DH came back with DS after difficult morning

[kissmethere]

What would you think?
DS is having a bit of a tough time at school. We've talked it through and I'm TRYING to get him through this tough time with positive attitude, thinking, actions etc.
So this morning DS is crumpled up and not wanting to go to school. He has stomach ache, crying and I admit I got on to the tough love way of dealing with it. I didn't feel good about it bit reverted to the "up and out" way of dealing with it. DH was leaving at the same time and they both went out the door. 2 minutes later he's back with DS saying he's in no fit state and people are looking because DS is crying ☹️.
DH knows how difficult mornings can be with DS not wanting to go to school and I'm thinking, why didn't you walk him there? It's minutes away! I offered DS to walk with him and he didn't want me to, understandably, he's 12. DH said "I have to go I'm going to be late."He works FT and I'm PT but I feel like he totally didn't take a role in what's going on here. I'm TRYING to get DS past this. We're talking things through, I'm basically now at the stage where I'll need to speak to his head of year about how he's feeling and am absolutely on top of this.
So, maybe this is an example of feeling unsupported? Dcs are number 1 priority. Does this make sense? Did I do the wrong thing this morning? DS is currently back in bed and I've called the school to say I'd like a call back and he's not feeling well. Bigger picture is DH and I are at different roads re work and I'm thinking marriage wise as well now. I could go on🙁

I once got one of mine out of the door on the way to school (less than 5 minutes walk) and realised that "they were in no fit state for school".
Tough love works to an extent, but to be honest your DS is very near if not already at the point where if he really doesn't want to go you can't make him. He may not have realised that yet, but he soon will.

He sounds very upset. I am amazed you haven't been in dialogue with school before now. Sorry but I am. He has already been seen by CAMHS - do you have a diagnosis? Is the school SENCO already involved?
To be honest he sounds as if he has some kind of pre-existing SN/mental health need. If he had a damaged leg, would you just let him stop physiotherapy because it was uncomfortable?

The fact that lots of parents have to modify their lives because of children's special needs is why there are benefits like DLA.

YANBU to be fed up that your DH has just dumped this on you and left you to cope.

I have a son and a daughter with autism, that mum is doing her child untold damage starlight.Poor child,all behaviour is communication and if he submits to his mother's will only after two hours then there is something really wrong for him at that school.That the school allows this situation to continue tells me it is a shit school, poor poor child. If she was a good mother she would be listening to what her child is telling her through her child's behaviour and she would be getting him the support needed to either attend the schoolhe is in happilyor find an alternative placement.

DH has put his son first by putting his wellbeing and mental health before school and his wifes tough love parenting, I would undermine anyone and let anyone down who tried to do this to my children.

What exactely has the DH done to protect his ds well-being and mental health?
Has he talked to the OP about how to approach the issue?
Has he talked to his ds about what is happening at school?
Has he taken him to see the GP, contact CAMHS or seen the HoY to understand what is going on?
Has he taken the time this morning to speak to his child, even if it made slightly late for work? Or just walked with him to school as an emotional support?

Nope he did none of that.

But he did refuse to do something that made feel crap (just like it did to the OP btw) and then dumped the issue of what to do with said child to the OP by running away to work.

So the excuse of him being such a good father who is looking for his ds is rubbish. Not when he is leaving all the responsibility for sorting the problem out to the OP. If he was so againstbwhatbthe OP is doing, he should be taking the lead and start doing something.

This... It sounds like you wanted your DH to put getting to work on hold for a few minutes so he could deal with the situation with DS and be his "pillar" and show DS that he was his priority over getting to work on time.
It sounds to me like you feel you're on your own trying to sort this out, and help your son. And, if possible (ie if he wasn't going to lose his job) I think your DH should have stayed with your son, talked to him, and tried to encourage him to go to school. It sounds like he didn't do much.
Good luck with sorting it out with the school. I know it must be really stressful which is probably feeding in to your relationship with your DH, but try to swallow your annoyance with your husband and have a good chat tonight to work out your joint approach. Good luck and hugs to your DS!

The fact that lots of parents have to modify their lives because of children's special needs is why there are benefits like DLA.

Sorry but that made me laugh.
Getting to the point where you can get ten DLA is a very long and hard road.
And the child still needs to go to school.

I had a really terrible year at school in year seven and have only really dealt with it in adult life. My parents regret not just saying ‘fuck it’ and letting me have some time off when I needed it. They were in professions that should maybe have known better.

I’d like to think nowadays I’d have got much more support from school and CAMHS. I was depressed, lacking in social skills, and being bullied was the last straw.

It is however really difficult to know when that line has been crossed.

