Brother's son

[chickinlikin]

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

TheFirstMrsDV I have never said anything or done anything to her which would have her draw the conclusion I don't like her. And have you not read any further up the thread? I'm not defending my brother in any way - you don't become a saint because you are no longer here. He was wrong not to be involved in the upbringing of his child and was wrong in not contributing more financially. In fact when I originally messaged her admitted that my brother could be very difficult at times and was not easy to get along with in the latter end. Both me and him have suffered from anxiety and depression although he always seemed to turn inwardly and thought about himself too much whereas I always had children who depended on me and had no option but to work through things.

DeathStare none of those apply here but you are right to a certain extent - I shouldn't judge

You have no idea that this doesn't apply here. You've not seen her in 14 years and were never close.

If I won the lottery I wouldn't tell anyone apart from my nearest or dearest. A friend of mine received substantial compensation for something that happened to him - only his very very nearest and dearest know (I'm one of the few). Another friend was only saying last night "how does he afford to live the life he lives when he has never worked?" If she had inherited, if her DH had inherited you would have no way of knowing. It's certainly not the kind of thing she is likely to tell her ex, let alone his sister who she has no contact with. In fact if anything she may well try to conceal it.

stitchglitched hand on heart I really do believe she was being grabby. However, I don't really blame her for this, I would probably do the same in a similar situation - I certainly wouldn't turn it down. I offered to send her the Death Certificate in order that her son would know who his dad was - the boy will be aware I would think because my brother was on his Birth Certificate.

DeathStare if she was that loaded she wouldn't have been pushing for the money but I know she isn't.

Or maybe she just thought that she ought to claim what her child was entitled to, for his benefit. You see threads on here all the time from mothers who aren't sure whether to pursue maintenance. They are rightly told that their children are entitled to a contribution from the other parent who created them. Do you consider these mothers 'grabby' if they keep chasing up CMS?

I do think that she's probably aware that you dislike her. It's really obvious even to us - strangers who don't know you - that you dislike her (and are very jealous of her lifestyle) and so it's more than likely that she'll have picked up on it from your tone and manner towards her. I think in that situation I'd be wary of letting you into my son's life too. Also, if your brother was a toxic part of her life, I can understand her thinking it might be best to keep all of you at bay. I'm glad you tried, though, and you'll at least be able to tell him that if he ever chooses to contact you himself.

stitchglitched I think that every man should pay for the maintenance and upkeep of their child and she is completely entitled to the money she received and in that respect is not necessarily grabby. However, she kept messaging me during a very difficult time to ask if I had contacted the insurance company. Remember, I was (and still am) grieving but I had to sort out all of my DB's affairs, arrange funeral, clear flat etc. I also had to go to work and look after my own family.

You haven't given her money, there was an insurance policy left to your nephew.

It doesn't sound like she has asked you for anything.

I honestly think she just wants to be left alone.

Op I would leave it.
The mum would reply to you if she wanted.
She is probably suspicious of you. For all you know the gifts might not have been passed on and this might be the first time she thinks you have got in touch.
You don't know anything about her.
What she spends the money on is not your business.
She has raised your nephew without your brothers help.
It is not your business whether she it's married, has a partner or is single.
For all you know she might have told her son that his dad died years ago, to soften the blow of having a terrible father.
Maybe one day your nephew will get on touch.

chick someone asleep, wearing headphones and sunglasses could tell you don't like her.
She knows.

She may also feel that you think you are entitled to access to her son because you have paid her.
Much in the way you think she only contacted you for money she probably thinks you only contacted her with money to get your hands on her son.
She may be wary that your family are trying to hang on to your brother through her son. That might frighten her.
I am not saying that is what you are doing but as far as she is concerned no-one has cared about her son's welfare until now.

The pp who said the time for contact was before your DB died is right.
There is just too much going on now.

Try again in a year or so but only if you think you can deal with your dislike and jealousy of the only birth parent this boy has known.

Everything Belindabauer said.

It sounds like the OP is still upset at the way her brother's ex kept chasing her about the money at a time when she was having a really difficult time. That has coloured her view, so yes, there probably is dislike on her part. (I'm not saying I blame her brother's ex for doing that, it was money her DS was entitled to, but it's clearly been upsetting for the OP.) She's probably angry with her brother for having left her to deal with it all, and it's hard coping with anger against someone who is dead. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process.

I think you'll be better able to cope with this once you've come through the grieving process, @chickinlikin at the moment your anger is obvious and it's why you're rubbing people up the wrong way on here.

DeathStare if she was that loaded she wouldn't have been pushing for the money but I know she isn't

Plenty of parents who are separated from their child's other parent push like hell for money because they feel it is the other parent's moral obligation. I know some incredibly loaded custodial parents who have fought like hell to get a tiny amount of child support, because for them it's the principle.

