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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
Qvar · 26/02/2018 11:01

Missed the part where he's going away in May - thaat's a HARD NO from me!

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 11:01

YABU to message the GF imo. Like someone else said already chances are she wouldn't even be up when your ex is leaving with your son. You should have waited and tried phoning him later when he finished work

NinjagoNinja · 26/02/2018 11:02

I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

I'm really sorry your relationship with your ex is so difficult. My friend is in a similar situation, it's so frustrating for her too.

Don't be bullied by him.

You can contact her if you want, no harm done. Is she so precious she can't read a text? If your child is staying with her then if course you can speak to her about his welfare. It doesn't mean you are side-stepping him.

Backscratchesforever · 26/02/2018 11:02

“This is whole drama over nothing”

A small child in pain because he is that cold it hurts is nothing? I hope you don’t have kids!

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 11:03

I agree that you shouldn't let him take your DD away to Spain in May. He needs to rebuild your trust in him as a parent.

joleigh332 · 26/02/2018 11:03

I dont think YABU at all, no his GF isn't necessarily responsible for your DS but any normal person (especially with DCs themselves) would be taking some responsibility for a child staying in their home. I expect she didn't know DS left hers in that way and when you messaged she probably had something to say about it, why your ex is angry for 'stirring'.

I would say DS can no longer be dropped back Monday morning unless he is ready and dressed in his school uniform, I really don't think its acceptable to be taken outside home in PJs and shoes without socks unless in an emergency.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/02/2018 11:03

She has NO duty of care towards your DS. She may not even have been up and about when they left.
I'd be pissed off if my DP's ex messaged me like that (but his dad is an idiot for not dressing him correctly).

fluffyrobin · 26/02/2018 11:04

What an odd thread.

At 5 years old your ds is old enough to put his own socks on!

What do you put in your ds's ears to clean them? Cotton buds?

Did you know ears are self cleaning and if you put anything in them a little olive oil is all you need?

You sound hard work and your dp sounds sick of you being controlling.

But if he really is negligent then carry on messaging his partner just to get really good family dynamics for your ds Hmm

DoraMilaje · 26/02/2018 11:04

I'd be very interested to know if his DP was livid or if its just your Ex. Could be that he was embarrassed about the fact that you'd asked his DP to pull him up on basic parenting. Might have been a non issue for her.

Ultimately, he's her DP, not her child so it isn't fair to put responsibility on her for making sure he does his due diligence as a father.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/02/2018 11:06

I agree fluffy, five is old enough to put your own socks on. Most five year olds can dress with little help.

Booboobooboo84 · 26/02/2018 11:06

Ywbu to contact her so soon after no response. He’s at work give him an opportunity to formulate a response. If it got to the day before his next visit and no response then yes by all means contact both adults whose care your child will be in and make them aware he needs socks. Replying to an ex about an issue that has passed- not particularly urgent. Replying to an ex that’s got him in the shit with a current partner- that’s more urgent he’s got to go home to her.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/02/2018 11:07

I agree with robin.

Feet being painful after being in a car journey wit trainers on is ott. Cold, yes, painful, no.

I expect your ex is bored of being told how to parent for minor things.

Your five yr old will presumably remember socks from now on if it was so painful.

Qvar · 26/02/2018 11:08

*What an odd thread.

At 5 years old your ds is old enough to put his own socks on!*

What an odd comment, fluffyrobin, surely you're old enough to understand that this goes far deeper than socks?

You sound hard work, and overly literal

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:10

If I hadn't of had the same conversation previously then I wouldn't need reassurance that it won't keep happening. This is one small example and I'm stuck cos the last thing I wasn't is ds to suffer.
This is the guy who cancelled a weekend with his ds saying he had Australian flu but was back at work on the Monday so forgive me for thinking ds isn't his priority.
I have never contacted her before even though there has been issued. Invited her to ds party so she knows I'm not causing trouble. Like pp have said I think he's annoyed that she's found out about verucca this way

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/02/2018 11:11

I’ve been dealing with my ExP’s substandard “parenting” for 12 years. I’ve never once resorted to telling tales to his wife.

Never got cross with him then? I was more pointing to those posts that don’t consider drop off with cold feet a big deal.

upsideup · 26/02/2018 11:11

You can contact her if you want, no harm done. Is she so precious she can't read a text?

Have you ever been a stepmum who has to get messaged every bloody week about how your not parenting her child right?

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 11:11

Sorry, I've just realised I mistakenly said DD, obviously I meant DS.

Yes 5 year olds can put their own socks on. But the scenario is that his dad was rushing him so he may well have been flustered.

Better to have him returned to you the night before?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:11

If he'd have walked 30 mins with no socks on his feet I would understand why you're so annoyed. I cannot believe he was in pain after sitting in a warm car for 30 mins if I'm being honest. This is about you being extremely annoyed and pissed off and wanting to get it off your chest and give the ex what for.

Which you could have done face to face next time you see him.

Backscratchesforever · 26/02/2018 11:12

Has no one here ever been that cold it hurts?

Put your hands in -8 water for 30 mins (the temp and length of journey this child took) then come back and revise your comments

BatFaced · 26/02/2018 11:12

You need him back in a Sunday evening going forward. Can you do this?

No you weren't wrong by the way. Just all round crapness between the pair of them. I do think his son is his responsibility of course but you've got his attention now

Can you put extra socks in his weekend bag? Start asking him to pop them on himself? He shouldn't have to and probably won't remember at this age but it's worth a shot anyway

I feel your pain. My DS is older at 11 but when he's at his fathers EOW, he isn't made to shower or bathe, so he goes without washing from Friday morning (when he's with me ) to Sunday evening (when he comes home) Yes, I KNOW he is old enough to hop in the shower himself but he won't off his own back. I chivvy him in there every day myself. Despite me asking his dad, he just can't be bothered. So I just make sure he has an extra scrub on Sunday evening and continue to tell DS it's time he took responsibility himself

So I know what this stuff can be like

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:13

He probably wasn't provider with socks to put on cos at home he would just do it. He shares a room with her 2 ds so probably doesn't have his own storage. He comes back inclothes he went in on the Friday sometimes but dirty so probably doesn't have a set of clothes there to put on himself

OP posts:
Eltonjohnssyrup · 26/02/2018 11:14

So why are you sending him without clothes?

letsdolunch321 · 26/02/2018 11:14

Cheeky fuck who does he think he is getting the dc up early and not dressing him in the right clothing.

I would go mad and reply next time you ignorant piece of shit make sure to reply to my messages then I won’t have the need to text your Doris.

strawberriesaregood · 26/02/2018 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BatFaced · 26/02/2018 11:14

And yep, mine comes back in same clothes half the time too. Despite me packing three whole outfits and spare pants and socks and clean hoodies etc.

It would take his dad moments to say ' go for a shower and then all clean clothes please!'

Beats me