DH came back with DS after difficult morning

[kissmethere]

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

Gosh OP. You are going about this all the wrong way.
You need a copy of the school antibullying policy, go through it with a highlighter, a written account of what has been happening and a face to face meeting with the HOY.
This should have happened well before now.
Thank goodness your dh is paying attention to your son.

Brenda dh had to go to work where OP didn't have to so surely it makes sense for OP to contact the school. It's hardly a two person job. The h recognised his son's distress and made the right call that he couldn't attend, when he gets home both he and OP need to decide how they are going to tackle this together.

You don't have his back! You force him to have his OWN back while you are safe as an adult with a job that means you can have someone arrested if they assault you.

You're sending a fearful child into school to be bullied and you've done nothing constructive about this, except piss and whine about your husband telling him he doesn't need to go and be bullied!

Find a bit of compassion in your dealings with your son, or your husband might just leave you and take your son with him. I certainly wouldn't expect any of my kids to be treated like that by a parent - I wouldn't tolerate it.

He say he is being bullied!! You should be in the school advocating for him. And fixing it.

Awful.

Also it sounds like you don’t quite believe him by saying “he says”.

dh had to go to work where OP didn't have to so surely it makes sense for OP to contact the school

^this!

I wouldn’t expect my dh to sort it if he had to work and I didn’t need to that day.

All the "benefits" to school life are completely irrelevent if the child hates it and wont go. So many people are traumatised by their school years if bullied and they carry that with them to adulthood.

THIS ^^

So often I've read newspaper reports of a young person's suicide, where it's said that the school had failed to stop bullying of the child.
I think - Why did that child's parents keep forcing them to go into that situation every day?

most kids don’t admit to their parents how bad the bullying is until something snaps

in 2015 4 (that is 4)children aged between 10 and 19 killed themselves a week

I think the fact that your DS has been under CAMHS in the past would have had me on to the school at the first sign of trouble, tbh. It must be very upsetting for you, OP, to see him so distressed but I don't think forcing him in to school will actually tackle the issue - also, I think you are focusing on your DH as an issue that you can deal with, rather than the issue which is with your son really - I don't see that your DH did anything wrong.

I hope you can sort something out with the school.

just want to chime in with the people commenting about 'giving in' to autistic school refusers.

You can't do that in some situations, autism or not, you really can't, my DS is 11 and went through a period of school refusing, to the point that he was being violent IN school so he'd get suspended and sent home... he's not being bullied, he just thinks school is boring and he'd rather be at home on the xbox/computer which are his obsessions.

So yes, I did pretty much drag him in every day, and they didn't suspend him again, instead using internal isolation after violent episodes to reinforce that he needs to be in school.

In the OP's situation though, I do not think 'tough love' is the way to go. Her DS is clearly distressed and anxious and she ought to be protecting him from the bullies, not trying to force him into school while so openly upset and scared to go.

I've told him he must defend himself regardless of consequences, like a detention

Is that what you would do if you were attacked every day at work, OP? Fight back and tough it out, day after day?

Do you work OP?

I ask because there are lots of "your DH ran off to work" type comments.

If he's the only one working then there's a lot of pressure right there to keep food on the table, it's not unreasonable to expect the SAHP to deal with something like this while he goes to work.

she works PT

You haven't answered whether the school knew of his past problems at primary (were they the same?) or whether they know now.

It's lovely you have his back but you can't be involved at school and they need to be aware and dealing too. You can't solve this on your own and nor can your son. And moving him somewhere else using the same tactics won't work either.

I am bewildered at how you're handling this tbh.

Kritical not saying your approach is wrong but I'd be wanting to know for sure that it was because of boredom or because of his obsession before forcing my child into school. Sometimes it's a case of actions speak louder than words and if my ds said they were bored I'd be digging deeper because quite often it's too difficult for him to articulate the real problem. Even if I didn't find anything worrying I'd be questioning suitability of placement purely because your ds didn't want to attend the school and school seemingly didn't have a good enough grasp of your child's difficulties to be able to intervene before any violence took place.

His primary school did send a report to his new school so they were aware of his history. In fact I'll double check this actually happened before I meet with the head of year.

It sounds like this is YOUR childs chance to be your sons pillar and you're blowing it.

Kissme you need to focus on the here and now and not what could have or should have been done.
Make an appointment to speak to the school, get their anti bullying policy from the school website (it has to be there by law), speak to your child and take a list of incidents that he remembers with you. Focus on this whether his primary alerted the secondary isn't important because either way appropriate measures weren't put in place to support your son anyway.

My youngest DS began refusing school in Year 7. The anxiety manifested itself physically in the form of stomach aches and tightness in the chest. After three weeks of struggling, help from the pastoral team and encouragement form a very proactive Head of Learning Support, who was significantly involved with our eldest son (DS's brother), we identified the problem as bullying and the children involved were moved to a different class (DS was not the only one they targeted).

In Year 9, the problem of school refusal/anxiety emerged again. By this time, my DS was under CAMHS. the anxiety was severe and I tried the tough love approach. I tried this approach because leaving my son at home with obsessive routines and a need to control everyone and everything was not helping anyone.

To cut a long story short, even with the help of Educational Social Workers and a lot of support from the school, DS did not attend the school again from the end of Y9 until he left. He still has problems engaging with activities outside the home today.

I can understand entirely why OP is trying to be tough with her son. If we are not tough and seen to be tough we are labelled as weak parents and blamed for our child's refusal. If we allow our children to stay at home, the anxiety affects the whole household. In our case ASD/PDA is probably somewhere in the mix, but CAMHS will not and cannot help a child/young person who will not/cannot engage with their services and they always ask what we, as patents, have done.
Our children often want to go to school. They want to conform. they want friends, but somehow they are scared stiff and unable to fulfill their own needs. Staying at home simply compounds their social isolation.

That said, supportive home education can work, but it demands so much.

Sorry about the rant.

Look you have berated your husband for not being his son's pillar. Take it from me you need to be your child's best advocate, preferably with your dh at your side. But if not you are going to have to do this alone to give your child the best chance. You will get good support and advice from here or Kidscape. You have to step up and be the parent your child needs now, you have allowed him to suffer longer than he should already by not addressing it with the school immediately. It's time to start getting your child the support he deserves and needs.

I can see all your points. I'm waiting for a reply re an appointment. HoY is due to call. This school does not have a reputation for getting back to parents with any queries but I'll stay on it.

And I haven't berating husband. He went to work and we haven't spoken. He's at work and I'm at home with DS.

You'll have to excuse typos I'm using my phone and I'm blind as a bat without my glasses.