Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH came back with DS after difficult morning

197 replies

kissmethere · 28/02/2018 09:46

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 28/02/2018 09:48

I don't think I could take a 12yo to school if they were crying that much. Why is he so unhappy at school?

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2018 09:48

I think you should have been talking to the teacher long before this.
There is obviously something terribly wrong.

endofthelinefinally · 28/02/2018 09:49

And I would not be sending my child to school in thst state.

HotCrossBunFight · 28/02/2018 09:50

Not sure if force a crying 12 year old into school. I assumed you were talking about a child in infants.
Must be something really wrong?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/02/2018 09:52

When you say Ds is having a tough time at school, how do you mean? He sounds very upset and like he's not coping with whatever it is.

ParadiseCity · 28/02/2018 09:53

If my DH came back with my DS saying he was too upset to go to school I'd think he made the right call.

However it sounds like your DH is a bit of a disengaged lazy twat so I can't apply the same logic. Flowers CakeBrew for you and your DS.

ImListening · 28/02/2018 09:53

I’d have spoken to the head of year before. How is he struggling? How tough? Is he being bullied?

thetemptationofchocolate · 28/02/2018 09:53

Please do talk to the school if you can. There will be someone there who takes on pastoral duties and they will be able to help your son.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/02/2018 09:54

If your DH is the one making the call for him not to be in school, then your DH is the one making the decision that he's staying home with him - right???

steff13 · 28/02/2018 09:55

That's pretty extreme behavior for a 12-year-old. I wouldn't have sent him to school in that state.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 09:56

I think you should have been in touch with school long before it got to the point that ds was in the state he was in. A positive mental attitude is only appropriate when you are sure issues have been explored and resolved and not before then. No way would I have tried to send a twelve year old into school when they were distressed so I think your dh made the right call.

bittern79 · 28/02/2018 09:56

Why is your ds having a tough time at school?

If he's being bullied, the school should be aware and should be handling it. if it's an issue with a teacher, ditto. If it's work, then ditto. If it's anxiety related, then I'd also have talked to pastoral staff/your ds's form tutor to make them aware and see if he could access help at school.

Sounds like your issues with your marriage are creeping into your parenting. If a 12yo of mine was crying that much at the thought of school, I'm not sure whether I'd send them either. Depends what the reason was. And if he'd be OK within 2 mins of walking in to school.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 28/02/2018 10:00

I can totally see your DHs point if DS was still crying when they left the house. I think when a child of 12 is crying in the street on the way to school about going to school is very wrong and no amount of jollying them along is going to work. If this was a tantrumming 5 year old that’s one thing but this isn’t. Please do talk to the teacher and also your son. Try and fix this.

TheHungryDonkey · 28/02/2018 10:01

Is there a reason he doesn't want to go in? I battled my child into school for years until I was in school one day and saw why. I ended up keeping him home and moved schools straight away. If he doesn't want to go in I think you need to listen and look rather than tough love it - based on the little information in the op.

IAmBreakmasterCylinder · 28/02/2018 10:01

We had this with DS last year. You have to speak to the school and agree a strategy for these kinds of mornings.

We let DS stay home a few times but it soon became clear this was only making things worse.

What worked for us was me taking the lead, being gentle but firm. I would take him in to the Reception office and his pastoral leader coming down to meet him. Some days he was sobbing and it was awful. Slowly but surely it improved and it turned out to be that he had developed a bit of a fear of being sick at school for some reason.

DSs school were fabulous. They have an SOS card system. If DS felt anxious he could just show the teacher the card and was let out of the lesson to go to the pastoral office.

It took a few weeks of gentle encouragement and all was fine.

My top tips are don’t get cross but don’t give in. Make sure school are fully aware and are helping. Keep things as quiet and calm as you can in the mornings.

DH struggled to begin with but once school made some recommendations we talked it through and agreed to work together. If you and DH can’t work anything else out, can you agree to work on this together?

Sorry your DS is so unhappy. It’s very hard Flowers

Original poster
kissmethere · 28/02/2018 10:03

Absolutely I need to discuss this now with the school. I am emailing them as we speak. DS was referred to cahms in Primary school and that came to a halt when he turned 11 as he just didn't want to talk to someone he didn't know so we respected that and are on hand and supportive, as if we wouldn't, but I feel like there's a time when life stops and work and anything else has to F ing wait because your child needs you. I just feel like " wow that could have been a moment to be your child's pillar and you blew it" in feeling like I'm totally wrong but let down at the same time if that makes sense.

OP posts:
MrsElvis · 28/02/2018 10:03

What I would think is there's something going on. If you can rule out all physical things and the stomach ache is just put on, then what's the matter?

If it's not bullying it may be a feeling of not belonging. Boredom, problem with coping with the work, transitioning to secondary, not liking a teacher or some other uncomfortable feelings for him.

I'd keep him off and spend the day trying to get the truth

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/02/2018 10:04

I am a secondary teacher and unless something is very wrong it is very unusual to have a 12 year old crying saying they have stomach ache.

Please speak to the school - if it's bullying/anxiety/whatever they should be able to help you both.

Vitalogy · 28/02/2018 10:04

I'd take the pressure off your son, by saying to stay off school for a few more days, until things can be put in place and to try and get to the bottom of what's going on.

BeverlyHillsBillie · 28/02/2018 10:05

It think if my child were that adamant about not wanting to go to school then my energies would be concentrated on trying to find out why and speaking to his form tutor or HOY, rather than on forcing him to go in.

Things like this don't happen out of the blue for no reason. He's either being bullied, had no friends and feels left out or he's really really struggling with the work and some aspect of the environment.

BusterGonad · 28/02/2018 10:06

How could your DH have been his pillar if school is minutes away? And he forced him into school? I'm not understanding why you think DH has let your son down?

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/02/2018 10:07

Why doesn't he want to go to school?

starlightafar · 28/02/2018 10:07

I would be taking to school. Avoidance won't help except to say that every time he cries he gets to stay home. Eventually he will be a school refuser.
I'm sorry anyone else think's it's wrong but I agree with OP. There's too much snowflake culture. You have to go to school. Most days.
You need the support of school. I have known loads of kids with autism whose parents have taken them in pyjamas just to get them there. Once there the teaching and support staff will step in. But staying at home?
Easy way out for all of you but not going to help at all or in a years time he'll be on a reduced timetable and refusing to leave his bedroom.

newcarsmell · 28/02/2018 10:08

Children get tummy aches when they are under stress. What is troubling him at school? It must be serious for him to be behaving like that.
Rather than emailing you need to go in and request a meeting.
Your ds might say he doesn't feel comfortable talking to someone he doesn't know but this is something you need to push him to do. Speaking to a counsellor could be hugely beneficial for him and you need to present it in a positive light. Tell him he can meet with the person with you there and ease him into it.
Your dh should have stuck around, I don't disagree that he needs to be more involved. However he made the right call in letting him stay home.

ShapelyBingoWing · 28/02/2018 10:08

My parents left an awful lot to be desired but when I started doing this, even they realised that something was seriously wrong and they couldn't just force me to go through the motions.

YAB massively U. Not all problems can be fixed by pretending you're fine, especially in such a toxic environment as high schools can be when things are going wrong.