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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH came back with DS after difficult morning

197 replies

kissmethere · 28/02/2018 09:46

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:31

There are volunteer child-parent advocacy groups in most towns. If you don't feel confident dealing with the school on your own, google things like Parent Partnership, or Parent Advocates, and someone may be able to advise you, accompany you to meetings and back you up.

zzzzz · 28/02/2018 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trendy1 · 28/02/2018 12:32

Right, sorry, got it, this thread is moving sooo quickly!

GET ON TO THE SCHOOL!!! Stop mucking about with emails, I would belt right into the Head's office and demand to be seen right NOW.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 28/02/2018 12:34

To be honest (and maybe you are in a catastrophising mood because you are stressed and overwhelmed) this is all sounding a tad dramatic but yet you are doing absolutely nothing about addressing the real problem as of yet. .

Your child appeared to have anxiety issues in primary but you took the direction from the child and pulled back from help from camhs. To me it seems you would have at least tried to engage with camhs rather than not even going there.

Your husband needs to be a ‘pillar’ in your child’s future today of all days.

First port of call for a child who is being bullied is talking about homeschooling. No one seems totally sure if he is being bullied or not, at least it certainly not the focus of this thread which it should be if it is the main issue.

You need to pull right back. Your son says he is being bullied. Schools can be great or rubbish at dealing with this. You (or your DH) need to find out which it is for your school. Work with them for a while on it. It they get it right, you should see progress, if not THEN is the time to consider moving him and only after that do you need to consider homeschooling him.

Yes your DH should be on board helping you with this, but nothing here gives confidence that you are on board with it yet either.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/02/2018 12:34

When you say a tough time. What do you mean. He's not getting bullied is he. That's one of the signs stomach ache. If you've not already done so please speak to your ds and to the school, or. He could be struggling with a particular subject
He could have developed school phobıa.
Don't take the tough love approach. It's not going to help you or him

RatherBeRiding · 28/02/2018 12:35

I'm with your DH on this one. The poor kid has been bullied to the point of sobbing and refusing to go into school - and you've not involved the school yet? Why the hell not? Beyond belief.

And as for advising him to "defend himself" - seriously? This is your solution to a serious bullying problem?

The school will have measures in place to deal with serious bullying, but you are trying to minimise the problem, and your son's distress, with "tough love", trying to force him into school with platitudes of "I've got your back". If you really have his back you'll listen to his distress and involve the school immediately, and if necessary keep him at home until effective plans have been put in place.

Original poster
kissmethere · 28/02/2018 12:35

Qvar,
Yes I have my sons back. Wtf is wrong with that?
I need to be undermined? Yeah ok...

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 28/02/2018 12:38

I used to 'stand up for myself', OP, then I was the one who got into trouble. My bullies never faced any consequences for their actions. It doesn't work. The only way is to push the school into dealing with it.

upsideup · 28/02/2018 12:39

I need to be undermined? Yeah ok...

Yes you do. Tough love and just 'stand up for yourself' is not the right way to deal with a child who is being bullied.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 12:40

kissme to have your son's back you need to be addressing these issues with the school and not putting the responsibility on your child to deal with the bullying. You should have alerted the school to the bullying as soon as you became aware rather than letting your son struggle tbh. You say you have his back and so now start be being effective in getting this sorted for him.

starlightafar · 28/02/2018 12:41

Actually it isn't uncommon for bullied children to plead with their parents not to bring it up at school because that makes things worse.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 28/02/2018 12:44

Actually it isn't uncommon for bullied children to plead with their parents not to bring it up at school because that makes things worse.

Of course but adults are able to see the bigger picture and know that leaving a child to fend for themselves is often the poor course of action once bullying takes hold.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 12:45

star the answer to that is to ensure the school deals with the bullying not leave your child to suffer for fear of making things worse. By law all schools have to have an anti bullying policy which makes them accountable for dealing with bullying. You get the policy and force the school to meet the policy documenting their actions,it's easy enough to do.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2018 12:48

Yes because I think your way of fixing it is simply trying to paper over a crack because you dont want a school refuser.

Its too late you have one and you need to sort it out

starlightafar · 28/02/2018 12:48

True^^

SEsofty · 28/02/2018 12:49

Actually I think the DH is stepping up here. He saw the state that his son was in and said that this wasn't right.

You need to make an appointment for you both to go and talk to the school

Knittedfairies · 28/02/2018 12:49

I was going to say the same as fleshmarket - you need to see the school's anti-bullying policy, and go from there.
(Slight threadjack, but when my daughter was bullied at school - years ago - the head of year told me that children as 'bright as x should expect to be bullied'. Jaw drop. She was out of there so fast..)

SEsofty · 28/02/2018 12:52

Knitted, that's so awful

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:53

Some people get very upset at the subject of bullying, try not to take it personally. You know he's having a problem and you're trying to solve it. You probably weren't aware of the options available to you, many parents aren't. It's not like the school wants to publicize them, because most cost more money.

You know what the issue is now, so you take the lead. Get that CAMHS referral in asap (CAMHS can be extremely helpful in several different ways, it's not just about your child speaking to someone, they can advise you too), talk to the school. You will be able to make improvements. And if it came down to it, home education is pretty good these days. There are dedicated groups in every town, plenty of opportunity for socialization, excellent online classes. But to access the classes you usually have to stay on the school register, so look at all your options very carefully.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/02/2018 12:54

It's no point telling him to stand up for himself. If he was able to do that he'd have already done it.
That's the thing with cunting bullies. They go for the child that can't fight back. If a tougher child fronted them they'd shit themselves.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:56

I think the DH is stepping up here. He saw the state that his son was in and said that this wasn't right.

And then he left his DS with OP and went off to work. As part timer she probably has to deal with most things, but hopefully he will support her and attend important meetings. That will be the stepping up.

Chapterandverse · 28/02/2018 12:57

"He says he's being bullied"

Do you not believe him?

My friend's son starts a new school today after her son was bullied for two years... it took two years and her giving the school chance upon chance to sort it out.

He told his mum three times he was being bullied. She told him to stand up for himself. It wasn't until he told his older brother who no longer lives at home that his mum saw the full extent of it.

I hope you sort this out. Sounds like your dh knows his son better than you think.

deblet · 28/02/2018 12:58

I have not read through the whole thread (my phone keeps uploading annoyingly). But I wanted to say that no matter what the problem is tough love never works. I work now in a counselling service and people who are the most unhappy and unable to cope in life are those who have had tough love/tough parents and their feelings not cared about. I am sure you have had a lot of excellent advice on here I would say act now before you destroy his mental health and maybe worse. Two young people in our service sadly took their lives last year. Its worth investing time and care on your child.

Original poster
kissmethere · 28/02/2018 13:01

Thanks for all the information and I'll look up all of these. Yes I'm trying to solve this now. I only want him to be happy and do the best he can. My energy is low at the moment so I'm coming off the keyboard. Thanks all.

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 28/02/2018 13:01

www.facebook.com/NotFineInSchool/