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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 14:15

This is 10 mins worth of snow. Conditions here aren't great and it's just common sense to wrap up!

To message his girlfriend about socks?
OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 14:20

I mean this kindly OP but I think you need to let this go now! You've spoken to ex and messaged his gf so hopefully Ds won't come home sock less ever again.

I'm confused to why you keep adding bits that have already been said!

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 14:23

I got an old notification and thought it was a new comment

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 27/02/2018 15:30

Thing is OP what you don't seem to be getting is that it doesn't matter how much he forgets or how irresponsible he is, it's still not his partners problem and certainly not your right to message her on Facebook.

It'd be one thing if you had her number but to message her on Facebook crosses another invisible line by miles.

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 15:45

CurlyRover

Who really cares if it works? At least ex is paying attention now his DP knows what an incompetent arse he is.

certainly not your right to message her on Facebook

It's not a human right not to be contacted on FB.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 16:17

For those of you who say she shouldn't have messaged the GF, wouldn't you want to know that your DC were sharing a room with a child who had verrucas? So you could take precautions? That's something you've all failed to address. Do you really think the ex will have mentioned it??

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:00

The best solution might have been to message them both about the verrucas, as it was relevant to both of them, but just speak to your ex about the socks as it wasn't appropriate to mention the socks to her?

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 17:04

Time will tell I guess. Just got fed up of asking over basics and explained to dp that I'd spoke to him more than once about it so she knew I wasn't just expecting her to do it. If it has made a difference to my ds then it doesn't really matter if its crossing some unwritten fb rule and there are security settings on there to prevent people you aren't friends with contacting you.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 27/02/2018 17:06

For those of you who say she shouldn't have messaged the GF, wouldn't you want to know that your DC were sharing a room with a child who had verrucas? So you could take precautions?

Yes, and I would have expected the child's father to tell me.

OP has put her ex's partner in the position of either messenger or mother to her ex. Communicating about the children should be done by the parents. If they have issues communicating, that is not the problem of any new partner.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 17:06

Lizzie as I've said before it was the way the OP went about it. Texting so soon after he'd dropped the boy off because the OP was angry.

A phone call later on in the evening to explain again that DS had had very cold feet and to ask to please put socks on him would have been much more effective, then perhaps bringing up the verucca too.

It's never a good idea to text when you're annoyed.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 17:08

I told him about the verucca's 2 1/2 weeks ago.
The problem is he knows I've asked him to put socks on ds and has continued not to knowing I'll see so it makes you wonder what's happening that I don't see but can't control that so just got to hope the sock thing is an isolated incident

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:12

No but you wouldn't want your DC to get verrucas surely? Even if the information came from the ex? It's about keeping the DCs healthy surely? So you'd rather not know about the verrucas than have to hear it from your partner's ex. That makes no sense at all.

If the dad wasn't so useless it wouldn't be an issue.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 17:13

Do you know that he hasn't told her about the verucca?

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:14

I agree there, @GreatDuckCookery it would have been better to do it that way. But we all make the wrong decisions when angry.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2018 17:14

I will admit that I haven't RTFT or really followed much past page 6. But was your split with him acrimonious?

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:15

No we don't know he hasn't told her about the verruca. But knowing what the OP has said about her ex, it's not very likely.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 17:17

But the verucca issue might not even exist. He might have told his DP. It just seems like another thing the OP is clinging on to.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 17:19

I don't get this nothing to do with the dp thing. Surely if they want to take the dc on holiday, days out, round to family, have them at Christmas and birthdays, put pics on fb of them etc then they are accepting some form of responsibility?! I'm not saying be a parent to them but if the parent is failing at something then it's just human nature to help out? I wouldn't see my dp ds suffer cos he's not blood related! That's not in relation to the socks, I get she was probably still in bed

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:21

Maybe. But if it was true, I expect it would be good to know about it. I don't think there's any reason for the OP to make that one up?

The socks issue isn't one to involve the GF with. A verruca problem, though, is. If it wasn't mentioned and the GF's DC ended up with verrucas can you imagine a thread started by the GF??

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 17:22

It's the way you did it why he's angry! Can't you see that?

You're not going about building a good relationship with her by sending messages on FB first thing in the morning when your Ds had just left and immediately after texting the ex.

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2018 17:23

I will also add that I don't think yabu, if a woman is going to have a committed relationship with a man with children then she is also assuming responsibility for the child. Of course the buck lies with the actual parent but there we go. He and you now come as a package deal.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:27

Wow, you dropped the question about the verrucas very quickly, @GreatDuckCookery probably because it doesn't fit with your argument??

I don't think the message was sent to the GF first thing in the morning?

And if they're planning a holiday together then surely the GF will be partially responsible for her DSS. My DSis certainly took a lot of responsibility for her DSS when he was staying with his dad.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 17:27

Well if my dp told me his ds had a verucca my ds wouldn't be walking around with no socks on! Not clinging to anything. Just didn't like to see my son needlessly in pain Again!
I found out he had got in 1000's of pound's worth of debt behind my back and had his post sent next door in the hope I would never find out. He showed me his money was in shares and that's why I had to pay for everything... he had printed fake shares out at the library, complete with logo and a forged signature. He hadn't paid car insurance and was driving the kids about without any but despite all that I let him live at mine until he found somewhere suitable to have ds overnight and I helped him furnish it so wasn't acrimonious but would of been within my rights to have been!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 17:29

Or will she put suncream on her DCs, it say, sorry not my job to make sure my DSS has suncream on. Oh dear, he's been sunburnt, not my responsibility.

It doesn't work like that, does it??

Birdsgottafly · 27/02/2018 17:30

YANBU.

As said, if you have a child to stay in your home, especially as a Stepchild, them every Adult in that house should ensure that the child's needs are being met.

If it went a bit further and something happened, the police/Courts/SS certainly wouldn't take the view that it wasn't the Stepparent's responsibility.

You could have done it sneakily and made it about the Verruca, but you didn't and was straight.

He doesn't like being made a show of, well he needs to look after is Son properly, then. Or she needs to address what happens in a child partly in her Care, which a Stepchild is when they stay in your home, in Law and morally.

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