a woman though. I also didn't expect my friends to not share things about their pregnancies or children with me. I didn't expect them to think it was okay if I distanced myself or didn't seem interested in them or their lives. Their having children easily bore no reflection on my own inability to.

I am now also unlikely to have a partner again. So childless and not loved by a partner. I know what's worse for me and it's the lack of a partner.

No-one would think they should be sensitive around me when talking about their partner or think it would be reasonable for me to distance myself as they are in a happy relationship and I'm not.

We don't always get what we want or need. Other people get what we want and it feels unfair. Life is shit sometimes and it hurts. But the abuse the OP has had is completely uncalled for.

How do you think adoptions happen babyspider? Do you think people just turn up and get a baby?

Hardly any babies are adopted. Only about 60 per year in the entire country. And adoption is no longer viewed as a solution for childless people and is instead viewed as an exercise to get the child the best home possible. So babies are therefore usually adopted by people who already have children and are experienced parents.

The remaining older children up for adoption have had awful lives and have very profound problems. There are huge dangers involved in placing children with those problems in a home where infertility is an issue as there can be deep problems associated with a child’s feeling of being second best and the parents difficulties with not having a perfect little baby of their own and having to deal with the fallout of a person who had exactly that but abused their perfect little baby.

Adoption simply isn’t available or appropriate for most childless people.

And quite frankly people who are so dim they know so little about this they think ‘just adopt’ is either possible or advisable for childless people probably shouldn’t be commenting on something they clearly know zip about.

I just don't get it. If someone is desparate for a baby. Why won't she consider adoption. If IVF isn't successful. I certainly would.
I'm sorry it's how I feel

What you're actually saying

"I know you've said you want a child by the usual way, who is securely attached, and genetically yours, but here I will guilt trip you into justifying why you don't want to parent a traumatised child, and not only not get the family you've dreamed of, but have a completely different life of difficulties."

It's totally out of order to suggest adopting to someone longing for a birth child, as adopting is not having a birth child. It's a valid and wonderful way to become a parent. But it isn't having a birth child. It's not fair on the parents or the child to perpetuate the myth that adopting is easy, always sucessful, or anything like having a birth child.

Most parents wouldnt get approved to adopt their own children

Reasons you could well be rejected as an adopter

• self employed
• you have debt
• not enough bedrooms
• no outside space
• not enough family close by
• any medical issues
• any marital issues in the past
• any previous mental health issues
• both parents work
• not the right ethnicity

You do realise also that you can't adopt a baby? And that you have to be equipped to take on a child with severe attachment disorder and / or behavioural & developmental issues?

You win infertility bingo with the 'why don't you just adopt' comment.

Cross post with @Eltonjohnssyrup

My friend is going through the adoption process

Most of the couples in her cohort have either been rejected or have withdrawn from the process as it's just too gruelling

And that's before even getting to panel

Yep. Or renting. Or having smoked in the past. Or having an older partner. Or having pets.

Has OP disappeared?

Most probably checking instagram for likes and comments on her dc's playing in the snow no doubt.

And FFS! There is a massive global gulf between adoption and having your own bio kids. So that isn't a 'solution'.

Yep, banana. I’ve worked on projects with SS. I remember one of the SWs telling me how absolutely horrible they were to people during the interview process and how they entirely dismantled their personalities but that they had to do it because they had to test their commitment to the process. And that their adoptive child may well do exactly the same to them if they adopted and they need to be able to cope.

The idea that people just waltz in to SS and waltz out with a lovely little baby is so far removed from reality it’s incredible.

And the people who say ‘just adopt’ have never taken their own advice because they were somehow quite keen to have their own bio children despite their own protestations they can’t understand why people want their own bio child. Funny that...

@Awwlookatmybabyspider did you get pregnant because you wanted attention?

Lots of harsh posts!!

I have good friends who have been through years of IVF - although they must have found it very hard seeing other people get pregnant and have kids all of them still took an interest.

I think it's pretty self centred and rude to never even enquire after a supposedly 'good friends' family!

And that's coming from someone who has struggled in having a child herself too.

I think it's pretty self centred and rude to never even enquire after a supposedly 'good friends' family!

Didn’t you read the op? She texts “how are you all?”

I have good friends who have been through years of IVF - although they must have found it very hard seeing other people get pregnant and have kids all of them still took an interest.

Not everyone is able to cope with tough situations in the same way. Is that really surprising? If you read the infertility board you’ll see it’s really common to find seeing pregnant friends really difficult.

I don’t think you’re being entirely fair here, as you said yourself you have no idea what it’s likely to really struggle to conceive - you don’t really understand what it’s like, and you never really will.
It might be incredibly tough for her to look at pics of her friend’s kids and have that longing.
Maybe try and cut her some slack.

I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

I am speechless.

Do you ever ever ever look at yourself and think - I need to change?

Do you ever ever ever look at yourself and think - I need to change?

Unless it's a change of clothes for a new Facebook or Instagram picture then most likely not.

I have an old friend who, despite multiple IVF cycles hasn’t been able to have a baby. One 12 week miscarriage. Just beyond sad and devastating. She has a sister who has four dc and is frankly quite neglectful and not a great parent.

During the years my dc were growing up I didn’t see much of her tbh. Then when my dc were older we started to meet up again. She is happy to talk about my now adult dc although she doesn’t know them.

Our friendship has survived because I understood she simly couldn’t ‘do’ my dc. I’m glad I didn’t ditch her, not that I ever considered it. Why resent someone who has such a longing for the one thing you were able to achieve with so little effort?

She isn't "making you feel bad for having kids". She just finds it hard when you send her pictures and things like that, because she's having problems conceiving. It's really not that hard to understand.

And your position that "she's not paying any attention to my kids so why should I pay any to hers when she has them?" is pretty despicable. She's not ignoring your children specifically. She finds it hard because she wants one and is afraid that she won't be able to.

You sound incredibly insensitive.

Former babe - people don't often post pictures of their parents on Instagram and FB or turn up to parent groups with their own parents. When you have a baby your life revolves around them and they are with you everywhere you go and everything you do revolves around them. It's totally different to bring around someone who still has parents.

OP I can see from all of your follow up posts that you just don't get it and never will. You seem to lack the ability to truly empathise. I hope your friend has other support around her because I think you wouldn't be much help to her at all.
I don't think you're nasty, just clueless.

When I was going through repeated miscarriages I felt so guilty about distancing myself from other people's pregnancies and children. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant, and I actually now have a lot less sympathy for the fertile person here. One of my closest friends is about to start IVF, and has never acknowledged my pregnancy. This makes me sad - because it's sad that she's in so much pain and I wish I could fix it. It doesn't make me sad for me at all. Every day that I wake up pregnant (I'm obviously still terrified that I'll lose the pregnancy) feels like winning the lottery; I can't imagine how cold-hearted I'd have to be to feel like the person who doesn't have that but wants it should be pandering to my feelings. I used to read the posts whining about an infertile person's sensitivity 'taking the shine off' someone else's pregnancy and think 'well, I don't understand that yet but I'm sure I will if I ever get there'. Now I am there I wonder even more why some women are so narcissistic that they can't just have their own happiness in their own wanted and loved pregnancies, they need everyone around it to celebrate, even those that it hurts.