DH came back with DS after difficult morning

[kissmethere]

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

DH has let OP down by not being consistent in the supposedly joint efforts to get DS to school. Rather than following her lead he gave in and went soft, thus undermining her.
His or her approaches must be the same, for this to work.

I feel like there's a time when life stops and work and anything else has to F ing wait because your child needs you. I just feel like " wow that could have been a moment to be your child's pillar and you blew it" in feeling like I'm totally wrong but let down at the same time if that makes sense. I can understand this frustration. But if he can't/won't then will you. Try and put all your energy into what's going on with your son atm and deal with other issues later.

Thanks Star, so he's not let the son down, he's let the Op down.

I think you are wrong for trying to tough love your way out of mental health problems. You respected his wish not to discuss his issues with CAAMHS byt you won't respect him when he's telling you he's not fit for school, why? Either hear him out or don't. I think your husband was right in his instinct to bring a sobbing twelve year old child home.

I think your husband is wrong for making the decision and ditching you with the consequences, and heading off to work, but if you aren't getting on and he's just done something he feels is right and knows you won't like, I ccan see why he'd be eager to escape the situation.

But don't let your son's mental health be pawned off in a game of who can be the bestest parent. He needs input from outside agencies, not to be tough loved, sobbing, out of the door.

While your H was quite right to bring DS home (there is no way I would have forced mine to go to school when he was that upset), the fact that the H then scuttled off to work and left you to it is a bit pathetic.
Are the problems in your marriage mainly down to H being incapable of putting anyone else's needs ahead of his own, or is there something worse going on? If your H is abusive to you both then this could be causing some of DS' issues with going to school.

This was my son 7 years ago. Turned out that he was being bullied every single day.
Hopefully it's not that for your son - it still affects my boy

You and your dh haven’t done right by your son. It looks like you’re annoyed at your dh because actually he has made the right call in terms of not sending him to school but hasn’t actually supported your son.

Bigger picture - your son needs help. You are the parent and need to sort it out ASAP.

You're focusing on DH but I think that's the wrong focus.
We have had similar problems with DS and I completely relate to being the person who helps him be positive and get into school. And with the fact that DH fails miserably because he isn't as engaged and doesn't know when to make the call to chivvy along and when to say 'you don't need to go'.
However, the priority has to be your DS and if a 12-yr-old is crying in the street then he needs to be at home. I understand it's tough and upsetting and frustrating for you but it's time to put some kind of support back in place like he had at primary school.

I understand what you’re saying. There is a fine balance between strongly encouraging your child to go to school and letting them stay off with the risk of becoming a School refuser. Your dh doesn’t sound very supportive of you. Or your ds as he just went off to work leaving you both with the problem. Afterall you managed to get your ds out of the door, which will probably have been the most difficult hurdle.

However, your ds does have tummy ache, which you know is a sign of stress. Hopefully you will be able to get to the bottom of this. I’d only be wanting to keep him off if things are really bad.

I've had this with dd and we did indeed miss a day of school while we chatted to figure out what was going on and school was involved.

When school refusal continued I called the pastoral officer each and every time and spoke to them and explained. They then let her come in when she had calmed down but she did have to go in with support.

We did move in the end.

Would you really want him to drag a crying 12 year old into school? I hope the school would call you straight back in to come and collect him as there is obviously something wrong and he shouldnt be in school. Your DH did the right thing.
I wouldnt be able to leave my children at any age at the school gates in tears saying they didnt want to go in.

It sounds like you wanted your DH to put getting to work on hold for a few minutes so he could deal with the situation with DS and be his "pillar" and show DS that he was his priority over getting to work on time.
I would feel the same. Have you told DH this?

You can also ask the school to look at his missed sick days and see if they all occur on a particular day, as the heightened anxiety might be linked to a certain teacher or a certain situation. Or days that you are at home or something...

DH has let OP down by not being consistent in the supposedly joint efforts to get DS to school. Rather than following her lead he gave in and went soft, thus undermining her.

DH has put his son first by putting his wellbeing and mental health before school and his wifes tough love parenting, I would undermine anyone and let anyone down who tried to do this to my children.
Why should he have to follow her lead? Especially when its the wrong one, they are both the parents.

