Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's son

210 replies

chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 11:28

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 18:57

You posted a thread, I've responded with my opinion. The issue of fathers not paying support and women being left with the sole burden does strike a cord with me, and I find your judgement of her, calling her grabby and digs about her lifestyle and job inappropriate given that the only thing you know about her for sure is that she stuck around to raise your brother's child when he didn't. I've responded to the tone of your posts- even your most recent ones are critical of her.

TheFirstMrsDV · 25/02/2018 19:03

TheFirstMrsDV you are very far off the mark. I don't dislike my nephew's mum nor am I jealous of her.
You have certainly displayed an acute dislike of her on this thread. There is no pointing in quoting you, you have done it throughout.

I certainly don't want to steal the affections of my nephew - I have 3 sons of my own, I'm really not looking for another one. I am also definitely not trying to hand on to my brother through his son - that would be ridiculous

Read my post properly. I haven't said you were. I said the mother may fear it.
As for being ridiculous, of course it isn't! Its perfectly natural and the fact that many inlaws lose contact with children after the death of a loved one is hugely distressing. To lose a child is a big enough tragedy, to lose their child on top is unbearable.
Sorry you think that is ridiculous.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 19:05

stitchglitched I'm genuinely interested to know what you think about people who cheat the benefit system? I suspect that is happening here but as I mentioned before I would never report my suspicions. And I'm really not having a dig, I am genuinely interested to now what you think.

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 25/02/2018 19:08

You didn't bother trying to have a relationship with your nephew when your brother was alive so why do it now? The poor boy has had a hard enough time of it already-leave him alone.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:10

I'm genuinely interested to know what you think about people who cheat the benefit system?

The thing is, that is such a stab in the dark. You have no clue that that is what she is doing. Hell, until recently you knew nothing at all about what she was doing or where she was - so much so that you couldn't get in touch for 18 years. All you know about her is what your DB told you, which may or may not have been true.

She may have worked. Her DH may have worked. You do not know.
She may have inherited or won the lottery or be supported by family. You do not know.

Equally she may be a drugs dealer or a mafia hit man. You do not know.

You have just decided - despite knowing nothing about her - that she is a benefits cheat and are sticking with assumption no matter how many times people point out that you have nothing to base that on, and are judging her because of it.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 19:11

OutyMcOutface have you not read any of my previous posts?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:11
  • 14 year. Typo
stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 19:11

I think benefit fraud is wrong of course, though I think that there can be mitigating circumstances- I certainly wouldn't judge a lone parent who had no practical or financial support from the child's other parent working a bit on the side and not declaring it for example. I guess I just don't understand your mindset- in your circumstances the only thing I would care about was that my niece/ nephew was happy and well cared for and would be delighted to see that they had a happy family unit and a decent lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't be concerning myself with her employment status or what benefits she may or may not be claiming.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 19:14

DeathStare in the screen shots I saw on my brother's computer she more or less accused him of shopping her to the Benefits Agency, which he denied and said he would never do. Obviously someone must have had a suspicion. Why has she not changed her name or put her married status on facebook?

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 25/02/2018 19:16

Chikinlikin, I think you are amazingly kind. You made an effort to get in touch with your Brother's ex partner and get your brother's money to the correct place, which was his son. Now with very little encouragement you are trying to keep in touch and give your nephew a present.
Your brother's partner hasn't made much effort to keep in touch with her son's Paternal Family either. Surely it works both ways. Your brother had to go to court to get access which shows conflict somewhere.
The loser here is going to be the little boy.
He could have the benefit of a extra set of loving and interested adults. Why wouldn't a Mother want such a thing for her children, beats me. She doesn't need you, but she should think of her son, not for him.
Sadly I don't think you have any choice but to give up. Not everyone is as nice as you.
He may turn up when he can think for himself. Let's hope he does.

Badbadtromance · 25/02/2018 19:16

S very similar thing happened when my DH died. To be honest my in laws never bothered when dh was alive. If they tried now I'd give them short shrift

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:20

DeathStare in the screen shots I saw on my brother's computer she more or less accused him of shopping her to the Benefits Agency, which he denied and said he would never do. Obviously someone must have had a suspicion. Why has she not changed her name or put her married status on facebook?

Oh FFS. are you serious? Is that all you've got?

