To be a bit annoyed with friend but still feel sad for her?

[AllThePlants]

Let me preface by saying that I totally get that infertility is an awful rollercoaster. By contrast, we conceived DD on our first try, DS on our second try. I am lucky. One of my closest friends has been TTC for 4 years and has only just got round to the IVF referral but I understand that she’s been having pretty constant treatments and some surgery too. I don’t like to ask too much but it can’t be too dire if she hasn’t been having IVF but I could be mistaken. She’s also said she’s not willing to adopt either so guess she’s pinning her hopes on the treatment working.

For about the past 18 months she has gone quite silent on me. She used to be a very supportive friend but I now feel like she shows no interest in my life or kids. I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them beyond the basic “how are you all?” Via text.

I guess I miss her but AIBU to feel
Slightly resentful though? I just feel like when she has her baby I won’t be able to just start pretending she’s shown little interest in my kids. I know that makes me sound awful. Her life is otherwise good, lovely husband and they have a fair amount of money (which I’m not jealous of but just for context). She’s got a lot going for her I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids.

Thank God, I'm a hermit.

I don't usually comment on these kind of posts but I feel compelled to respond to this.

Your poor poor "friend". I suffered from infertility & I can imagine how hard it is for her. Rightly or wrongly I couldn't bear to see DH's friends who have babies/small children when I was being told I may never have my own children. You can't possibly imagine how that feels if you've never been in that situation. I was incredibly lucky & treatment worked but I can only begin to imagine how heartbreaking it is to go through various treatments with no success time and time again as your friend has done.

Her situation can't be too "dire" if she's not had IVF? There are some situations/regions where IVF isn't available. It is also tried after other treatments have failed. Having had surgery & other treatment...she's been through a lot.

She's only 33 so you feel her chances are better? Unfortunately it's not that straight forward. Obviously being younger is typically better for fertility but without knowing why she's struggling to conceive, you really can't know that. Please don't use this line to your friend. I'd have been incredibly angry if someone had said it to me. It sounds as though you're trivialising her problems.

Please don't be so selfish as to say any of this to your friend. If you consider yourself her "friend". & she manages to have a baby, you very much should "shower the baby with attention" rather than being petty because she hasn't liked some of your Instagram posts.

So you joined MN just today or name-changed so you could talk like an inconsiderate arsehole? Sounds fitting.

I have sent lots of texts

How can I do more?

Unbelievable.

Posted too soon. It really is that bad if after all that time she hasn't got a baby. All that time she would have been trying naturally, taking temperatures listening to old wives tales. It's very distressing and sad.

You first post says she useZwd to be a supportive friend, were you supportive to her.

God you sound awful. Silly, selfish & ridiculously self absorbed.

I have a friend in her late thirties who's TTC. It hasn't happened as quickly for her as she'd like and I've noticed a definite downturn in her interaction with me IRL and online. I'm pregnant and have a 3yo so I completely get why I might grate on her.

I'm hoping that when it happens for her she'll reengage, and I'll be there for her if she does. If she chooses not to I can't do anything about that either, I'll have to let her go.

One of the hardest things I've found about being a 'grown up' is allowing friendships to wax and wane, and sometimes die out.

I have never experienced infertility. I have experienced a parent dying young. I have living experience of having special needs children.

I would like to think my friends are sensitive to the fact that I lost my Dad young and they are. They obviously don't avoid talking about their dads and I always ask how their parents are.

I would like to think my friends are sensitive to the fact I have SN kids and my 'real friends' are.

I would rather have SN kids and have lost a parent young than have ever faced the prospect of not having children through infertility which means there is something wrong with me or partner.

I had a spinster Aunt and it was difficult for her. I have friends who have not met the right person and now are never going to have children. I don't think they would consider themselves in the same category as those who found that their bodies let them down. How awful would must that be?

