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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's son

210 replies

chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 11:28

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

OP posts:
redexpat · 25/02/2018 12:19

The thing is she probably doesnt know that you tried to establish a relationship before you db died, so for her it might seem like youre only interested in your dn now he has got some money. What was your relationsjip like with her before they broke up?

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 12:21

Normally the funeral would be paid first out of any assets, however, the insurance company took the view that the payout should go to the boy's mother, which was fair enough. I see pictures of the boy on Facebook all the time and they seem like a genuinely nice and happy family so I really don't dislike the girl - I can see she is a very good mother. I would just have liked the opportunity to send a card or present or whatever but I didn't want something turning up out of the blue. I was going to send something at Christmas but I was talked out of it by several people.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 12:24

I think posting this in AIBU was never going to end well, OP. And saying what you did about her wanting money was always going to put you in a bad light.

I don't think you're vile in any way, and that was a very unkind thing for that poster to say. But you do seem to have a very dim view of your DN's mum, despite your protestations. which will make it very difficult to build a relationship with him, as his loyalty wii he to his mum.

You could send him a card offering to tell him about his dad, and leave the door open for him to get in touch with you if he wants to. But you shouldn't send a present.

YearOfYouRemember · 25/02/2018 12:25

If you want to send something send it. How old is the child?

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 12:26

I don't really think it would benefit this child to have contact with you as your negativity about his mother, the only parent who has actually been there, could be damaging to him. The time to make contact was when she was alone with a baby/ young child and probably in need of some support.

Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 12:27

I would let sleeping dogs lie. If she wants she will get in touch but it’s her choice. Shame you didn’t try to get in touch before.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 12:27

For clarification it wasn't a lot of money - a few thousand at most. I spoke to my mum and said to her that any estate there was rightfully belongs to the child - I was trying to do the right thing. Yes my brother got to the stage he couldn't be bothered and I could hardly get in contact with her when my brother didn't make the effort. The other thing I was thinking of was putting money in a savings account and maybe pay at over when the boy is 18 or 21? I'm not trying to muscle in on her family either - I have my own children who don't know their cousin and I just think it's a bit of a shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 12:28

The child is going to be 14

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 12:29

When is the last time you saw him?

RandomMess · 25/02/2018 12:30

I'd put money away for him and get in touch with him directly when he's 18.

DalekDalekDalek · 25/02/2018 12:30

I think the fact you keep referring to him as "the boy" and "the child" rather than "my nephew" says a lot.

From your posts you sound quite judgemental about his mum and if she's picked up on this (whether you mean it or not) it might be why she is reluctant to let you have contact.

If I was you I would wait for her to answer you and then abide by her decision. The fact is, your brother wasn't a good father and she has no reason to trust you.

You could always send a card in the post (assuming you know where she lives) with your contact details on the back and then she can decide whether to give the card to him when she sees it is from you.

covertoperation · 25/02/2018 12:30

You are getting a flaming here OP but I don't think yabu
You seem to want a relationship with the boy but you will have to be patient and accept things in her terms.
She will be grieving also... for the fact that her son will never know his father and there is bound to be regret in there, even at the most basic idealistic level.
I think you should keep the door open and be prepared for rejection because the chances are he will want to know you and your family when he gets older. Good luck I really hope this has a positive outcome for everyone

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2018 12:31

You could have and should have got in contact with her.

She's probably took the money with the view that the boy got nothing else from your side of the family and why should he get nothing.

To abandon your children is disgusting and scum bag behavior, its all a bit too little too late.

Blahdeblah123 · 25/02/2018 12:33

OP, didn't want to read and run, I have no advice but I do think you are getting a bit of a rough time here. I'm very sorry for your loss. Hopefully when the time is right you can get some sort of relationship with your nephew.

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2018 12:33

I think that you should put money away and get a hell of a lot more respect towards his Mum, who is twice the person your Brother was.

And No, I'm not projecting, I was happily married and so were my Parents.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 12:33

I haven't seen him since he was a baby. Both my brother and this girl didn't ever have a great relationship - they were only going out about six weeks when she became pregnant and they split up very soon thereafter although he was at the birth and was very good for the first few months. Don't get me wrong, he was being entirely selfish and nothing would ever keep me away from my children but I just couldn't ever get him to see it from the girl's point of view. The girl is very very close to her parents so she has always had support.

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 12:34

People were flaming op because the way she spoke about her nephews mother wanting money when she was left to raise her child who’s now 14 on her own and didn’t go searching for money for him.

Peachyking000 · 25/02/2018 12:37

Aka your nephew

It comes across odd that you keep referring to him as “the boy” “the child” “brother’s son”

BettyBaggins · 25/02/2018 12:37

I grew up in a somewhat complicated family. If I had had a kind Aunt I would of been rather happy. I believe a child has a right to know its close family if they are a loving positive influence.

stitchglitched · 25/02/2018 12:39

In that case I definitely think you should stay away tbh. You haven't seen him in so long, you are a total stranger who made a decision not to get in touch at any point over the past 14 years. He has a happy family unit, what right do you have to disrupt his life now?

elisenbrunnen · 25/02/2018 12:39

Why would you 'put money aside'? Your nephew has parents. You have your own children.

Are you trying to 'buy' a cousin'? Cos it's really not necessary - your children may have a cousin they might never know; plenty of people do. Enhance their friendships instead.

I think the child's mum is telling you quite clearly that she has no time for her ex's family. Sad, but you have no 'rights' to the child.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 12:40

The thing is he doesn't feel like my nephew because we have never had a relationship with him. Do you think maybe I could send a card even with a voucher in it so that if the girl doesn't want to tell him about it she can pass it off as her own gift? That wouldn't bother me - I just wanted to feel like I am doing the right thing because my brother didn't. And for the record, of course she is going to be suspicious of my - why wouldn't she be? She must be extremely bitter. She isn't the saint some of you are making her out to be either. I remember one me and my DH met them for a meal in Glasgow. She got very drunk and was vile to me - no idea why and in fact when she went to the toilet someone at the next table leaned over and said that they couldn't believe the way she was talking to me. I didn't hold a grudge by the way - we all say and do stupid things after drinking.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 25/02/2018 12:40

I'm not sure the insurance co had the legal right to issue funds to your nephew's mum rather than pay for the funeral. Legally the funeral expenses have first claim on an estate - it is about the only expense which outranks an inland revenue claim!
That said, it's done now and your nephews mum will have all future expenses involved in raising your nephew, so try not to begrudge her spending this ins money as she sees fit. If it hadn't existed then your mum still would have paid.

What you have to consider is whether you bring any benefit to this child's life. Your brother was not a great dad, so you are not keeping alive for this child a memory of a loving father. You are also quite critical of this child's mum, so if you did have contact you'd have to be super careful not to let that be known to your nephew. Can you manage that? Remember, they are the family unit and you are the outsider. The mum has been left with all the responsibility and doesn't need you sticking your oar in and being critical.

Otoh, if you can be kind and supportive, it's a good thing for kids to know their roots and develop relationships with a bio parent's family, if that bio family is nice.

Only you can say, but be honest with yourself before you stir up a settled family unit - you can't be flaky with children's feelings.

TheBakeryQueen · 25/02/2018 12:41

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it would be lovely to build bridges and your nephew might get some comfort from having some contact with his dad's family provided everyone takes things slowly and at his pace.

Maybe broach the idea with his mum. I've always had the view that the more people that love a child, the better.

charlestonchaplin · 25/02/2018 12:41

People don't want to try to be objective. They want to give you a (metaphorical) kicking for every time they felt judged. I wouldn't pay much attention to it.