To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

I totally agree with you @formerbabe.

Formerbabe neither of those things are in any way comparable I’m afraid (although of course I’m not negating the distress of bereavement or loneliness)

Fertility treatment itself is physically very taxing. It also has wild impacts in your hormones.

But even if you aren’t actually undergoing any treatment every single month is a mixture of anticipation and heartbreak.

It impacts your relationship, your sex life, your finances and all sorts of things.

Now I don’t agree that fertility struggles are a carte blanch to behave badly and make everyone else miserable but that’s not what’s happening here, the friend has just stepped back a bit.

No, it’s definitely infertility. She’s been having tablets and injections and once had her husband’s sperm injected by a doctor which I dont think is full blown ivf. What I’m saying is that I am definitely not mistaken that she can’t conceive. She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and I stupidly assumed this was a good thing in that it showed she could get pg. obviously horrific for her but I secretly hoped it was an awful but positive sign

You said in your opening post that "she used to be so supportive". But while she is undergoing stressful and heartbreaking treatment, where have you been? You admit that you haven't asked her, you don't know what treatment is going on, you didn't know about the low IVF success rates (which implies you've not looked into or enquiries about the likely options she has).
All you have noticed about her is the lack of insta 'likes'.

it’s hard to articulate how I feel without coming across as vile. I’m really not.

No, you really are.

Have you shown her much support whilst she's been going through all if this? You say in your post that you "don't ask much". Maybe she feels a bit fed up and that why's she's gone silent.

It took me 7 months to fall pregnant. I know that this isn't long at all. But for those 7 months I was convinced I was pregnant and everytime I did a test I was gutted when it showed that I wasn't. It seemed an age to wait another 4 weeks to be able to do a test and I was obsessed with becoming pregnant- it was all I thought of. So just thinking of how I felt in that short period I can't begin to imagine how your friend must feel. But what I will say is she sounds like she's incredibly strong and hopeful so I think you should reach out and maybe "ask more".

Given their ages how are your kids behaviour OP?

That’s just as likely a reason to step back from a friendship.

OH I didn’t mean she hasn’t suffered, I just mean she hasn’t had ivf yet (I don’t think) so I assume her situation can’t be too much of a write off.

You are really ignorant about what your friend is going through! And infertility in general!!! You don't know what she is going through or why and yet you have the nerve to come here and complain that she doesn't like your photos a enough!!!

I'm hoping this is a wind up thread but if not the fact that you haven't been there for or supported her in anyway I doubt she would want you around if she is successful and has a baby! If it was me the damage would be done and I wouldn't want anything else from you! But if she's a bigger person stop worrying that she doesn't like your Instagram photo!!! And start being there for your friend!!

Get your hands on a book called The Stork Club by Imogen Edwards something. It's a light read (sort of) and quite funny in places and it might mean you understand enough about IVF to have a conversation about it with her, if you are actually interested in what she has/is going through.

We had a 24%?chence of success when we had treatment in our early 30's. That was pretty average I think.

And as to why it's different from bereavement- it's a good question, I've had infertility and experienced one of my parents dying suddenly- i think the difference is that there is slivers of hope with infertility and that can be dreadful over a protracted period of time. It's also something that only a few experience. And to add to it you are pumped full of drugs which can alter your mental state.

Let's hope you didn't boast about your easy conceptions to your friend. You sound as if you have skin as thick as a rhino's hide. Find some friends to mutually gush over pictures of DC;s. But you'll probably find even they are more interested in their own kids than yours.

I didn’t realise IVF was that likely to fail, so I appreciate that information.
really? did you think it worked every time?

i havent had it, but i know people who have, and its fucking hard work

Infertility is harder because thats why we are here, to reproduce

I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster.

No, you really, really don't, and it's no surprise she is keeping you at a distance.

It will affect your whole future - no celebrating the first day of school, pretending Santa and the Easter bunny exist, exam results, graduation, engagement, weddings, grandchildren, etc

Ok, but let's say someone is single and doesn't want to be. There's no first date, no holidays with a significant other, no engagement, no wedding, no marriage, no one to share their home with etc". Would it be seen as reasonable for that person to cut out friends who are coupled up, never ask about a friend's partner or discuss that person's relationship? If they did, everyone on here would describe them as bitter and jealous. I'm not saying infertility isn't heartbreaking but it's also not a get out of jail free card for being a disinterested friend.

You're lacking empathy and minimising her horrible situation, while creating an issue about something as insignificant as social media likes.

In London 10 years ago the waiting list for IVF was 3 years that was after you had all the investigations. Infertility scans are shared with the pregnancy unit and pregnant women were a priority. It took 4 months to get one. Blood tests 2 months in a row then one was mislaid, so 3 months in all. Hysterscopy (day patient investigation under anesthetic) was cancelled 3 times due to staff illness. And

I think you need to support her and it's not easy when your trying for a baby for 4 years it's draining and as a friend you should be there for her and try make time to see her . After having 5 miscarriages myself I can relate to how she must be feeling. Forget about yourself and your likes . Be a good friend. I had two good friends who were there for me and that helped a lot . I do have three healthy Children now . And the same friends are still there .

You’re all assuming I have been deliberately unsupportive! I have sent lots of texts over the past few years saying how I can’t imagine how tough it must be and that I was thinking of her!!! How can I do more? I need to respect her wants to and she clearly doesn’t want to see me so that limits the extent to which I can provide support.

MadMags you really need to calm down. Insulting the OP's kids isn't on

I dearly love her, it’s hard to articulate how I feel without coming across as vile. I’m really not. I want the best for her

Yet you make no effort to talk to her about what's going on in her life! And while
Ignoring one of the biggest things she is going through! Your going to moan she's not supportive of you!!! Ok then!!!

formerbabe - I agree. Sometimes life is hard. DH has had numerous cancer scares, I’ve been told he is going to die on various occasions. We live on a knife edge. That doesn’t stop me being happy for friends who have healthy husbands when something goes well in their lives.

OP - I get what you’re saying.

Maybe she just isn't interested in being your friend anymore? People grow apart all the time. Friendships grow and fade. Maybe it isn't anything to do with the IVF and just different lifestyle choices.

She just has a lot going on. You should try and be more supportive

I don’t know her kids. I don’t even know if she has kids. So I’m not insulting them.

For all I know she’s a single, childless troll who gets her kicks this way!

As for calm down, how odd I’m perfectly calm.

AllThePlants
She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids.

You seem very self absorbed.