Firstly why does she have to change her name or put her married status on facebook? Lots of women don't. That means nothing. And lots of women who cheat the benefits system do change their name and put their married status on facebook. That maens absolutely diddly squat

Secondly, someone "shopping" her to the benefits Agency doesn't mean she's done anything wrong - it means they assumed she had done something wrong.Maybe wrongly.

Thirdly, claiming benefits does not mean she does not work. She could have a disability. Or a child with a disability. Or she could have a low paid job and claim tax credits.

So many many many assumptions.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 19:20

holeinmyheart thank you so much, so I'm not a total monster?

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 19:23

DeathStare her whole life is on facebook - she posts all the time, however, she says she is a stay at home mum. I also know neither child has a disability. No mention of the husband online.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:31

OP just stay away from her social media. Many people - myself included - only present certain aspects of our lives on social media and not others. There is nothing suspicious about that. Nothing at all.

JustHereForThePooStories · 25/02/2018 19:32

Maybe she was conscious that her deadbeat ex’s family were likely to snoop so never got into the habit of posting about her job or husband on FB?

Honestly, OP, you’re lookong increasingly obsessive the more you post.

Your brother failed his child, yet you’re turning the mother into the villain here.

What did you hope to achieve by starting this thread?

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:32

I also know neither child has a disability

And no. You do not know this. Not unless you have taken both children to have a comprehensive assessment. This AGAIN is yet another assumption you are making about her life.

TheFirstMrsDV · 25/02/2018 19:36

Obviously someone must have had a suspicion

No. All that is obvious is that someone reported her.
Since the DWP bought in immediate sanctions for suspected fraud it has become a handy way of hurting someone.
Report and sit back and watch the chaos.

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 19:37

You're not a total monster, I don't think anyone is suggesting that. But you yourself have admitted that your brother didn't step up whilst he was alive and then suggested that his ex was grabby in trying to claim what his DS was owed. Then you made comments about her potentially being guilty of benefits fraud - why is that relevant to this thread?

These are reasons why posters have taken against you. You're really not doing yourself any favours, I've been sympathetic to you, but I think suggesting she was guilty of benefit fraud and calling her grabby was rather below the belt.

bridgetoc · 25/02/2018 20:18

You have contacted her and she has not responded as of yet? If so, and she doesn't in the future, you must leave well alone.

A nice gesture on your part to stay in contact with your nephew, but the decision is hers. You have no authority here........

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 20:18

Lizzie48 I take your comments on board and you're right, I shouldn't judge her (or anyone else). I think I only mentioned all that stuff because I was being attacked on here. I think whatever I do or say is going to be wrong and misconstrued. I genuinely only wanted to do something nice for the boy because his father hadn't, that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 20:22

bridgetoc you're right and if the roles were reversed I don't know what I would do in her situation. For all of you who think I am slagging off my Nephew's mum, I feel that my Nephew has an incredibly close happy family (so far as you can tell by facebook) and that's all I really want for him. Also, my brother struggled to be a father because our own father was a pretty crappy role model and my brother was pretty bitter about the whole thing up until the day he died - in those circumstances you would think that you would be even more determined to be a good dad.

OP posts:
Graphista · 25/02/2018 20:26

she more or less accused him of shopping her to the Benefits Agency, which he denied and said he would never do. Obviously someone must have had a suspicion.

Really? You've described your brother as a manipulative to the point of dishonest absent father and you really don't think it possible he made a malicious report? It happens. And it royally fucks legitimate claimants because every payment stops while they investigate.

"Since the DWP bought in immediate sanctions for suspected fraud it has become a handy way of hurting someone.
Report and sit back and watch the chaos." Definitely!

"Why has she not changed her name or put her married status on facebook?"

Firstly - why do you care! It's none of your business

Secondly - lots of women especially those with a child that bears their maiden name don't change to husbands name, to keep same name as child, personal preference, because it's an archaic patriarchal practice...

I don't have my relationship status on my fb that shits for teens!

"I also know neither child has a disability" you have ABSOLUTELY no way of knowing that. My dd has a disability it's not plastered all over either her or my fb - heard of invisible disabilities?

I really wish I knew this poor woman so I could tell her to tighten up her Facebook privacy settings.

LEAVE HER ALONE.

SeaEagleFeather · 25/02/2018 20:50

chickin not sure you'll get much more out of this thread, there have been some really weird attacks on you.

DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 21:16

I also know neither child has a disability

My own parents don't even know that I have a disability! Why on Earth would you assume that you would know about a, as good as, strangers child based on Facebook!