Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2018 11:44

OP's concern is for her son. He was cold. OP has said so. We will have to take OP's word for that - and it IS perishing outside.

I would e-mail ex and say that this was a reasonable instruction and that you expect him to do the best for his son.

If it was all such a big deal anyway, how did OP have ex's girlfriend's number to text her?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:47

People are confusing things here. The OP has every right to be annoyed that the child had cold feet. She had no real reason to take her annoyance out on her ex's partner.

She could have rang him later this evening for a chat once he'd finished work.

I am now wondering how often the OP messages her ex with things she's not happy about.

llangennith · 26/02/2018 11:49

What FizzyGreenWater said at 10.08

MiffedMummy · 26/02/2018 11:49

OP, you were in the wrong. You and your ex had a baby, you are both responsible. His new partner is with him but also has her own children to look after no doubt wrangling in the morning. Your ex chose to keep him overnight and it's his responsibility to make sure he is fed, dressed and warm. It is bloody freezing (literally) and I wouldn't get in the car with no socks on, I feel it's crappy parenting and somewhat negligent if it's a regular occurrence of him coming back without socks or half dressed (although no coat due to belt safety, a blanket would be helpful). However, if you feel he is not looking after your and his child well enough then you should take it up against him and take it further if you have genuine, deep concerns about it, not text his partner as it seems as though you're indirectly saying she's also not looking after your child's needs and you don't know what their dynamic or agreement is to be saying that.

Maybe to you the message sounded polite but text messages have no tone to them, we tend to read them in the mood we are in or if he has painted you a certain way, she might expect it was passive aggressive. I think she has moaned at him about you or the socks or maybe got upset which makes his life harder which in essence is what you wanted because you wanted her to also be on his case.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2018 11:50

He could have done with a pair of socks to make him more comfortable (not so much the gloves).

But in actual physical pain? I know a car can take a while to warm up, but blimey, he was in it for 30 minutes.

If he was in actual pain after that, it might be worth a trip to the Docs to find out if there's something else going on there.

On the other hand, it's quite possible he's missed you this weekend and was enjoying a bit of 'mummy sympathy', which many 5 year olds would.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 11:51

@GreatDuckCookery the OP has said several times that this was the first time. It would help if you read all the OP's posts. Hmm

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 11:51

I don't want her to be in the middle. I've previously been fine with nc but felt that due to this not being the first time or first incident of lack of basic care then making her aware would not cause any harm. I have not asked her to dress my ds or provide for him.
My car has been sat at work for 2 hours and it's now freezing again so must of been even worse at 6.40am after being sat there all night. It takes a good 15 mins or so to warm up and my son's feet do not reach the footwell so the blowers would not of been on him. At least this time he had trainers on and not cold wellies with no socks.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 26/02/2018 11:52

You were wrong to try to put this on his DP. He is responsible for your child. If he isn't meeting that responsibility, you need to take it up with him.

Mammymon · 26/02/2018 11:54

I've only had a mumsnet account for about a week and from reading the replies on here I'm terrified to ever ask a question! So many nasty and downright rude replies to this woman's post!

I myself am a stepmother, and I absolutely think that when my partners children are with us they are equally his and my responsibility. What other way is there??? "They are your kids, these are my kids" and parent separately under the same roof?? That's ridiculous!

Your sons father should have made sure your 5 year old was dressed appropriately for the weather. It doesn't matter if he's in a rush or trying to get to work, when it's cold weather you dress them warmly and that includes socks! And as for those people saying a 5 year old can dress themself, yes they can but they are also only 5 years old and so they don't necessarily think about the weather when putting on whatever appeals to them that morning; it is the responsibility of the parent to ensure they are dressed appropriately for the weather!

If I had been in your situation I would have done the same, messaged the father first and if no reply then message her, she is the other adult looking after your son and so the least she can do is drive home to her partner that he needs to be more on the ball with looking after your son.

I hope you don't take to heart all the nasty comments on here, I honestly thought women were more supportive of each other these days x

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 11:54

Lizzie what are you referring to?

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 11:56

It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.

YANBU. If she didn't want to be involved, she shouldn't have gotten with a man who can't even look after his own child properly.
Tbh, even if my DP was living with his mother and was sending DD home with no socks, if he wasn't listening, I would message his mother.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 11:56

Sorry, I misread, @GreatDuckCookery I know, pot and kettle and all that. You were talking about texts to her ex. Yes she probably does text him a lot, so maybe he did just think, here we go again.

QuestionableMouse · 26/02/2018 11:58

If I was the partner, I'd be happy to be contacted. Then again I couldn't let a child in my care go out in inappropriate clothing.

