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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:14

Backscratcher your example is not comparable to having no socks on whilst IN a warm car. Ridiculous.

Backscratchesforever · 26/02/2018 11:15

In some older cars it takes 20 mins for the heating to even warm up!
My car is one of them.

Plus you aren’t even meant to put kids in car seats with padded coats.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/02/2018 11:15

to the point of causing physical damage.

His feet were a bit cold. It didn’t do any damage.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 11:15

Elton - surely the ex should have clothes at his home for DS? Why is it OP's responsibility to provide all clothing?

BatFaced · 26/02/2018 11:16

These men babies are just useless. I figure it's two days a fortnight, the 'general' care is good so what can you do? Encourage your child to gradually become more independent is the solution. All you can do if there is no outright neglect

BluePheasant · 26/02/2018 11:16

YWBU to text his GF but I can understand that it came from frustration on your part. As PP have said I would simply say to him you did it because you were being ignored. Don’t apologise but also don’t do it again as it is clearly only gong to aggrievate him.
He sounds like a selfish shit tbh. I can’t believe some ppl on here don’t think it’s not problem to not properly dress a child for a car journey so early in the morning in freezing temperatures, of course his poor feet were frozen!

I wouldn’t be thrilled about the holiday either. Try and drum it into DS about wearing suncream and hats, never know he might remind his DF himself if he forgets.

upsideup · 26/02/2018 11:16

Why is it OP's responsibility to provide all clothing?

No, its probably the Ex's gf's responsability to do that aswell.

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:18

I said he can bring him back this morning to save him an extra journey but will just say no in future. He doesn't gain any quality time by staying the extra night.

I appreciate all replies but would you take your child out with no socks on at 6.40 am in a frozen car? If they were just a little chilly I'd of just mentioned it next time I see him but they were absolutely freezing and that's not an exaggeration.

If his dp had been the one to contact me about verucca or whatever i wouldn't of taken offence

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:20

You're not wrong to be annoyed about the no socks! It's the fact you messaged the partner when your ex didn't reply immediately when you could have spoken to him next time you see him!

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:21

It was not a warm car!
I do not expect her to provide clothes for him but seeing as his df ignored my last request to keep him warm I went to next adult in the house

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:23

I've tried in the past to talk to him. It didn't work plus if he doesn't pick him up from me like on Friday then how can i talk to him? I wanted a reply so I knew he had listened and reduce the risk of it happening again

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:23

What difference do you think it would have made if you'd left it till next time you see him to bring it up?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2018 11:26

I'm a sufferer of cold feet and it happens quickly, it's miserable.

OP, whether it was or wasn't the right thing to do, you've done it and to be honest, I would have too. I imagine that your ex's partner has possibly told him to do it as well and that's why he's got the hump. If I were his partner I would say something to him about making sure his child was warm and I can't imagine any woman or other reasonable person not doing that really.

You could try and circumvent this, send your son with ugg-type boots that are furry and warm-lined, but you shouldn't have to. I would do that though, my son's feet would be more important. If time is limited then that might be a solution.

I would also go with FizzyGreen's response and remind him that you only discuss matters related to his child so no need for hostility.

PhelanThePain · 26/02/2018 11:28

Never got cross with him then?

Yes. What does that have to do with his wife? Confused I got cross with him, the right person to be cross with.

I was more pointing to those posts that don’t consider drop off with cold feet a big deal.

Ok. Different issue then. Yes, big deal. I’d Be livid. With him.

PeonyTruffle · 26/02/2018 11:31

I don’t think YABU, it’s hardly a massive deal is it to check that your DS has a pair of socks on, especially if she is already making sure her own DC have theirs on. Yes I KNOW it should be your DS’s Dad who is responsible for his wellbeing ultimately but it’s a pair of socks, I don’t see the problem.

I wouldn’t mind in the slightest if my DH’s ex text me to ask me to do it for my DSC

pasanda · 26/02/2018 11:31

OP - was the girlfriend pissed off you sent her a text?

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:31

Thank you.
I really couldn't of been any politer and believe me I wish it would of just sunk in last time.
I think him texting he is LIVID I contacted dp is an odd reaction. He didn't seem concerned his son was in pain. I have reynauds so I get what he means by the pain

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:32

The gf didn't reply but must of contacted him immediately

OP posts:
upsideup · 26/02/2018 11:33

My 3 and 4 year olds walked out with their dad to the gate this morning in Pj's and not socks they then probably played outiside the doorstep for 5 minutes before I told them to come in. Their hands and feet were probably cold but I let them warm up naturally and they are absolutely fine now, both still have two working feet. If I was to quickly try and warm them up though they would of stung and their would of been tears. Did he come in screaming that his feet were freezing cold? or did he not even notice it untill you did?

Backscratchesforever · 26/02/2018 11:35

I too think his reaction is very ott

If he was so busy at work to not respond to you why has he contacted you over this? To me it screams his GF is more important to him than DS

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 11:37

Is this going to become a competition about whose DC can stand barefoot outside the longest? Hmm

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 11:38

Some posters are completely OTT

Comparing sitting a car that would be warm for the bloody journey with a pair of shoes on (or did your ex sit in his car freezing his ass off as well) to walking 30 mins bear foot in the snow! Ridiculous

Physical damage ?! His feet were cold, no damage was actually done! No ones gone to a&E to have toes removed!

The op didn’t get a reply straight away so she went and moaned to the gf instead when it’s got nothing to do with her! The child is also old enough to say ‘dad my feet are cold, can you turn the heating up in the car’

Pereie · 26/02/2018 11:41

I wouldn't leave the house without socks on in this weather and I highly doubt anyone else on this thread would either. Also, pjs art exactly the warmest of clothes.

Your son is 5, he needs a bit of looking after.

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable to message the GF, as you say she lives with him and should feel a little responsible for helping to look after his son when he stays over.

Don't back down, you are well within your rights to ask that your son be adequately dressed for winter weather. Also, maybe you need to sit down and have a chat with him about how you do handle this in the future if he wants you to have no contact with his GF.

(you should be able to talk to the woman lives in the house while your DS is at his fathers, its a bit bonkers to think that you two should not have a relationship that at least stretches to relevant conversations)

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 26/02/2018 11:41

You said it in your own message to her. It's not down to her. And you don't get to try to put her in the middle of you and your ex.

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 11:43

The gf didn't reply but must of contacted him immediately

She probably doesn't want to get involved, it's between your ex and you. I wouldn't want to get involved in an argument between my DH and his ex either. I understand why you're upset but your ex is the person you have to deal with. That girl has her own kids and her own ex to deal with I assume

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