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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
GUMBYMUMBY · 26/02/2018 10:46

It actually doesn't matter who's child it was. It was a child with freezing feet. I would take care of any child's basic needs.
FFS all this rubbish about it not being DP's responsibility- child was sent home badly dressed. She is presumably helping take care of him whilst he is there...

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 10:48

she'll at least hopefully tell DP to parent better so she stops getting messages

Or she will just block her. Easiest way forward for the new gf, she doesn’t have to pick up his slack or listen to his ex moan about socks.

PhelanThePain · 26/02/2018 10:48

Why didn’t you just tell his mum on him?

Onedaynamechange · 26/02/2018 10:48

Why are so many posters saying “his feet shouldn’t have got that cold in a car”? I went out in my car at 6.30am at that temp and it took twenty min for the bloody car to warm up! I would be fuming OP and no you shouldn’t have got his DP involved but I’d be having some serious words with him about neglecting his son’s basic needs, if he wants to continue overnights he needs to shape up.

upsideup · 26/02/2018 10:49

You tried the correct route, he ignored you

He was work! I dont know many jobs where you can just sit texting when you want.
Son arrived home at 7.10 and OP posted this at 10.00 thats less than 3 hours to
-warm up sons feet, get him drink and thick socks
-text father
-decide he was ignoring it (at work)
-send a 'polite' text to his DP
-for his DP to tell him that shes being given the blame and responsability.
-For the father to rightfully be annoyed she texted his gf instead of giving him more than what couldnt of been more than an hour to reply to the text himself.

gamerchick · 26/02/2018 10:51

THAT is why he's so angry with you. If she had been watching, your son would have been dressed properly, not because she ensured it but just because her presence would have ensured it. But because she wasn't watching, he brought a small child out in subzero temperatures inadequately dressed

That’s what I thought as well. She may not have complained about you messaging him. More like given him some stern words about verrucas if not about wrapping him up warmly. Hes mad at you for exposing him as being a lazy bugger.

Personally I’d ask for him back the night before or get some onesies.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2018 10:51

So presumably the partner doesn't have to include the son in any family time, interact with him, if DF pops to the shops she can just ignore him and let him play with the steak knives because inky a parent should give a shit or should be able to say oi, put some bloody socks on your kid it's freezing outside

MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 10:52

You reached out to her because he wasn't listening about things you've already covered. I've been the stepmum and I would understand this even though the child isn't my responsibility.

I'd send him off next time with a multipack of socks and honestly if he keeps ignoring basic care I'd have to re think the overnight stays

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 10:52

I would stop letting ex drop DS off on Monday mornings if this is his attitude.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 10:52

I'm surprised so many posters are saying that the OP is making a fuss about nothing. Cars can definitely be freezing and take a while to warm up. The windows will have been frozen solid. The DD should have been dressed for the winter not in pyjamas and no socks.

Emma198 · 26/02/2018 10:53

It's all very well for us to sit here, think about it logically and say you were in the wrong for messaging her but I'm pretty certain that in your situation, if he never replied and didn't listen but his partner seemed nice and caring, I'd just stop talking to him altogether and go through the partner for the sake of my child. If things only get done when you speak with her, then I'd just speak with her.

BarbaraofSevillle · 26/02/2018 10:53

YABU, because you're expecting her to enable your ex to continue to be an inadequate father, presumably one of the reasons why he's an ex.

However, you're NBU because you're making sure that she knows that he's a manchild who expects the women in his life to take responsiblity for the mental load and satisfactory childrearing, so hopefully she'll ditch him too before she has DC with him and ends up in the same position herself.

gamerchick · 26/02/2018 10:53

And some of these replies Hmm I would think it would have been a completely different story if it was one of their kids!

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 10:53

I have spoken to him before yet he did it again. He was online and also contacted me as soon as his dp told him I'd sent her a message. He has a dd and used to take pictures if she arrived with dirty nails or holes in her leggings so why is me wanting my son to be warm less important?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 26/02/2018 10:53

It's going to be seen as antagonistic, OP. No matter how you dress it up. Hand on heart, I get you. I have been there! So it is with the gift of hindsight that I'm telling you, leave her out of it. In future, just don't involve her.

She does not have a duty of care, legally speaking. She has no PR. She's most likely a kind, decent human being who will feed, clothe, and safely look after your child while he's in her care. But actually, she doesn't have to do a thing for him, from a legal point of view.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 26/02/2018 10:55

This is the thing, if hes working he may not have had time to reply straight away to something that it has no bearings if he text then or later. Also does it even warrant a reply text? " please remember to put socks on ds next time" "ok"

trixymalixy · 26/02/2018 10:56

YABU. You were wrong to message his DP.

PhelanThePain · 26/02/2018 10:57

And some of these replies hmm I would think it would have been a completely different story if it was one of their kids!

I’ve been dealing with my ExP’s substandard “parenting” for 12 years. I’ve never once resorted to telling tales to his wife.

timeisnotaline · 26/02/2018 10:58

I don’t think the op is that unreasonable. If he keeps forgetting basic care I wouldn’t let him go away in May and not sure about overnights.

Backscratchesforever · 26/02/2018 10:58

You weren’t being unreasonable at all.

Your child has suffered due to his neglect!
He may be at work but he has a history of ignoring op, so what was she meant to do?

I’d tell him no more early drop offs as he isn’t adequately dressing DS and DS is in pain due to his neglectful care.

This new DP is now in step mother role, she chose to live with a man with a child, therefore by default she should be aware and to some extent responsible also.

If ex was beating their child, she would have a responsibility, all of MN would be in uproar over it if she didn’t report it.

This neglect, causing this extent of pain is not right. All adults in this set up should be communicating and responsible for his overall care.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 10:59

upsideup

He was work! I dont know many jobs where you can just sit texting when you want.

And yet he managed to text OP as soon as his DP contacted him Hmm

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 10:59

The issue is that the ex has form for this, so him ignoring the message won't have given the OP any confidence that he was taking on board what she was saying.

Allthewaves · 26/02/2018 11:00

This is whole drama over nothing. You sent him a reminder about socks, he read it. Don't really see that he needed to reply tbh

Qvar · 26/02/2018 11:00

He has a dd and used to take pictures if she arrived with dirty nails or holes in her leggings so why is me wanting my son to be warm less important?

Because neither was important. Getting at his ex was important, and now you're his ex.

I wouldn't let him bring your son back on Monday morning if he's coming back in that condition. Sunday evening at 6pm is better, time to settle for school, have a bath and a snack.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 11:00

THAT is why he's so angry with you. If she had been watching, your son would have been dressed properly, not because she ensured it but just because her presence would have ensured it. But because she wasn't watching, he brought a small child out in subzero temperatures inadequately dressed

I agree with above by Qvar too

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