I'm not saying this is the case with your nephew's mother, but I am saying you can't rule these things out. Again you are making assumptions and seem desperate to cling to these assumptions and to make judgments based on them.

Why was your brother having to see him in a contact centre?

You've had no relationship with him yourself for 14 years it's not fair to just land on him and make him have to deal with wondering how to respond to a gift from an aunt he doesn't even remember.

You are very negatively judging her when your brother basically abandoned her and his son at the very least - I suspect there's more to it with mention of a contact centre.

As pps have said, she's the parent that's done the hard graft.

You also don't know if the money was spent on the holidays, if the money from the holidays came from elsewhere or if the son himself wanted the money spent that way. You say it was only a few thousand I'd be very surprised if that was even enough for more than one holiday for a family of 4.

Ensure she has contact info of yours to give him when he's 18 if he wants and if she thinks it appropriate.

I really don't think doing more than that would be appropriate.

"but it does stick in the throat a wee bit that she has hardly ever worked in her entire life but can afford three holidays a year, various weekends away and lots of meals out." Why? It's none of your business, you don't know her new husbands situation so you don't know where the money is coming from. If it's bugging you that much stop looking.

"You have no idea that this doesn't apply here. You've not seen her in 14 years and were never close." Exactly. There's no way you can know the details of her finances.

Graphista is right, OP. Although I think when he's 18, it will be up to the nephew, not his mum whether he wants to get in touch.

I still think one card is appropriate, even if his mum doesn't give it to him. Your brother was his dad, however inadequate he may have been. That way, if he does decide to get in touch you can say that you were genuinely thinking of him.

Then leave it, there really isn't anything else you can do.

Sorry for the loss of your brother . I think the point most people ( and maybe you a bit ) are what is in the best interests of your nephew . He may well now and in the future want to know what his biological father was like - regardless of what other people think about his failings he may well want to hear about him . If you want to establish a relationship with him then do try - even if that is initially by post etc . You ll need to make it clear to his mum that you want to be a prescence in his life he can rely on - not just someone who pops a present in the post every year . He may or may not take you up on it but I think it’s a nice offer . You ll have to work on your relationship with his mum to some extent though and put the past behind you . I think it’s potentially something you’re nephew will value . Despite your brothers apparent failings his son may well want to get to know him through you . Good luck

My Nana was the only relative to bother with me so I don't see why you can't try and build a relationship with your nephew even if no one else does with you. And my nana was my birth father's mum.

I think it would help you of you stopped thinking of her as grabby. From her pov, she has had sole financial responsibility for your nephew and will do until he grows up. The insurance money is your brother's contribution to his son's upbringing. You wouldn't expect her to put child support into savings for when he was grown up, and the insurance money is no different - think of it as getting child support in a lump sum. Even if she spent it on holidays, she still has been and will be covering the costs of raising her child until adulthood.
Honestly, I think it will help you if you stop seeing her as grabby. I know you feel she badgered you at a difficult time but she doesn't know you, probably is aware you are not keen on her and so she wasn't really thinking about you as a grieving sister, more about her ex as an absent father iyswim.

Thinking about it. I actually doubt that her brother's ex actually knows that she doesn't like her or that she thinks of her as grabby. They haven't seen each other for years! She probably doesn't even care what the OP thinks about her, why would she? They've only communicated by email.

Depends on the tone of those communications - doesn't take many words to make clear how you feel about someone

Maybe so, but I doubt she cares one way or the other. I suspect the OP is the one agonising about it as she's the one grieving in this instance. I can't imagine her brother's ex is worrying about anything other than getting what her DS is entitled to (which he is of course); she won't care whether her ex's sister likes her or not.

But the OP is a connection with her DS's father's side of the family, and that might matter to her DS one day. It would be best to keep the door open.

TheFirstMrsDV you are very far off the mark. I don't dislike my nephew's mum nor am I jealous of her. I certainly don't want to steal the affections of my nephew - I have 3 sons of my own, I'm really not looking for another one. I am also definitely not trying to hand on to my brother through his son - that would be ridiculous.

Then why contact now, when you haven't for 14 years?

Graphista I can honestly say I have done absolutely nothing to make my Nephew's mum feel that I don't like her but as I mentioned above my brother could be manipulative (he suffered from quite severe depression at times) so I don't know what he might have said to her - I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come out of it well even though especially at the time we were very close and I tried everything to help him.

Thank you all for your points, even the ones who flamed me! The object of the post was to get an outside perspective and I've certainly got that. I really do not know the woman at all - she could be the nicest person on earth. FWIW when I initially contacted her I did mention that my brother could be very difficult at times and that I didn't agree with him never taking an interest in his son.