To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

@IfNot your friend sounds lovely and is there for support despite her struggles.
It sounds like the OPs friend isn't there because of her struggles with IVF.
This does not make the OP a monster for missing her friend as the majority of posters are making out.

Not sure why I'd want to show compassion to this OP

I absolutely don’t think infertility is a get out of jail free card.

I spent years going to visit new babies, Christenings and kids birthday parties with a smile plastered on my face never saying a word.

I don’t think you need to do more OP I think you need to take a lead from her.

Invite her to go to the movies with you or go for a meal. Don’t expect her to be desperate to babysit or spend time with your D.C.

If she declines fair enough.

I will say I suspect that some of the opinions you’ve expressed here may account for the pulling back.

I appreciate it’s not deliberate on your part but some of these views are really less that sensitive and fairly ill informed.

You know what you should do, OP? Try and be vaguely understanding.

I'm in the same situation with my oldest friend, only she is a few more years down the road and is facing the almost certain possibility she won't have kids. I have had two easily.

You write her a letter, you tell her that you love her, you miss her, but you completely understand if she doesn't want to spend time with you for whatever reason at the moment, and that when she is ready you will still be there for her just as you used to be.

She may find it hard for years to be around small children. If you want to keep her friendship then you support her and you don't expect anything from her while she is going through this.

Oh and McDougal yes there are quite a lot of people who think that IVF equals automatic baby, sadly including my MIL.

@coffeemugged she's posting because she's missing her friend. If you are able to give the perspective of someone who's going through IVF and give some insight on why her friend is behaving the way she is then perhaps that would be more constructive. Otherwise it's just abusive.

If op had posted "my friend is having major fertility issues while I've been lucky to have 2 children relatively easily. I understand this must be hard for her, but I feel she's retreating from me and I miss her" she's have got a different response

Instead she effectively posted "she's got poor fertility but it can't be THAT bad cos she's not EVEN had Ivf yet, and she's no longer stroking my ego like she used to or making a fuss of my kids on social media"

She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago

So around the time your younger child was born - and I suspect she knows both your children were easily conceived - she lost hers after two years of trying. She has had nothing since.

Can you see how the timings may be making this just too painful for her? That baby would be doing all the things your younger child is doing now. It is possible that your photographs and comments of your child reminds her too much of the one she lost, given they would be the same age.

In your place, I would let her go. Either she is unable to cope with your friendship right now, or she just no longer wants to be friends. Whether you want to be there in future should she come back is your choice. I agree that infertility, whilst horrendous, is not a pass to drop all your friends and expect them to be waiting afterwards.

That said, I am gobsmacked at some of your comments. They are just crashingly insensitive, and given that, I also wonder if you told her your second child was easily conceived. It took me years and several losses to have children; a friend of mine who knew once boasted to me about how easily she conceived while I was going through it. She was the only friend I moved away from in that time. Not because of my struggle to have kids, but because she showed she was an insensitive bitch.

Your poor friend. We were really lucky to conceive after just under a year of trying each time - we were very selective with what we posted on social media because we knew some friends were going through infertility struggles. Obviously we are happy we have kids but we are really aware that not everyone is so lucky.

What should you do? You should give her space. She IS asking how you all are. I’d reply ‘Not bad. How are you? I haven’t spoken for ages and I miss you - would you fancy a coffee one day?’ And go WITHOUT the kids. Reconnect as friends. Ask sensitively how she’s doing and take the lead from her - if she doesn’t want to talk don’t push it. If she does, listen. Don’t talk about your kids when you meet. Listen to her.

Infertility is a horrible cruel thing to experience. Your friend is going through a rough time mentally AND physically.

I don't think infertility is a free pass but the op hasn't actually given any examples of what her friend has done apart from as she admits the wrongly mentioned instagram likes and drifting away.

The op has shown she is very ignorant about the realities of fertility treatment! If you really want to be a good friend keep in touch not just about TTC or your own children but all things and do some research on what fertility treatment can involve that way you might understand more where she is coming from and be able to better support her if she wants.

I understand what you are saying but you are more than your kids aren't you? You are a person too so not liking your kid photos is nothing to do with your relationship, its social media FFs.

I would invite her to do something with you, maybe an activity you can do together as a reminder of why you are friends and re-establish the connection.

I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF

WOW

YABVU and FYI are a shit friend

"Can you see how the timings may be making this just too painful for her? That baby would be doing all the things your younger child is doing now. It is possible that your photographs and comments of your child reminds her too much of the one she lost, given they would be the same age."

