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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 26/02/2018 10:02

Yep. You were in the wrong. This has nothing to do with his father's dp. Why should she be put in the position of being responsible for your child?

myrtleWilson · 26/02/2018 10:05

I can see how frustrating it must be if your son’s father isn’t taking care of his needs but yeah messaging his girlfriend wasn’t on. Did your son ask his Dad for socks? I guess the early stat

myrtleWilson · 26/02/2018 10:06

Sorry! The early start would have meant he was sleepy but I know some children at that age are fastidious about clothes. Now you’ve got his attention hopefully you can get some sense into him

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:07

Because she has ds staying in her house and has chosen to be with someone who has a child. If he had replied or learnt from last time I wouldn't of needed to. My ds was in pain and I didn't know what else to do.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 26/02/2018 10:07

Yeah sorry I don’t understand why it’s anything to do with his DP? He’s the father, he is responsible - if he doesn’t respond to your messages that it doesn’t mean you should try her instead. It seems like you’re trying to put the responsibility on her, it’s not fair to expect her to pick up the slack if he isn’t.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/02/2018 10:08

I'd message back

THEN FUCKING REPLY WHEN I CONTACT YOU ABOUT OUR CHILD'S WELFARE!!!!!

PinkHeart5914 · 26/02/2018 10:08

Yes I think it’s odd you messaged his dp tbh, I mean she is not the child’s parent so I’m a bit lost as to why you you messaged her. She’s not your ex mother either what do you think she’s going to do put him on the naughty step? Confused

I am assuming your ex took your son home in a car as you say it’s a 30 minute drive, so not having socks on I don’t think is a huge deal I mean most cars have heating and his hardly going to freeze from the car to your front door.

hatefulgreatful · 26/02/2018 10:11

I don't think you were wrong to message her as you've tried to get through to his dad. maybe explain to him that if you'd had a reply off him then you would've felt reassured and not had to message gf.
As long as you're not messaging her all the time then I don't see the problem

Lonesurvivor · 26/02/2018 10:11

I suppose it's probably not the right way of doing things but I'll be honest if my child came home that cold and it was a regular thing I would do what I had to to make sure it didn't happen again.
You've tried the reasonable approach and been ignored so you had to do something.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/02/2018 10:12

Yes, I don’t understand that either. How did his feet get that cold in a car?

Re contacting his partner, YABU, sounds like stirring.

And you are vv unreasonable criticising him for not cutting nails or washing ears when they don’t need to be done every day.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:14

I really wouldn't usually involve her but it's just basic care and not the first time! My ds was just told to get his shoes on and to hurry up. If there's no time to put socks on then he needs to bring him back the night before I guess.
They live together so she has some duty of care towards my ds. Should be up to df but he doesn't learn or listen.
They are taking ds abroad in May and I'm worried about sun cream and hat etc

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 10:15

I can understand what led to you doing that, but no it wasn't right to email your ex's DP about it. She has her own 3 DCs to think about. I get why you were annoyed, though, as your DS's feet were cold and he has a verruca.

It is worrying though that your ex was more concerned about you contacting his DP than about responding to your original message about your DS.

IHATEPeppaPig · 26/02/2018 10:15

Well it's got his attention hasn't it - I'd reply with the message pp said about ignoring your messages.

ghostyslovesheets · 26/02/2018 10:15

he was in a car with shoes on - I'm not sure who he was so dramatically cold - but it's not her responsibility it's his

upsideup · 26/02/2018 10:18

YABU to message his DP, its nothing to do with her and not something she should be made to feel bad about. I also dont cut my 4 year olds nails everyday so I dont think that is something you should complain about.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:19

I said I'm not bothered about ears etc as they don't need doing everyday. I am anything but a stirrer which is why I've spoken to him before and messaged him when it happened again. His feet weren't just a little cold, they were hurting and absolutely freezing. If I knew he had taken it on board I'd of left it but where we live is colder than other parts and it's given -8. I guess I just didn't want to see it happening again for my son's sake

OP posts:
upsideup · 26/02/2018 10:21

I wouldnt think neccesarily to put socks on my DS in the car, they wouldnt of got that cold, just not as warm as when they were in the house as you were actively warming them up.
You should slowly let his hand and feet warm up also, if you make them warm up quickly they are going to hurt.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:24

Yadbu.
Potentially as they live together now ExP might poo Rio the shops ex and leave her with him. She isn't some stranger with no link to your child, she's pretty much his step mother.

If she came on saying I see DP always taking his son out dressed inappropriately but I don't say anything because he's not mine, however today it was literally freezing, DS again wasn't dressed and I knew he'd end up so cold here was inn person, aibu to just ignore out, its how puerile would say she needs to speak up.

Did she telly to your?

StormTreader · 26/02/2018 10:25

Surely he should have got your son dressed before they left? The lack of socks was accompanied by the lack of almost everything else, -4 is too cold to be out in pajamas!

Purplejay · 26/02/2018 10:25

No you shouldn’t have messaged his DP about this but having done so (and I understand why you would) my response to him would be ‘if you had answered your messages I wouldn’t have needed to!’. Responsibiliy for you DS is his though. It is not for her to tell him what to do. If he chooses to pass some of that responsibility to her while he has care of your DS, that is a matter for them.

QueenB14 · 26/02/2018 10:27

What Fizzy said

DancesWithOtters · 26/02/2018 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:29

I just feel it's a basic need to wear socks in February. The car hadnt been warmed up. His df wouldn't go out without socks on. Off he went to school with no socks on and freezing feet I'm sure I would be told. I know this isn't her responsibility but he hadn't made sure he was warm enough. I was extremely polite and apologetic and didn't ask her to put socks on him, merely remind df. He clearly hadn't told her about verucca either so her kids could now have them.
If my dp's ds didn't have something he needed at mine i wouldn't think he's not my responsibility, I would just get it him. I don't think it is up to her but she also has a duty of care if he's there

OP posts:
Marcine · 26/02/2018 10:30

Not wearing socks in the car sounds like a bit of a non issue, and nothing to do with his gf.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/02/2018 10:30

It’s not her responsibility.

However, I wouldn’t be beyond doing that to piss him off if he was ignoring me, if I though it would change his behaviour.

Next time he wants to return DS early in the morning, say no.

Make sure your DS can apply his own sunscreen and knows how often he needs to do so. And to wear a hat. He shouldn’t HAVE to be responsible for himself, but at least if he is it will reduce the risk of sunburn. Or just say he’s not going as you can’t trust his Dad to look after him properly.

It’s bloody freezing out there today, of course a kid is going to get freezing feet without socks on at 7am. Even in the car, if the dickhead doesn’t put the heating on ir if it’s ineffective in the back. I’m sure the OP knows how cold her child’s feet were.