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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
TheCatsMother44 · 26/02/2018 10:30

I can see why you messaged her, your ex clearly doesn't listen and wasn't responding, but the only thing I'd say is be careful because if you start involving her now you can't backtrack and get annoyed if she takes over your son's care which is what I see so many women get annoyed about on here.

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 10:32

They live together so she has some duty of care towards my ds

It’s your ex that needs to provide the duty of care not his gf, she doesn’t have to get up and run around making sure your son is dressed properly, that’s on your ex. She has 3 of her own kids to look after..

YABU to contact her, it’s nothing to do with her. Sounds like you wanted to have an argument so when you never got it from your ex you tried his new gf to get it, I don’t understand why you would even bring up an mention cutting his nails etc

Thebluedog · 26/02/2018 10:33

I know it’s massivly frustrating when the ex dh are crap with your dc but I’d not have messaged his DF. Only time I’d do that is for an absolute emergency. It’s really not her responsibility to ensure your dc has socks on.

HoHoHoHo · 26/02/2018 10:33

You were 100% wrong to message his dp. As a society we expect women to pick up the slack for men's poor parenting which let's men get away with it. And cold feet aren't the end of the world and I'm quite surprised a 5 year old wouldn't have asked for socks if they were that cold.

ladyedith · 26/02/2018 10:33

YABU and sexist. You're expecting her to do his wife work.

PhelanThePain · 26/02/2018 10:33

Well you did it to get a reaction and you got a reaction. Why cause a storm then cry when it rains on you?

KanyeWesticle · 26/02/2018 10:33

It is nothing to do with his DP.
If your Ex-DP isn't capable of caring for his son to an acceptable degree - that's a court issue.

DancesWithOtters · 26/02/2018 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarthaArthur · 26/02/2018 10:34

Op MN is a weird place. Yes your son is his girlfriends responsibility if she is living in the house and choosing to be in a relationship with a man with a child. You were NOT wrong at all. I would seriously consider if his father is capable of looking after him if his basic needs are met. Cant believe someone actually tried to turn this around on your son saying children can be hard to dress in mornings.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 10:35

I would be very annoyed if I found out that my DH hadn't made sure my DDs were properly dressed with coats and gloves, and definitely socks and shoes. Not in pyjamas with no socks. It sounds as if her DS's dad didn't warm his car up properly, in which case it would have been freezing. Hmm

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:36

If you had felt his feet you would realise it's not a non issue! Like a pp said dp is not some stranger to my ds. Why would you not want to care for a potential dsc child in your home ? I absolutely agree it's down to him but this and several other incidents suggest he doesn't take responsibility

OP posts:
flumpybear · 26/02/2018 10:36

I'm with fizzy ..... he's bothered about a polite meaaage to girlfriend but do any five a shit about his child's welfare - he needs a freaking head wobble

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 10:36

I think you were wrong too. You could have reiterated it very clearly the next time he picked him up. You didn't need to contact either of them immediately.

Also I'm confused about the ear cleaning and nail trimming comment. If he's only at his dads a few days then neither of them will need doing so why mention it in your post?

Withhindsight · 26/02/2018 10:40

I can't see that you did anything wrong. You tried the correct route, he ignored you, so for your child's welfare you did the next best thing, let's hope the penny has dropped and he'll take care of DS properly although it does sound like there is more to his general behaviour being rubbish. Get an all in one for holiday, think some swimsuits come with hoodies

pumpkinpie01 · 26/02/2018 10:40

I think you were quite reasonable to message her, my ex used to ignore me all the time even when it was an important message so I would message his gf starting the text with ' Im being ignored but this is important can you please ensure/tell him .... ' If she has chosen to be with someone rude she can pick up the slack for him ! That was my attitude

Talith · 26/02/2018 10:41

Under the circs I don't think you were unreasonable. As others have said, if he responded to your messages then you wouldn't have been cornered over the issue. It is a big deal - the fact that he couldn't even put clothes on the kid and instead bumrushed him out in pyjamas in winter would piss me right off to begin with.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/02/2018 10:42

Honestly OP, I think if you hadn’t had that to complain about it would have been something else. It’s just so melodramatic. No wonder he doesn’t respond to you.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:42

YABU and sexist. You're expecting her to do his wife work

If ExP note lived with a boyfriend and the boyfriends kids would it be ok to message him because it's not sexist? She didn't message her because she has a vagina but because she's the other adult on the house.

If partner isn't up, doesn't give a damn if this random kid who stays in her house gets cold, she'll at least hopefully tell DP to parent better so she stops getting messages

Katyb1310 · 26/02/2018 10:43

I don't think you were wrong at all to message her. If I were in her position I wouldn't mind that. I have a friend whose partner has 2 boys from a previous relationship and my friend plays as much of a role in their care as her partner does and has no issue with being the one to be in contact with their mum.

ladyedith · 26/02/2018 10:44

OP: AIBU?
Virtually the whole of MN: Yes.
OP: no I'm not!

OP even if he's not taking responsibility its not her problem. Why should she facilitate his irresponsibility? Can you imagine a dad texting the mother's bf about socks? Hmm

upsideup · 26/02/2018 10:44

I have a DSD, shes an adult now but when she was was 4 I looked after her properly and love her just as much as I now love my own DC.
I would get messages from her DM complaining she has a cold, shes got pen on her face, dirt in her nails, odd socks on, messy hair anything she could find issue and thats insulting. It's shit being told your looking after your own child wrong but to be told you looking after someelses is ridiculous and my my DP would go mad when it happened.
You gave him less than 3 hours to reply and you knew he was at work, before you started throwing blame at a woman who wasnt even in the car.

WashingMatilda · 26/02/2018 10:44

. I know this isn't her responsibility

Clearly you'd don't know that.

You don't even know that she was aware of him leaving without socks, as you stated yourself it was very early.

The treatment of step parents (mainly stepmums) on MN is so hypocritical.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:45

The ear thing was just to point out that I don't look for things to get upset about cos I expected to be accused of looking for an argument when believe me it's the last thing I want. If it was the first time anything like this had happened I would of just mentioned it to him and left it but it's not. I don't expect her to dress him or anything but if past experiences are anything to go by it will happen again and even if by messaging her she says I don't want another message of your ex so make sure you put socks on him then it's worked. I'm not sexist and don't expect her to do all the work but taking to him got me nowhere.
My ds has had problems with his ears which cause him to have a lot of colds so I guess I am a bit protective but who wants to see their child ill or cold?
His feet probably weren't cold when he first got out of bed and he was just hurried into the car

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 10:45

Maybe he couldn't respond immediately? Sometimes people read a message but are in the middle of something. Imo this messaging both ex and his partner so soon after the child was dropped off is pretty obvious the OP was FUMMING and wanted to get her point accross when in reality she could have told the ex about how cold the DC's feet were the next time he picked him up.

Qvar · 26/02/2018 10:45

I don't think you were wrong to draw his neglect to her attention.

At that time in the morning she possibly wasn't even out of bed herself, and even if she was it's not her responsibility to dress your son

BUT

A man who doesn't even bother dressing his own son appropriately may be a man she doesn't want in her kids' lives. And all you've really done is point out to her that he's a shit father who doesn't look after children properly.

THAT is why he's so angry with you. If she had been watching, your son would have been dressed properly, not because she ensured it but just because her presence would have ensured it. But because she wasn't watching, he brought a small child out in subzero temperatures inadequately dressed.

It was -2 at 6 am here. Hat scarf and gloves weather. It doesn't matter that he was in the car, he was simply sitting in -2 rather than walking in it. Cars don't stay warm overnight.

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