DH came back with DS after difficult morning

[kissmethere]

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

The thing that is really missing from your post should OP, is the lack of concern about your ds’s actual feelings/problems? I mean why doesn’t he want to go?

That’s the first question I’d be trying to answer - why is my child so distraught.

Did the secondary school know of your son's issues from primary school?

Surely you've told them...

Please don’t get upset becuase this is going to sound harsh, but I think it’s important.

You seem more interested in the fact that your husband has pissed you off than you do in your son right now.

Put your feelings about your marriage on the back burner until later today and phone for an emergency GP appointment or phone consultation for your son.

It is absolutely not normal for a 12 year old to be in that much of a state about going to school and the situation is beyond saving by tough love and pastoral care at school. (Much as I am a fan of both generally)

He needs to see a doctor. There may or may not be an external cause such as bullying or a problem with a teacher, but this is not a minor or a one off. He is showing clear signs of distress and this is an ongoing problem.

It's fine to miss school. FFS the education system is in a right mess at the moment, and all the hammering on about 'needing' to learn to obey, conform and suffer only reinforces the problem. Yes, plenty of kids cope OK at school and good luck to them, but if you have one who is not handling it, you need to have your kid's back, not take the approach of 'authority knows best'. It's been shown over and over again that 'authority' doesn't necessarily know what's best; that schools will cover up a culture of bullying and abuse and blame the victims, and that everything is about the bottom line.

You seem more interested in the fact that your husband has pissed you off than you do in your son right now.

^This. Totally.

Poor boy. How was your husband not supportive? I agree with his stance on this more than yours tbh.

You need to get to the root of the problem. Something is clearly wrong. Tough love is not the approach here.

Thedog could you explain how the DH WAS supportive exactly?

What exactely has the DH done to protect his ds well-being and mental health?
Has he talked to the OP about how to approach the issue?
Has he talked to his ds about what is happening at school?
Has he taken him to see the GP, contact CAMHS or seen the HoY to understand what is going on?
Has he taken the time this morning to speak to his child, even if it made slightly late for work? Or just walked with him to school as an emotional support?

Id really like to know what you think the DH did that is showing he was fully supportive, either of the ds or of the OP
(The agreeing about doing xxx the evening before doesn’t ciunt as he didn’t keep his part of the agreement)

Flesh fair enough.
It's just that so many children nowadays have a diagnosis of autism, of varying severity. There isn't support for all of them particularly the higher functioning ones. Some parents don't have that knowledge or fight.
She seems a very good mother who wants the best for her child. I know another child who has severe anxiety whose mum let her do as she wanted. She's 15, so far behind she'll never get a qualification. Sits in her bedroom all day on you tube. The welfare officer doesn't care, school have given up. Social services know but do nothing.
Which is worse? Genuine question, although I see it's not black and white.
What are this epidemic of autistic children going to do as they mature into autistic adults? There needs to be a total restructure of the education system to manage their needs in a way mainstream education cannot. I don't know the answer to that but it does need intervention on a wider level.
But back to the main question, I don't believe DH was focusing on the son at all. He was lazy, couldn't be bothered to deal with it properly so gave up took DS home and went to work because that was the easiest course of action for him.

At that precise moment he was supportive of his son and his mental state.

My DD was like this from year 7 to year 9, I had meeting after meeting with the school, in the end we moved her, the bullying had a long term effect but once moved she did really well. I think the OP must realise by now she needs to get to the bottom of this and act on it. Its all too easy to hope it will "go away".

Sorry, I'm absolutely not avoiding the question of what the problem is. I didn't mean to skip past it.
He says he's being bullied. I totally sympathise and am trying to help him deal with his feelings and all situations.
I know he has handled things really well but like anyone,some days it's too much. I've considered moving him to a different school and I'm looking into it but he doesn't want to leave his friends. Of course I have to make that call for the sake of his wellbeing and it seems this is a real possibility with what has happened today.
Truthfully, I feel even if we do move him this could happen again. He doesn't like school. I'm not equipped to home school him and I think he would miss out on a valuable part of his life because I think being at school is he issue. He is a lovely, lovely boy, yes he's MY son, but he really is. He's very sensitive and I think I've pushed him and need to take a different approach. I hope the school can help me with this. I only want him to be happy and do well and now is a turning point to take it all in hand. Does that make sense.
DD is off work today and we've just had a little chat about DS and she's being very sweet considering she usually doesn't give a shit (lighthearted)

Sort out the bullying fgs ... everything else is irrelevant right now.

StarlightDd is supposedly high functioning she has had 1 to 1 support since she started nursery, ds less able he had 1 to 1 support for the whole of his school life as well. It's difficult I get that but what's the alternative but to fight? You either sacrifice your child's mental health or you have a child not in school or you fight to get a placement that meets your child's needs. For me I don't see either of the first two option as an option for my dc and so I fight. Yes for now dd isn't attending full time (but not attending full time protects her mental health) but I fully expect to secure an independent specialist school and so she will be getting a specialist education,the best of both worlds, an education alongside specialist support for the autism.
I'm not saying my way is the only way more that I think that it is wrong to sacrifice a child's mental health to meet a school or LA's agenda because lets face it a school or LA's priority isn't the needs of an individual child is it where as a parent they should be.

@kissmethere he doesn't want to leave his friends because the idea of a new school and new people is daunting. There is familiarity with his school and friends. You have to coach him through it and talk to him about moving as a positive.
He may not like the next school for whatever reason - but surely even disliking school in general is better than being bullied?! You have to show him op that you are his defender, you have his back, you will stand up for him. Because no one else can. You and his dad are it, his support. He may make a fuss about moving but he will remember it in years to come, that you took control and made the best decisions for him when he was too young to make them for himself.

I think the bit that is worth focusing on is that his issues are serious enough to Perdue through cahms but at 11 years old he was allowed to opt out of speaking to someone.

If you are going to make him tough things out and insist that he must push through, it might be better to apply that to his getting help and support rather than going to school.

I'm not trying to be harsh - I just think you have put the cart before the horse in expecting him to deal with his issues without paying more than scant attention to what his issues are. Ditto forcing him to school whilst not being engaged in any meaningful dialogue with the school to help him with this.

The absolute worst thing you can do with school refusal is force the child. It obliterates the trust. You need to find another solution, but forcing and frogmarching a distressed child into school is not the answer.

Have you considered home educatng for a year or doing an online school?
Ive just taken my dd out for simlar reasons and she has signed up with myonlineschooling.com and is absolutely loving learning again without the environmental stress of school.

myonlineschooling.co.uk/ is working link

Perhaps you could ask your DS to describe his school day. It might give you (or him) a clue. What happens first? Who does he wait with until school starts? and then he goes where? Who does he sit next to, what's each teacher like? My dad did that with me as a year 7 and I realised myself I was anxious about not finding the right room for the next lesson. I had gone into the wrong classroom once and everybody laughed and I was mortified.

He might be stuck on a simple thing such as where to leave his PE kit, or having a problem with one particular kid, or overwhelmed by the chaos/noise in certain places, playground or canteen. Secondary schools can help with this, some have "quiet" rooms for eating lunch.

Age 12 is hard, they're too old to want walking up to school but they still need you. Make an appointment with the school and decide to go as a family or just you or just you and DS. Good luck OP.

Look you can't deal with him being bullied by trying to get him to behave differently or by tough love or whatever. It's not him that needs to change it's the people who are doing this. You need and needed to raise this with the school and start demanding action. Stop focusing on dh and your issues with him and start getting this sorted for your poor boy.

Good for you flesh but I bet you get a lot of eye rolls and 'her again' comments!