Exactly! One of my friends that was pregnant same approx time as me, her child was born on my due date, pure coincidence but incredibly hard to deal with. Has become somewhat easier as the years have passed but sometimes it's a bit more difficult again. Eg this year her child will be turning 18 which is of course a milestone birthday. I already know that will be a somewhat tricky day for me.

I will still of course wish her child birthday greetings etc and I don't mention it to my friend it's just in my mind.

18 years and it still affects me, and that's not unusual. Maybe THAT gives you a little insight into how hard this type of issue can be op.

OP maybe have a read of this; www.todaysparent.com/getting-pregnant/when-your-friend-cant-get-pregnant/

I struggled through nearly four years of infertility with my ex husband and have no baby (and consequently, no husband) to show for it.

Please, please, PLEASE stop looking at this perceived ‘rift’ with your friend through the lens of how it’s upsetting YOU. Trust me, she will be suffering far, far more. Read that article. Be a better friend to her.

You literally have no idea, do you?

To move it forward I would suggest spending some time together and make it clear it will just be the two of you and maybe pick a focus that is totally child free.

I think that posters who have come on here insulting the OP's children, really have no business criticising her behaviour. Shame on you!

It's clear that the OP doesn't really understand how heartbreaking and difficult it is to want a baby and be unable to have one.
But from her perspective, she misses her friend. It is hard to accept that the friend doesn't want any part of the life that is so important to the OP. It is horrible that infertility ends up costing people their relationships because it is too difficult emotionally to maintain them and people like the OP lose a friend without having really done anything wrong.

Tbh I don't agree that other horrid life events or losing a parent are less traumatic because we expect to outlive our parents. Some people lose theirs unecpectedly, in truly awful circumstances. Even when you know it's coming or your parent has lived a long happy life, the grief can be with you forever.

No IWannaSee it’s horrible that people like the OP’s friend lose relationships without having done anything wrong. When one friend is suffering, for WHATEVER reason, the onus is on the friend with the better situation to up the ante in terms of support. OP is not doing that, and THAT is what will cost her this friendship, not her friend’s completely understandable retreat from situations that cause her more pain.

once had her husband’s sperm injected by a doctor which I dont think is full blown ivf

IVF is in vitro fertilisation, so literally fertilisation in glass, hence the old "test tube baby". It will only help with fertility problems where this specific part is the issue. It won't help a woman who can conceive but struggles to carry to term. (In general, as far as I'm aware).

When I was in my early 40s and coming to terms with the fact that I was not going to have a family, a friend who is about 3 years younger than me became pregnant, after many, many struggles. She carried to term and now has a lovely child. I am really pleased for her, but hearing all about it was difficult.

Give your friend some space OP. And for goodness sake, if she does get pregnant, just be glad for her.

I'm 31 and have had 3 failed IVF attempts, 2 ended in mc and have been told it's not likely to work a 4th time. So no, your friend isn't necessarily going to get her baby as you assume.

Over the past 3 years I have slowly backed away from almost all friendships of those who have children. It's not something I meant to do or intended to do. I can barely look after myself and it's incredibly painful seeing other people and their happy lives with children. I've had to defriend everyone on Facebook with kids except for the very closest of friends because sometimes I just want to think about anything other than infertility, and when I open Facebook and a picture pops up of some baby I want to die. I'm not suicidal but am less afraid of death these days as living is so painful. You have no idea.

To answer your question, what should you do? Let her drift away. She may come back or she may not. Just try to understand that your life is causing her physical pain right now and she cant be there for you. If she has a baby you can decide if you want to rekindle the friendship if that's an option. It's fine if you don't.

And also thank your lucky stars that you never had to experience infertility. It's truly crushing and really can't be understood by anyone who hasn't been there.

You don't have a fucking clue

I stupidly assumed this was a good thing in that it showed she could get pg

Please tell me you did not say this to your friend

I feel bad for OP after reading this. Of course she's not going to know the ins and outs of infertility as she has never had to go through it. OP is proud of her children and wants to show them off. Once you become a parent, your kids become your whole world.
I think OP's only fault here is not being understanding of her friend's issues, but that would be difficult for anyone who hasn't been in the same situation.
I think a true friendship would have overcome this, so I think OP is best leaving her friend for now and giving her some space to come to terms with it.