Get him back to camhs
Call youngminds.org for advice
Try specific support like
www.schoolrefusal.co.uk/donts.htm

Speak to school and LEA about services that might be available like alternative school units temporarily

fleshmarket she is waiting on a placement. It is a lovely school with a wing for autism/emotional difficulties/SN.
He just doesn't want to go.
Autism is complex and must be horrible to have to cope with those issues every day. But what's the alternative? Let them sit at home in front of the telly, having no education and ultimately a life as a hermit on benefits? As to me that would limit their future more than the effort of school. Even if only 1 day a week.
I am not an expert though. Just seeing through my own eyes and obviously those parents know more than me.

DH has put his son first by putting his wellbeing and mental health before school and his wifes tough love parenting, I would undermine anyone and let anyone down who tried to do this to my children.
Why should he have to follow her lead? Especially when its the wrong one, they are both the parents.

Perhaps, but you'll notice that DH immediately pissed off to work after saying he was too upset to go and left his wife, with her own job, to deal with it. It's fine and dandy to say that he has a right to do it differently, but he has done nothing except dump the problem back with the parent you say is the problem!

Call Cahms again.

Tell your DS that talking to someone is not optional under the circumstances.

You need to find out what's going on. Perhaps the school isn't a good fit.

And you need to get your DH actively involved. He doesn't just get to criticize (or let you down because he was embarrassed to be dealing with your crying 12 year old gasp in public, and then do nothing himself. He needs to step up as a parent, too.

And I say that as a family who has had to move a child because he was being bullied mercilessly in primary school, and the school made it worse instead of better. Run by bullies themselves! But both myself and my DH were completely on board with getting it sorted and on it. He took time off when he needed to to go to meetings and visit other schools, because our children are our priority, not just mine.

Yes but it's not that he doesn't want to go for no reason, it's more that nobody has established why he doesn't want to go and instead the school and his mother are forcing him to comply against his will and that is never right.
If they are awaiting a different placement then obviously the school is not the right place for that child. Continuing as she is the mother is just prolonging the child's pain because there is no impetus on the LA to have the child in a different placement when she makes her child attend elsewhere.
It would be far better for the child and to force the LA's hand to say enough is enough and refuse to subject her child to the daily ordeal. Nothing focuses the LA's mind more than a school complaining that their attendance figures are taking a hit whilst the parent applies pressure following advice from IPSEA and SOSSEN to get the child a placement to meet a child's needs.
I speak from experience I am currently in battle again with the LA as I did for ds and I can tell you that ignoring your child's distress is never the right thing no matter what pressure the school or LA applies.

OP you haven't said much about what the issues and and what is the reason for his difficult time that is making him so reluctant to go to school.
I had a similar issue with one of my ds, he was a little bit younger (8-9). He was being bullied. The teacher was also bullying him and supporting the bullying. He didn't realise himself that he was being bullied and couldn't really explain it to us because is had just become normal for him.

He has another teacher now, who is very, very supportive of him and has (pretty much) put a stop to the bullying. It has taken time but he loves going to school now and is much more emotionally balanced.

Sorry that was for Starlight as for living as a hermit on benefits if a child doesn't attend school I'd imagine being forced into school against a child's will would cause mental health difficulties that will have far reaching effects as well.

OP this is so tough. Been there twice. Stomach aches are real physical problems to the stress (bit like a migraine). The strategy that worked for us was that they had to go to school but could go to the school nurse for 'time out'. It then became a problem as the school couldn't afford a school nurse anymore. The (overworked) head of year and her deputy took over - luckily my child is bright enough to help them out with admin tasks like collating trip slips etc. They slowly spent more days in the classroom. It is really hard work as you fell they should be more grown up at this stage but go into the working secondary school environment during the day and its scary.
Put effort in to inviting friends round, getting him to join clubs, do sleepovers etc etc anything to build confidence and a stable friendship group. Talk openly with as many people at school. I am sure you are doing this already but give him lots of hugs but you know it does come down to 'tough love' in getting him to go sometimes. I found it very difficult not to be resentful sometimes though when it affected my plans and they were tucked up in bed when they were supposed to be at school.
It was really really tough but my youngest is now at school in a fairly loose but respectful friendship group and you wouldn't have realised anything like this would have happened. Teachers don't hold it against her either - they get this all the time.

Poor lad, it sounds awful. His mental health has to be your priority here and fast..... he's at a dreadfully vulnerable age and if the school issues aren't being addressed quickly enough (him not wanting to go in sounds like they aren't) then you have to act for him. His voice isn't being heard, and that can do a hell of a lot of damage. My eldest DD had to come out of the school system at 13 and I deeply regret not doing it for her sooner.

@fleshmarketclose completely agree. Children can't cope with these situations and don't have the tools to.
Instead of tough love we should be giving a shit. Doing anything we can to figure out why the distress and the putting a stop to it. These things stick with children.

I am never sure about these kinds of issues. What is your family set up?Do all decisions need to be joint decisions? Yes your son is going through a difficult time. You need to come up with a workable strategy to manage that between you and implement it.

