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Original poster

DH came back with DS after difficult morning

197 replies

kissmethere · 28/02/2018 09:46

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/02/2018 12:11

All the "benefits" to school life are completely irrelevent if the child hates it and wont go. So many people are traumatised by their school years if bullied and they carry that with them to adulthood.

mumeeee · 28/02/2018 12:12

Your DH was right to bring your son back and not force him in to school. Especially as he is. being bullied. You need to speak to the school as soon as possible and make sure they can keep him safe

newcarsmell · 28/02/2018 12:14

One thing I have said to my son in difficult, similar situations in the past is that he can give his worries to me. I tell him that I'm going to sort it, that any problem he has he can give to me to worry about instead and I will deal with it. I tell him to visualise taking all the worries swirling around in his mind and then pass them to me, I take them and place them in my brain. (I obviously know what he's worrying about.) This helps him mentally to cope, he's given them to someone he trusts and can be emotionally freed up.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 28/02/2018 12:14

I appreciate you may not want to say why your son doesn't want to go to school on an internet forum so I won't ask. If he has had problems in the past though, I'm assuming you have a good idea of what is going on. You need to speak to the school and you need to be honest with them about exactly what is upsetting your son.

Whether it is bullying or whether it is general anxiety the school should be able to put measures in place to help your son. You will also need to sit down with your DH and consider other options too. Maybe mainstream school is not the place for him. Maybe home education or an alternative (non-mainstream) school is the answer - one designed to help children with anxiety etc. Speak to the school and ask about how they can help your son and what other options might be available.

You also need to speak to your DH and decide together how you will manage when your son is upset and finding things difficult. I appreciate you feel your DH side-stepped the responsibility this morning and left you to deal with it but, honestly, how feasible was it for him to have cancelled everything on the spot and stayed home? How many times could he do that before his job might start to look a little shaky? If he put his full-time job on the line in order to put his son first, would your part-time job be enough to keep your family's heads above water in financial terms? It's tough, but between you you'll need to decide how you are going to manage everything - putting your son first as well as maintaining an family income. That might well mean one of you giving up work or finding a very flexible job for the next few years.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 12:15

star I do Grin but I don't care, someone dealt my dc a shit hand by foisting the autism on them and so I deal with my anger at that by fighting the world and making it better for them. At least I never get put on hold by the school or the LA when I call anyway Wink

CheesyWeez · 28/02/2018 12:15

Ok I must have been typing extremely slowly as the thread moved on since my post! I'd still say to make an appointment at school though. Your daughter's input sounds like it will be a help.

Good luck OP

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:16

I'm fearful he will become a school refuser

But you need to look at why he would refuse. Bullying is a very valid reason! If the school can't adequately support him, there are other options. In my town there is a school group that meets at the community centre, and is 7/8 students who can't cope with mainstream school for whatever reason. I think it's called Hospital School. As Branleuse pointed out, there are also online classes. Talk to the school, the GP and CAMHS (get that referral in again asap, or ring and find out if his case is still active) and find something that he can cope with. If he has a rotten time through secondary school it may impact on his exams, and will probably influence is further education decisions too.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/02/2018 12:16

I am aghast that this has been going on for however long and only now you are emailing the school?

And as for your DH, perhaps he did what he thought best, at the time, as your DS's parent. Just like you are.

Original poster
kissmethere · 28/02/2018 12:16

We had such a good talk yesterday morning about positive thinking. Defending himself and he knows I've got his back. I've told him he must defend himself regardless of consequences, like a detention, because I know he will definitely not be the instigator (not to be precious). So much to think about and thanks to all all for your replies.

OP posts:
RingFence · 28/02/2018 12:17

I think your DH was right to bring him home. And not U to leave him with you if he had to get to work and you didn't. There's a time and a place for tough love.

Have you sought professional help to get to the bottom of your son's distress about going to school? Ruled out underlying medical conditions, made an app with a child psychologist or counsellor? If haven't then I think you should do this asap rather than arguing with your DD about responsibility.

beanii · 28/02/2018 12:19

OP our 13 year old is a bit the same and we have to do the tough love thing otherwise he would be trying it all the time. I fully understand where you are coming from - all you wanted was a bit of support from your DH which you never got. To me he took a bit of the easy option which you can't do everyday. Sorry I haven't got any advice! xx

BitOutOfPractice · 28/02/2018 12:21

Why haven't you involved the school before now OP?