Riverside2 · 26/02/2018 12:02

OP I'd forget about the girlfriend bit

your son is not being looked after properly by his father. I am a bit confused that he doesn't have clothes at his dad's either.

isn't it time you met with his dad and say that either he proves he can look after his son or he doesn't get to see him anymore?

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 12:05

There is obviously a break down in communications between you and ExH when it comes to co-parenting. It does sound like a meeting between the two of you is needed.

usernamealreadytaken · 26/02/2018 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HoppingPavlova · 26/02/2018 12:14

You were wrong to send the message to her. She has no responsibility or duty of care, that’s on his father.

However, I completely get how you felt you had to work outside the box given you were banging your head against a wall trying to get your ex to listen let alone address the issue. Sometimes we have to do the wrong thing to move things along and understandably this may have been one of those times Wink.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 12:17

I'd speak to your ex on the phone tonight, explain that DS had really cold feet when he got home and that you need to know that he will make sure he puts the socks you will be sending on the childs feet in future.

Show Ds the socks in his bag before he leaves so he knows to look for them.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 12:20

It was the first time I have contacted dp, not the first time I've asked him to dress ds appropriately!!!
I don't provide clothes cos I don't get them back and can't afford to keep replacing them. Ds gets brought back in clothes too small or pjs. The problem is he can't afford this holiday and has been working extra and not having ds on a regular basis so clothes for ds are probably not a priority to him.
When we split up he wanted ds every weekend which I was fine with as worked pt and got time and days out in the week with him as ds was in pt nursery. When there was an event on and I wanted ds at a weekend I asked nicely and gave notice and used to get abuse how it's his time with him and I'm taking his time away from him. He then met dp and it started off that he Told me he couldn't have him on such a weekend then eventually it was he was only having him eow which was fine as ds now at school and I want quality weekend time with him too. However eow is sometimes only him having him every 3 weeks and occasionally him picking him up in the week and having him sit in his cold work van to eat chippy and bringing him back in less than an hour. When I mentioned that he used to argue to have ds e.w and now it's getting less and less and it's not fair on ds to not see him regularly he said yeah well I've got a life now. This example may also give you an insight into why something as simple to some pp as my son having freezing cold feet may be bigger to me and make me worry that df isn't putting ds first.

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 26/02/2018 12:21

OP I absolutely agree with what you are saying about cold feet, cars, winter etc but it’s not your place to involve your ex gf. It really is nothing to do with her and it’s unfair of you to put her on her like that. You’ve really put her in the middle of an issue you have with your ex.

If you say he’s done similar things in the past then you need to rethink contact if it’s as bad as you say. Or you try and talk this through with him face to face or even over the phone. Text messages are too widely used and a crap way of communicating stuff like this. If he won’t talk, then again you need to think about contact. At no point should you be involving the gf

Xenophile · 26/02/2018 12:21

You are getting a bit of a hard time OP, but FWIW, you were somewhat unreasonable in contacting the girlfriend, but I can totally understand your frustration with a man who has ignored your polite requests before and again to look after his child appropriately. Especially when he can take the time to go bananas at you in defence of his girlfriend.

Lesson learned though, you know where his priorities lie now.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 12:22

I am not claiming to be the perfect parent but this isn't the first time its happened with no socks and freezing feet! If it was summer I wouldn't of battered an eyelid

OP posts:
hatefulgreatful · 26/02/2018 12:25

if I was in a relationship with a man who had a child I would fully expect to be partly responsible for the child whilst they were in my home.
Yes it is the father's responsibility mostly and up to him to do most of the care however his partner should also be making sure he's ok.
I have my husband niece and nephew over some weeks and make sure he knows if he's bringing them then he's mostly responsible as I work from home but I still make sure they're fed properly and are happy whilst they're here and guess what I can't stand their parents and am Nc with them but these are children and whilst they in my home I would always make sure theyre looked after.

AbsentmindedWoman · 26/02/2018 12:28

He's annoyed because it's shown his partner clearly that he's not prioritising his child's comfort and wellbeing. She probably takes a dim view of that, especially if she has kids herself.

If I was her, I'd be surprised at getting a message from you but certainly not annoyed. Unless this is happening over other, trivial stuff all the time.

When it comes to your kid being cold or hungry or whatever, then no - your exP doesn't get to to dictate what happens if he fails to meet these very basic needs, failing to provide adequate warm clothes like he did in this instance.

It's fucking freezing outside and your small child is depending on the adult to keep him warm. Honestly, I despair at some of these parents who can't seem to put their kid's basic needs first.

Maybe your ex is one of those people who don't really feel the cold, and can't understand why your child got so cold, but that's not really good enough. He needs to think of the small person depending on him.

RidingWindhorses · 26/02/2018 12:29

I'd message back

THEN FUCKING REPLY WHEN I CONTACT YOU ABOUT OUR CHILD'S WELFARE!!!!!

This.