For example DH has taken a step back in his career working part time for himself so he can be the one to resolve these kinds of issues with our kids, 2 of whom have AN so we have lots of similar issues. Today for example was a snow day. I don’t think about what will happen unless he asks me to intervene because that is how our family system is set up.

My job (teaching) simply does not have the inbuilt flexibility. We do discuss things. We do come to joint decisions but ultimately the split is I earn most of the money and he does term time family stuff. (Holiday time I do everything.) Yiu might have a DH problem, you might not, you certainly have an issue you need to resolve with your DS and you should determine the best course of action between you.

I was very unhappy at school about the same age. Reasons i won’t go into.

I remember that one turning point when i came downstairs crying with “stomach ache”. I was fine physically. My mum made me go into school.

I never tried to get out of school again because i knew it wouldn’t work. Instead i went physically, but completely disengaged. Sat at the back in lessons reading a book or magazine under the table, found somewhere i could sit on my own at lunch and break.

At that age i didn’t have the maturity to even realise that changing schools was an option.

He’s unhappy. In the short term let him stay off while you figure out the causes. A few days off will do less damage to his education than him going in so upset he can’t concentrate.

Long term both of you, and the school, need to see if the problems can be fixed in his current school. If the issue is your son, then chances are with good support they will. If it is others- bullying, the school culture, then you might look at moving.

If someone had offered me a new school at 12 i’d have jumped at it. My mum did move my sister - not because she was unhappy but because i’d done so badly- I wish she’s moved me.

You and DH should have discussed your DS's issues previous to this morning and made absolutely sure you are "singing from the same hymn sheet".
It would worry me that, by disagreeing over the way to handle today, if the other problems you allude to in your post, come to end your marriage, your already struggling DS will feel he contributed to this. Of course I/you know he will be in no way to blame, but why put him under even more stress?

Is he being bullied at school? I really don't know why kids are encouraged to "tough" it out, adults wouldn't be expected to and they have more developed coping skills.

Your child needs more support than he has and you need to get onto that asap. Don't get too caught up in what your DH is or isn't doing, focus on what your DS needs. He needs to go back to CAMHS. Not wanting to speak to someone was never a good enough excuse for them to discharge you. You could have spoken on his behalf. Don't make him go back into school without a solid plan for supporting him. Find out what he needs and ask the school how they are going to implement it.

Thank you so much for all your replies.
DS has now had porridge for breakfast and hasn't stopped talking since my last post. Just about general things, not the issue at hand but this is what usually happens.
I feel totally fogged at the moment and a bit knotted in my stomach thinking about it all. Please bear with me while I read all your posts.
As much as I hoped my approach was for the best it's true I can't let him keep missing school because of bad mornings. I believe this is anxiety and I think I'm fearful he will become a school refuser. The pastoral aspect of this school is not familiar although he has great support in his primary school.
I don't even want to think about DH at the moment.

newcar I understand that parents find it difficult to take a stand for their child because of the unspoken supposed authority that comes from the school.
Dd's school was most perplexed when I informed them that I wasn't going to force dd to attend,they were astounded when I replied to their letter about her attendance with a "bring it on" response and do you know the consequences to my actions? Nothing! I have seen hide nor hair of EWO,I've had no further letters about dd's attendance other than to tell me that if dd attends of her own free will at any time on any day the school will mark her as attending for a full day and any other absences will be authorised. And simultaneously I've secured an educational law firm to force the LA to secure a placement that meets her needs.
Dd attends 50 minutes 4 times a week of her own free will,if the time increases it will be because dd wants to increase it when the support meets her needs but it won't be because the school demands it or because I am threatened with fines or court.

We actually discussed it last night, he was working late but he did ask how DSs day had gone and he would talk to him about anything if needed. But this morning was like a dump and run so I'm thinking " well in your own time"
Anyway...

I think you're possibly being too harsh on your DH. It's an awful situation and he disagrees on the best way forward for your son. That's OK. You need external help to figure out what's best to do. Both courses (forcing attendance, letting your son refuse) could have longer term serious consequences for your son. If it were me, I'd favour the latter - I think forcing attendance risks more harm than letting your DS stay home - whilst trying to get help, but I can see why you've chosen the former.

Talk to you son, talk to your DH (without getting angry), talk to the school (not just email!), and arrange some family therapy and counselling just for your son.

OP, you’re avoiding the question about why he doesn’t want to go. Is he being bullied?

I’ve never forgiven my parents for sending me back day after day when I was being bullied.

You’re obviously not on top of it if it’s got to this point without talking to anybody.

Please don’t force him to go in if he’s this distressed. He trusts you to protect him and that trust will be broken if you force him in.

kissme your son won't become a school refuser because you are listening to him and deciding that he isn't fit today to be in school. Trying to force him into school and not getting him the support he needs will be more likely to make your child a refuser.