Brother's son

[chickinlikin]

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

SideOrderofSprouts there could well be an element of that - you are right and it is strange to see how alike he is to my brother. We will see what happens - I have half a mind to send a card with some money or whatever but I would be frightened it would end up in he bin.

Winteriscoming18 that is completely possible and if my nephew's mum had come back and said that I would have no issue - it would the honest approach rather than reading my message and ignoring it.

Being dyslexic doesn't prevent you apologising for being an arse to the OP about her recently deceased brother.

I am big enough to apologise to you now you have said that dyslexia is the reason for your post being hard to understand. Yet you still can't apologise for your generally nasty comments.

Im not a dickhead for having some sympathy for OP and wondering what these attacks are doing to her when she is still grieving.

I think you are getting a hard time when simply you are trying to make some effort to keep in touch with your dead brothers son so he has a link to your family. Nothing wrong with that. I don't imagine the mum is going to make that easy for you though. If she doesn't reply maybe send another message and just say "Please don't think I'm interfering. I would love to see you and nephew one day. I know you and my brother didn't have great relationship but I've always wanted to be able to see nephew, I know it's an awkward situation but if you ever want to meet or he has any questions about his dad I would love to meet you" just leave the ball in her court. But be prepared for a long wait. No doubt the boy will have his own questions at some point.

@Winteriscoming18 you're coming across really badly when the OP has actually been quite kind to you, sympathising about your mum. You've taken against her for some reason, and you're being very offensive on here. I have reported your posts.

I expect it's escaped your notice that the OP is grieving, too, she's lost her DM and DB in a fairly short space of time.

for your loss, @chickinlikin

Chickinlickin she was messaging you constantly about the money because it was owed to her son. She didnt need to message you again after that - she is not asking for anything her son is not entitled to. Like you said, she has her own support network. She has built it up over 14 years raising your nephew alone. Dont be surprised she doesnt want a reminder of the father who let her son down.

Even of she did spend the money on a holiday - maybe it was what you DN wanted. Maybe he hadnt been on any before and they made a family decision to share some happiness. Do you really think they need a strange 'aunt' frowning upon their happiness?

She was not raising her son alone, @Londresdemain the OP has said that she married again soon after and had another child. The OP was happy for her about this. It would help if people like you read the thread and stopped projecting.

Well said Lizzie48

DeathStare well would you speak to your friends the way you have spoken to me?

The way I have spoken to you? What the hell have I done?

I said I didn't think you should walk out of a child's life for 14 years and expect to be able to walk back in. You asked for opinions on this issue. If you don't want opinions contrary to your own then don't ask.

And I said - as did many others - that they way you talk about your nephew's mother comes across as judgemental.

If that's being nasty, I suggest you never ask for another opinion again as clearly you count any opinion that disagrees with your own as being nasty.

Would I speak to my friends the way I spoke to you? If they asked for my opinion, then yes.

Londresdemain firstly my nephew's mum's facebook page is full of pictures of a long line of holidays over the years so I certainly don't think there was any lack there. Also, if you said to a 13 year old that they had come into some money from their dead father are they likely to ask you to put the money into high interest bearing account for their future? As if?

DeathStare to be fair if it was a close friend you would maybe know the people in question and could be more objective. I wanted honest opinions, that's why I asked on here. I will leave things for now and a few years later I will come back on here and I will get flamed for not trying harder and giving up too easily.

DeathStare to be fair if it was a close friend you would maybe know the people in question and could be more objective

TBH I disagree. I think if you know the people involved you are much more likely to be subjective.

But if that's what you believe, and objectivity is what you want, then don't ask strangers on the internet. If you only want the opinions of people who know the situation intimately then only ask the people who know the situation intimately.

But don't ask a bunch of strangers online for their opinions, then get nasty with them when some of their opinions don't agree with yours, and then complain that actually they need to understand the situation the way a close friend would.

I think you have had some very nasty and undeserved comments flung at you , OP, when you were only trying to be kind to a blood relative and whilst you are still mourning your brother. You seem only to have been acting with the best intentions but I think it unlikely that you are going to have a relationship with your nephew whilst he is a minor.

The relationship with his mother and yourself has been established now as one that is not going to go forward any time soon. I can understand how she might feel defensive towards you - you haven't been part of her life and she doesn't want it now. It may very well be of benefit to the boy to have another relative who has warm feelings towards him but that can't come at the expense of his normal family dynamic just now You could try to keep channels a little bit open by sending the family a low key xmas card, addressed to the family, not the boy.

