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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's son

210 replies

chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 11:28

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 17:24

stitchglitched did you not read further up the post? I did try but my nephew's mum changed her phone number and didn't pass on the new one when they split up. Also, I had absolutely no idea where she stayed. I did try to find them. I don't think I should be made to feel guilty now - I found out exactly where she was from my brother's computer following his death and immediately got in touch.

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stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 17:30

I could hardly get in contact with her when my brother didn't make the effort

Confused
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 17:42

*I could hardly get in contact with her when my brother didn't make the effort

  • in that situation how could I go behind his back and initiate contact? So I have a relationship with my nephew when he didn't have one with his dad? Would that not have been a bit rough on the boy? I have said many times that I didn't agree with what he had done - nothing would ever keep me away from my children - and I used to ask him all the time to get in touch but he would cite his depression and not being in a good place.
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DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 17:47

I can honestly say I have done absolutely nothing to make my Nephew's mum feel that I don't like her

You might have done without meaning to. We all picked up on your attitude towards her pretty quickly despite not knowing you so it's not so unbelievable that she would too.

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 17:51

So which was it? You couldn't go behind his back to initiate contact or you tried but she had changed her number?

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 17:52

DalekDalekDale I definitely don't think that is the case. I think she will think that I will judge her because she has never worked but from what I can gather leading between the lines I think she has also suffered from depression so that is maybe why. I usually don't stand in judgement of people. As I mentioned before she seems to be an excellent mother and loves her kids to bits.

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Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 17:53

I think this is tricky for the OP. She knows her brother should have done a lot more for his DS, she probably should have taken action herself, but it sounds like she had no way of contacting him independently of her brother.

It's irrelevant now anyway, they are where they are. It might be too late now, whether it is or not is up to her nephew himself.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 17:55

stitchglitched a bit of both really. I wasn't on facebook back ten if it even existed so couldn't easily keep in touch with her. I didn't know her address so used to give my brother cards and presents at birthdays and Christmas - nothing very big, I had little money at the time and I think that quite a lot of these would never make it to their destination. My mum used to give him money in a card but I doubt it got passed on.

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DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 17:57

I think she will think that I will judge her because she has never worked
That seems a strange thing to think. I think you're probably assuming that she is spending a lot more time thinking about you and what you might think that she really is. You are the sister of her son's estranged father. You haven't seen her son for over a decade. You're probably very low down on her list of people who she cares abouts opinion.

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 18:03

Yeah why would she care what you think of her employment status? It is equally likely that she might judge you for what she perceives, rightly or wrongly, as your family's abandonment of her child.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 18:04

DalekDalekDalek possibly but I won't ever know if she won't respond to me will I? I just think that every child has a right to know where they came from and who they are related to but I know it doesn't always work that way.

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Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 18:07

stitchglitched I don't think she will think that. The very few times I saw her I made the effort to travel to see her. She was meant to come to see us and bring the baby and I had offered to babysit for a while so that her and my brother could go and have some lunch in peace but she called off at the last minute after I had arranged to take time off work.

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DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 18:08

You might have answered this already (sorry if you have) but how long has it been since you messaged her about sending a present?

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 18:08

So why have you repeatedly brought up her employment status on this thread? It is irrelevant.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 18:15

in that situation how could I go behind his back and initiate contact? So I have a relationship with my nephew when he didn't have one with his dad? Would that not have been a bit rough on the boy?

If that's your opinion, how is it any different now? He still can't have a relationship with his dad but now you want contact.

I just think that every child has a right to know where they came from and who they are related to but I know it doesn't always work that way

But you didn't think that when your brother wan't having contact with him, or at least you weren't so resolute about it that you made contact yourself.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 18:16

DalekDalekDalek only a week ago but I know she has read the message. stitchglitched - I'm probably just jealous because she doesn't have to work and has a good lifestyle. I go quite a few holidays as well but work very hard for my money.

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AJPTaylor · 25/02/2018 18:17

Its tough. You cant do right for doing wrong. Fwiw i doubt that the insurers or pension trustees would do anything but put the money in trust for your nephew.
I would leave it now. I am firmly of the view that the relationship or lack of with neices and nephews is dictated by the parents. When mine were growing up we were v close to some, never saw others.

RebelRogue · 25/02/2018 18:18

@chickinlikin i thought you said you aren't jealous.Wink

JustHereForThePooStories · 25/02/2018 18:19

Sounds like they deserved a holiday!

My niece was abandoned by her father when she was a baby. He lived five miles away, and never once saw her beyond the age of six weeks. He paid my sister £20/month, and was in arrears constantly.

He died when my niece was in her 20s. She received a (fairly small) payout. She used it to upgrade her car. In her words “it’s more than the bastard ever did for me when he was alive”.

I can see how you’d romanticise your brother’s legacy, but you have to see this from the other side. He did so little for this child while he was alive, you can’t expect them to want to kowtow to you now that he’s dead.

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 18:19

Ah well if my brother had abandoned his child I would be really pleased to learn that the child and his mother had a nice lifestyle, not jealous and making snide little digs but each to their own.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 18:20

But you didn't think that when your brother wan't having contact with him, or at least you weren't so resolute about it that you made contact yourself. I went on an on at my brother to get in touch - I didn't agree with him at all, I've already said this. And for what it's worth I am definitely not looking for contact - just the ability to send a card or a present for birthday and Christmas. If my nephew wants to contact me when he is older then he is very very welcome but I would never push it.

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Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 18:23

You're not doing yourself any favours by allowing your jealousy to manifest itself, OP, although I do think @stitchglitched is far too invested in attacking you on this thread.

DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 18:26

If it was only a week ago then you might be putting to much thought into her not having answered. Tbh I am a git for not replying to things - I either forget that I haven't done it or put of answering because I'm not sure what to say.
Is it possible that she is busy / away / dealing with something else at the moment.
Or maybe she is asking your nephew whether he wants contact and he hasn't decided yet. She might not want to tell you "hang on I'm waiting for [DS] to decide whether he wants a relationship with you or not" in case he decides that he doesn't. I think you would probably be better off if you left it another week or two and then if you still haven't heard send her a message along the lines of:

"Hi, I know you haven't replied and I appreciate that me getting in contact might be difficult for you and DN. I would really like to have a relationship with DN but I will accept whatever you feel is right. If he's not ready for contact now then please let him know that he can contact me if and when he is ready to."

And then allow her or DN to take the lead. The fact is you can't force her or him to have a relationship with you and you need to keep her on side if you want one.

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 18:28

I'm not attacking the OP, I'm questioning why she keeps having a pop at this woman's lifestyle, employment etc but feel free to report my posts.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 18:51

DalekDalekDalek very sound advice and quite possibly the case.

stitchglitched You seem really bothered by this, why have my comments struck such a chord with you?

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