DH came back with DS after difficult morning

[kissmethere]

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

This school does not have a reputation for getting back to parents with any queries but I'll stay on it.
Look you are going to have to be more forceful than allowing the school not to call you back. Do you have email addresses? Follow up every phone call with an email saying "further to my phone call today at x time please advise when I can expect a response to my request for a call back as the matter I wish to discuss with you is my son's absence from school due to bullying"
You follow up every conversation with an email with your understanding of the discussion and what the school have said they will do and the timescales. Then you email again to ensure they have done what they said within the timescales.
Give yourself the pep talk and start being an effective parent in getting this addressed for your child.

For goodness' sake - put your glasses on and read all the posts especially @fleshmarketclose above ^^ which shows you how to create a paper trail.

Look, bottom line here this school either hasn't noticed 1) in which case they are rubbish or they aren't bothered in which case see 1 again.

Get your lad assessed, find him a better school that will treat him as though he matters.

You absolutely need to be all over this with doing your utmost to help your son. Telling him to toughen up and get on with it is the worst most unfeeling thing you could ever do

Flesh we did do all that. DS has an EHCP for 27.5hrs support, a wonderful 1:1, all the adjustments a mainstream can sensibly manage and we worked through everything and it just came down to he doesn't want to be at school because its 'boring. He's very bright and doesn't see the point in going over things already done, or that don't interest him..etc. I'm fairly good at judging if he needs a 'mental health' day or just doesn't want to go in.

He'll be going into a specialist school for children with HFA in Yr 7 so hopefully less refusals!

Kritical yes I thought as much, ds used to play merry hell if he was "bored" although it wasn't so much boredom he was totally overwhelmed by the sensory overload and anxiety. He thrived in the independent specialist school so hope your ds does too.

@kissmethere

You might not be a special need parent, but while your son is being bullied, you need to be on this for him like he DOES have some special needs.

You are your sons one and only advocate, if you don't fight for him, no-one else will.

You need to be bugging the crap out of the school. Phone daily, phone twice daily, phone them HOURLY if you have to. Go in to the school, demand to see his Teacher, his Head of Year, his Key Stage Leader, Deputy Head or Headteacher, you don't take no for an answer.

you don't allow them to fob you off, to make excuses or to wriggle out of this. You NEED to be a force of nature and get things done, because if you don't dig your heels in and make it clear you will NOT be fobbed off, they will ignore and dodge and do everything to avoid doing anything.

I'm afraid you have to be 'THAT' parent.

This may sound horrible OP and I don't mean it to, but making your child go into an environment where he is bullied and is totally miserable in isn't tough love - it's just another form of bullying .

How exactly are you "having his back" by sending him in to face his bullies with no support from the school? I just don't get that at all. You are focusing your anger on your DH bringing him back (he has the same right to make parental decisions as you btw) but you need to work with DH and the school to help your boy

but making your child go into an environment where he is bullied and is totally miserable in isn't tough love - it's just another form of bullying

Definitely.

Yes as Kritical says you have to be the biggest PITA you can be to be your child's best advocate. Take it from me if I phone dd's school they damn well know they better take my call or they will be hearing more from me and they don't want that Experience has taught them it is not a good idea to give me time to calm down as icy rage is far worse than my initial rage. You have it right when you only have to give your name for them to put you through

You need to get a notebook book for him and note every single Problem that occurs at school. Just saying “bullying” will not fix it. But if you say “on 17th Feb during lunchtime, James purposely tripped me over and then Steve kicked me whilst Luke laughed and watched” then they have something to work with.

He can add anything in, like when he has stomach ache how he felt, like a diary.

I really feel for you as a family. Sometimes it's so hard to see the forest for the trees and you get so overwhelmed, you lose sight of the issues. I hope you can swiftly get the support you need from school.

I haven't read the whole thread but are you plugged into CAHMS or waiting?

I wonder if your DS should move schools? Has he been able to talk to you about his anxiety? He's at a tough age. DS really struggled in years 7 and 8. I hope it gets better for you.
It's really tough but ultimately you and DH need to support each other through this. You're all trying to cope the best you can and you must feel like you've got blinders on.

Ok.
Firstly pp who said I need to step up. I am and I do.
I also don't need a step by step guide in communicating with the school.
This has just happened today. This morning. I'm not allowing the school not to get back to me. He was last accessed a year ago. Bullying was not an issue however it is now. I have never told him to "man up" or "toughen up" we've talked a lot and I've advise him on how to handle situations and problems. I don't feel I've under reacted on the basis of what he's told me.
In the past, before the subject of bullying came up it could have been anything which made him not want to go to school, down to socks, shoes, a book, a lesson. Anything. So of course I have to make that call as to whether he needs to be at home or not. It's difficult. Today was different and I'm now moving forward with the next course of action. I haven't "allowed him to suffer" as a pp said.
Regarding DH. I feel he needs to be more involved instead of me feeding back to him how things are. There is a deeper issue and I think that clicked me onto it this morning. I'm not going to let it derail what I'm trying to do to help DS.

I can see all your points. I'm waiting for a reply re an appointment. HoY is due to call. This school does not have a reputation for getting back to parents with any queries but I'll stay on it.

Good on you OP.

Be forceful and persistent if you must. It might not be your default but with some schools (and from what you’ve said your school might be one of them) this might be what is required.

Sorry lots more posts as I was typing that. It does help and hearing other people's stories as well.

Sorry OP we can only go on what you write and you wrote you had been advising ds to defend himself and positive thinking. Personally I don't think they are good strategies to give to a child to deal with bullying. Likewise if communication with school wasn't an issue for you then I would have expected you to contact the school long before now but what do I know ? I advised based on the situation you wrote not on anything else so if I was wrong and you know what you should be doing then my only thoughts are good luck and I hope you sort this for your son's sake.

In cases like this never ever worry about being that parent. Your duty to your son.
The teachers HT would not accept it for their own children

I really don't feel that you can claim to be on top of this if you haven't previously involved the school in the bullying problem. Surely that should have been your first port of call? I'm seriously worried that you suggest that your son would have the same problems elsewhere: either you are victim blaming and suggesting he attracts bullying, or you are saying that he has other problems which should have been addressed by now.

You need to insist on a meeting with relevant staff, and prepare for it by going through the school's discipline, bullying and safeguarding policies. Find out who the bullies are and what, if anything, your son has told anyone in school. Tell the school that you what you need is precise details of how they are going to ensure that your son is safe in school so that you can reassure him about this.

I think if my 12 year old was in that much of a state I would have brought him home too, I would then phone the school and demand a meeting in hope to find out how they are going to make DS feel happier about school.

My dd has Aspergers and found year 7 really hard, I spoke to the school and they did their best to make things right, put things in place to support her. Year 8 was so much better though we have had issues with bullying which the school are quick to deal with.

I'm also not sure that OP's DH deserves criticism for this one. He was left with the problem at the 59th minute of the 11th hour and had to make a quick decision. He may not have been able to take time off work without notice, and he wasn't necessarily dumping the problem on OP given that their DD was around.

Why are you seeing teachers etc. Can’t you do it jointly with DH or he do it on his own. The change in dynamics might help DS(it might make things worse but if you don’t give him a chance you don’t know what dhcan do).

Just wondering how your boy is doing now OP? Have you spoken to the school?