When he reaches 18, that is another matter- he is will be able to decide for himself if he wants any or continued contact. There have been elements of this, though not the same, in my extended family and in our case patience and discretion has been rewarded, though it took time.

For those saying the funeral should have been paid out of the estate first - true, but the insurance money is separate from the estate - it is technically a discretionary payment which takes it out of being a part of an estate ( important for tax purposes) .

Lizzie48 what am I projecting?

Chickinlickin yes you are making a very sensible suggestion as to protect the money of your nephew - but you have no idea what they really did with it. From a bit of facebooking you have made your decision and decided they did the wrong thing. This sounds like a whole load of stress they dont need in their lives.

Chick Ignore the dickheads and the trolls replying to you on here.

I think you're getting some very heavy handed projection and bitterness unfairly being thrown at you.

Have you thought about writing your nephew a letter/email and telling him that despite his father's absence in his life, he will always be part of your family and you hope one day he might want to meet you or know more about his father's side of his family and if/when he does you will welcome him with open arms?

I wouldn't put money in to a bank account for him, I think that's inappropriate. You don't know him, you've already said that and having a savings account for him is a very personal thing to do and I fear he will happily accept the money at 18 and you'll hear nothing more from him.

I also wouldn't send him money now as his mum sounds very grabby and you don't 'owe' him anything, and it's not your place to compensate him or his mum for your brother's failings as a dad,

Aside from sending a letter/email I think you should step back and leave him alone. He has a family by the sound of it and a 'dad'. You are a stranger to him as he is to you. Hard though it is he might not want anything to do with you, or be curious about his father's family.

I will see what happens in the future and I won't push it. I may well be unfairly judging my Nephew's mum but it does stick in the throat a wee bit that she has hardly ever worked in her entire life but can afford three holidays a year, various weekends away and lots of meals out.

It is really telling that fathers can walk away from their kids, provide nothing or the bare minimum and then when a mother has the strength to pursue what her child is legally entitled to she is labelled 'grabby.' No wonder so many (mainly) men get away without supporting their children.

She didn't work but she was raising her kids. Your brother didn't work or raise his kids. Based on the fact that you can barely let a few minutes pass without another snide dig at this boy's mother I really hope you leave him be.

I will see what happens in the future and I won't push it. I may well be unfairly judging my Nephew's mum but it does stick in the throat a wee bit that she has hardly ever worked in her entire life but can afford three holidays a year, various weekends away and lots of meals out

Maybe she won the lottery? Maybe she inherited? Maybe her husband is rich? Maybe she had compensation for some reason or another?

Who knows? You probably never will. But stop judging her for it.

Its clear you really do not like this woman.
She probably realises that.
Why on earth would she want to get involved with someone who dislikes her so much?
The child is not old enough to have independent contact so she would have to deal with you.
Your brother was the absent by choice parent, not the mother.

Perhaps its just easier for you to despise her because you loved your brother too much to feel bitterness at his actions?

OP
Well as i said, if you suspect fraud, you should report it. If she is not committing fraud then nothing will happen.

I realise you think it is your nephew who may suffer but ultimately people who break the law by claiming benefits they are not entitled to are morally bankrupt. Turning a blind eye is too common.

It amazes me that some people dont think fraud is a criminal matter. I would not hesitate.

I think the letter idea is a good suggestion. Leave the door open for your nephew.

DeathStare none of those apply here but you are right to a certain extent - I shouldn't judge - I don't really know her and there are two sides to every story. FWIW I went on and on at my brother to find another job but there was no talking to him and in essence I probably judged him too. I feel it is really important for people to work to earn money and to boost their self esteem and also to be a good example. She wasn't working prior to having children or was only very briefly employed. There is no doubt though that she absolutely adores her children and is a very good mother so that is definitely in her favour. Also, I know my brother could be a bit manipulative and I've no idea what he told her about me.

Stitch OP contacted the boys mother and made her aware of the insurance policy, she didn't have to, the boy's mother kept contacting her pursuing the money, the boy's mother remained in contact until she had received the money and then stopped replying to OP. That is why I labelled her 'grabby'.

That doesn't make her grabby and she has no obligation to remain in contact with someone who is a stranger, who hasn't seen her child since she was a baby. She probably saw OP as the executor dealing with her brother's estate, nothing more.

You made assumptions that the OP's nephew's mum was raising him alone and struggling financially, so you didn't read the thread. Maybe projecting was the wrong word.

Yes, there is anger against her brother's ex, but that may be because she can't bring herself to speak ill of her brother now that he's dead. Grief is like that.