Yes DH let her down not directly the son.
But the son needs to know that it doesn't matter in life what happens, there are still expectations and you need to adhere to them.
Crying is manipulating imo. I'm sorry he's upset but children crying going to school doesn't always equal mental health issues.
You do need to find the source of the problem though OP and soon. And get school in on it so that it doesn't become a pattern.

Crying is manipulating imo

This boy is TWELVE and I hope you have ignorance of twelve year olds to excuse that attitude, otherwise it's disgusting

This was me way back when. I was being horribly bullied by a group of kids and excluded by the others who didn’t want to become a target. The teachers were horribly unsupportive and would tell me to stop making a fuss. I would be hysterical some mornings at the thought of another day of it.

I don’t think forcing him to go to school in that state would have been the right thing to do. But take it as an action point and arrange a meeting with the school to figure out a way forward. The biggest issue is why he is so upset about school because until you know that, there isn’t much anyone can do

Don't get your annoyance with ur dh tbh. He saw ur D's was too upset and brought him home. I don't get why you let him go at all if he is that upset.

If your working part time then presumably you're home for longer and therefore do more of the school stuff etc. Again I don't see your issue.

Stomach ache in children can be caused by stress. I got it a lot, and always got "Boy Who Cried Wolf" lecture.

Qvar yes he's 12.
Do you think 12 year olds refusing to go to school, as there are hundreds across the country, benefit from being able to go back to bed instead of school?
Do you think that the parents' role is just so say 'ok then'?
Bullying is fucking horrible. I get that. So is low achievement, feeling thick, dyslexia and more. But that is life. You get those problems in the workplace.
You need to speak to HOY and DH, and come up with a plan. Use today as a demonstration of the need for more intervention.
I know a woman who's son has autism, who is disabled, and walks him to school every day even though he refuses to go in. She waits and waits and he knows he has no choice. It takes her up to 2 hours a day and it is literally round the corner. Bu he goes in.

To be honest there must be something wrong, or happening at school.

I was bullied for years at school, not physically, but mentally! Absolutely awful experience & my mum didn't know/understand at first why she just thought that I disliked school.

Eventually years later I was able to communicate how bad it was and it reached to a level where I couldn't go anymore I'd call home asking to leave in tears.

Don't blame him, there must be another reason.

Go to the school and check, although mine were oblivious/turned a blind eye to it. It was many years ago so maybe the school can help now, but if its bullying then it's generally better to change schools, when I changed schools it was the most happy I had been in years.

Good luck though!

Crying is manipulating imo
Absolutely horrible thing to say. What level of distress would be enough to convince you?

OP, I get the trying to be positive thing, but a 12-y-o in that level of distress is serious. I would have found it very difficult in your DH's position to just force him to go.

You have tow issues there

• one is about your ds. I’ve had a child complaining of tummy ache etc... that was a clear sign of anxiety (think about people who have to run to the loo just before let’s say doing a big talk). So I imo it’s a child that is really extremely anxious. But at the same time, you can’t keep him off school everyday because of his anxiety. There will be so tough love to be done too, as well as the positive talk that you are doing, involving the school and I think the GP too.

You really need to understand what’s going on to be able to support him.

• the second is about your DH. The issue here is that he didn’t talk to you about what his approach wouod be, despite, I imagine seeing his ds upset every morning. He hasn’t taken any responsibility in it, leaving it all to you. But when he HAD TO do something, he defaulted, saying he couldn’t do it. This both undermined all your efforts and didn’t give the right message to your ds. (Staying at home shouod have come from a discussion with him as well as some agreement that you would see the head of year, him goingt o school tomorrow etc...).

It also would leave a bad taste in my mouth if the only reason he had was people looking at him!!

TBH, I wouod look at one issue at the time.
First concentrate in your ds, find some support for him and lease do look at bring8ng private help (child counsellor, family therapy etc...) rathervthan Just relying on CAMHS.
Carry on taking the lead but also make the expectation clear to your DH that, if he has an issue with the way you are dealing with things, he needs to speak to you BEFORE.

THEN, when things have settled a bit, by any mean, look at your relationship.

By experience, trying to do both at the same time, isn’t going to work.

The poor guy can't win. He made the right call for his son. He didn't make the right call for you, OP, but does anyone back their partner up when they think they're in the wrong?

There's something very wrong for there to be such a strong reaction to going to school. I'd be trying to get to the bottom of it and sort it out rather than throwing blame around. When I say you, I mean you and his dad, obviously.