IVF is very much the last resort and final roll of the dice. It sounds like she has has ovarian drilling, Clomid and IUI unsuccessfully so IVF is the next step and yes it is very much ‘that dire’.

You also sound horrendously ignorant about adoption. This is not the 1950s and childless couples can’t just go and pick up a baby.

Very, very few babies go up for adoption and who adopts them is decided by who will be the best family for the baby, not which parents deserve a baby most. That often means babies go to families who already have children because they are better able to cope and childless couples stand no chance.

Couples who have failed fertility treatment are generally unsustainable for adoption of older children as they frequently have very profound problems from their early lives and giving a child with huge problems to parents who wanted their very own perfect new baby is a recipe for resentment on both sides.

Really OP, I think you need a massive injection of sensitivity.

OP, you sound ignorant, insensitive and completely self absorbed. If you don't understand how IVF works, and what your friend is going through, google it. Not at all surprised your friend has gone silent on you, I can fully imagine some of the shit you must have said to her in the past. While you're googling how IVF works, also look up "things not to say to someone going through infertility".

Many levels of wow. Christ.

IVF is a roller coaster of a journey but at some point you need to carry on with your life no matter the outcome.
She may not be the friend that used to be there for you as she is focusing on her self and dealing with the possibility that kids may not be an option for her.
There may come a time when she turns her back on friends with kids and that will be hard for you so I do sympathise with the point you're raising.

You're getting a hard time OP because you have phrased your words harshly.

That said their is a point to be raised that some people shut others out their lives when going through IVF. This doesn't make it right.

Please just have an ounce of empathy for what your friend might be going through. You sound smug and as if a part of you wants to gloat. Very, very unpleasant

formerbabe
I’ve been through both ivf and the death of a parent. The death was at a very difficult for me because I was an older child and was/am treated badly by the surviving parent. It is expected that you will outlive a parent. Not having a child when you desperately want one has a lifelong impact. I now have one child.

Op yes you really need to wisen up and do some research. If you said the wrong thing to me whilst waiting for ivf or when having one of the treatments/investigations and rounds of ivf, I would want to rip your head off.

I know it’s trivial but she never likes any of OMG pics on Instagram or enquiries about them

Is this for real? As a test of friendship??? Not liking Instagram pics???

Are you 12 years old?

Lots of people actually have lives and are not interested in living theirs on the internet. (quite apart from the insensitivity in your post, this is a crackers approach)

Well she is going through her own personal hell fertility wise by the sound of it.
Maybe just looking at you with your children upsets her. Its like a constant reminder.
I would be supportive and there for her but not expect anything in return.

If you honestly want to support her read a bit about IVF - it's difficult to offer support when you don't know much about it (not blaming you but offering a way to reconnect IF that is what you want.
I've got friends for whom IVF didn't work and there have been times when they've been very interested in my kids and periods when I know it's been more of a struggle. I let them set the pace and conversation.

I just wish she didn’t make me feel bad just for having kids

She's not. You are. This is your issue, not hers.

You sound insensitive and cruel.

I wish I’d never really been mentioned bloody instagram. It’s so low down my list of priorities. I have seen what Thisbe is doing to her so yes, I very much do get how difficult it is.

Let me ask you all a question then - what would YOU do in my position? Or what SHOULD I have done. Bearing in mind her responses are quite brief (absolutely fair enough). I can’t force her to spend time with me.

OP your kids are only interesting/clever/beautiful/funny to you really. To others they’re probably pretty tedious, lovely though most kids are.

Also you are clearly clueless as to the absolute emotional rollercoaster that is infertility. YABU

Please give her a break. There is nothing like the longing for a child, something you have been lucky enough to have never experienced. It can drive everything else from your mind. Carry on being her friend and understand how painful it must be to see you with the children she so desperately wants and can't have. Hopefully she will eventually have her own child and things get back to normal for the two of you. Until then just be a supportive presence in the background of her life.

@coffeemugged another compassionate response