Trendy1 · 28/02/2018 12:23

My DH and I had 'equal' jobs before DCs came along. After that, I elected to be the main carer, working PT, and DH shot off up the career ladder, which was a good job, because he needed to pay the bills. IMHO only one parent deals with/enjoys all the DC stuff, school, clubs, parties, whatever. My guess is, in an average household, that DH comes in from work, and all DC stuff is discussed rationally (maybe I was lucky). My point is, OP, that you cannot make your job a priority in any way, if your DH works FT. So, put your son first and get on top of it.

Lizzie48 · 28/02/2018 12:24

I remember being that age and being bullied at school. I used to try to get myself days off by constantly saying I wasn't well. My parents never saw the connection between me being a 'hypochondriac' and suffering bullying at school.

It's so hard being that age and being bullied. It just matters so much how you are viewed by your classmates, it destroys your self esteem when you know you don't fit in.

Your DH was right to bring your DS home. You need to do all you can to make the school do what they can to deal with the bullying. Your DS needs to know that he has your unconditional support with this.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:24

I've told him he must defend himself regardless of consequences, like a detention, because I know he will definitely not be the instigator (not to be precious).

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with this. It's exactly what my DM would have said, but things have moved on. Measures are (or should be) in place now so that your child doesn't have to face every school day with dread, anticipating someone attacking him! Again, as someone said above, framing this as something your DS needs to meet by changing is not the right way. What is being done about the bullies? What is being done to ensure his safety? The school needs to answer these questions. And if their help isn't adequate, you need to explore other avenues. Message the school again and tell them you need to speak to them urgently about the bullying your son is dealing with. Take your own advice, and fight for him.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 28/02/2018 12:24

I've told him he must defend himself regardless of consequences, like a detention

My God, your poor child. You’re supposed to protect him, not treat school like some sort of MMA training camp. The poor little sod is frightened and in tears.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 12:25

Look I don't want to be harsh but you need to stop making your son responsible for dealing with the bullying,it'snot his responsibility. Positive thinking and defending himself is not the way to sort this. What if there is a gang? What if they have a knife? What if your child gets seriously hurt?
Stop with the bullshit, contact the school and insist they keep your child safe.

Trendy1 · 28/02/2018 12:26

I HAVE read the whole thread, but where does OP say that he is definitely being bullied? He says he has friends, can't OP speak to them?

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/02/2018 12:26

As a mum of a y8, I understand your frustration with DH, but clearly something serious is the matter.

Go in and talk to the HoY, and look for a solution together. Keep talking daily (!) Then weekly until things are resolved.

Your poor boy, he needs help..

ForgivenessIsDivine · 28/02/2018 12:27

I haven't read the replies but wanted to sympathise. I have a child who was unhappy at school. It tore my heart to pieces and I was unable to separate from her pain. I cried nearly more than she did.

We used yoga, reiki, letting go and setting intentions for the day (they were never related to the issues, which we never actually got to the bottom of). It really did make her calmer. I also used Bach Flowers.. pm me if you want more information on this one.. they could help you and him through this.

I think it is important to try to get to the bottom of the bullying and find him some support at school by talking to the parents of the friends he does have to see if they can encourage their children to look out for your child.

Qvar · 28/02/2018 12:27

Oh my god

your child's being bullied and your response is " 'it 'im back, mahh son!"

And 'tough love' at his obvious deep distress

your poor kid. I'm glad he has got a dad who will undermine you. You need to be undermined.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/02/2018 12:28

where does OP say that he is definitely being bullied

Near the end of the first page.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 28/02/2018 12:28

Trendy1 The OP said at 11.59 He says he's being bullied.

fleshmarketclose · 28/02/2018 12:29

Trendy
kissmethere Wed 28-Feb-18 11:59:47
Sorry, I'm absolutely not avoiding the question of what the problem is. I didn't mean to skip past it.
He says he's being bullied.

Lizzie48 · 28/02/2018 12:29

The OP has said that her DS has is being bullied in an update on this thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread