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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother's son

210 replies

chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 11:28

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:12

Sorry to hear about your brother OP.

Your intention are decent and it is a difficult position to be in. Unfortunately you may have to let it go. The boy may well want some contact when he is older.

As for winter
Jesus Christ you are a nasty piece of work aren't you. Take a read back at your posts. Where is all your anger coming from towards OP, and over the top defence of a person you don't know. If you have any decency you would hang your head in shame but i am guessing not.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:12

Worldsworstcook thank you so much I really appreciate your words. I am not using the term DN because I don't feel as if I have the right to do that - I don't feel like his aunt because I haven't built up a relationship with him. I am extremely close to my own children - myself and my DB didn't have the greatest upbringing and my family are my world. I really just wanted DN to know that he has family out there who would love to get to know him if he wanted that at some time in the future. And by the way, it's nothing to do with my brother no longer being here - I would have loved to have been able to watch him grow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:16

Thierryhenryneedisaymore thank you for that. I knew I would get a bit of a flaming but I was genuinely only asking for advice from an independent source. DN's mum wasn't a single mother for very long - she has another child who is only slightly younger and she has been with that child's father ever since. From what I can see he has taken on DN as his own, which I think is fantastic.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 25/02/2018 13:17

You don’t have to use silly Mumsnet abbreviations, nephew is correct even if you’re not close to him. Still doesn’t explain why you’re so disrespectful of his mother that you call her ‘girl’. I’m still finding it difficult to believe that this is purely about wanting a relationship with the child, why mention money at all?

NewYearNewMe18 · 25/02/2018 13:20

I wish people would fuck right off with the whole 'woman not girl' bollox. It's colloquial speech - the majority of us use colloquial speech.

Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 13:21

Thierryhenryneedisaymore I’m only saying what many people have said.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:21

EdmundCleverClogs what the hell other motivation could I have? I''m not looking for any money from them. If I was that desperate I could have committed fraud and not given the insurance company any information at all - and if I hadn't seen the screen shot of the messages I would never have been able to get in touch with the WOMAN (is that better?).

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:22

Newyearnewme
Clearly those doing that are looking for any ridiculous reason to attack the OP. Nothing moreand nothing less. Nasty and unnecessary. A bit pathetic too.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:26

Winter
No, you took nastiness to a whole new level and i seriously think an apology is on order. The lowest i think is when you suggested in your 1143 post that OP felt her brother was a waste of space. She said nothing of the kind. It as uncalled for and she is probably still grieving.

Shame on you.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:28

Do all the people on here who are trying to rip me to bits have any friends or are you the ones that say they have no close friends and they are really sad about it? By the way some of you are treating me I can't think they can have much going on in their lives. I was genuinely asking for advice from people I don't know about what to do because obviously my friends and family are going to agree with my and I just wanted a more objective opinion. You wouldn't need to have low self esteem coming on here would you>

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 13:31

In regards to his son he was he gave up and allowed his ex to raise there son. Op wants to give a gift maybe a relationship but then makes digs about her nephews mother only wanting the money which totally unnecessary totally uncalled when she was a single mother. Regardless if she got married ops brother didn’t step up in regards to his son. If op hadn’t been so negative about the dm she would have got completely different replies.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:32

This annoys me so much.

MN should be removing some people for the sheer nastiness directed at OP.

OP
Anyone decent can see you are trying to do the right thing. Ignore the fucking numpties on here. Not worth worrying about. Sad people who seem consumed with anger and bitterness. Speaks volumes about them!

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:32

Thierryhenryneedisaymore thank you so much for sticking up to me. I am still grieving and actually still find it very hard to believe. There's not many people in real life who want to hear me harping on about it so I usually just keep my feeling to myself. I really wish my brother had had a really good relationship with his son - he had kind of drifted away from us in the last few years of his life but before that we were very very close and he loved my sons to bits and kept them overnight sometimes and took them out - which is probably rare for a single man living alone - they adored him for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:35

Winteriscoming18 the point is she was messaging me constantly chasing me for the payout. As soon as she got the money (she didn't tell me this by the way, the insurance company wrote to me) she never contacted me again apart from when she asked what happened to his house!

OP posts:
DeathStare · 25/02/2018 13:36

MN should be removing some people for the sheer nastiness directed at OP

Oh I think the OP has been just as nasty back

Do all the people on here who are trying to rip me to bits have any friends or are you the ones that say they have no close friends and they are really sad about it?

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:36

Winteriscoming18 you seem very bitter - I assume there are parallels with your own life which is why you are hitting out at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:38

DeathStare well would you speak to your friends the way you have spoken to me? I certainly wouldn't ask you for advice in real life - you would have me swinging from the rafters!

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 13:39

No my ds sees his df regularly and have a good relationship and my own df is an amazing man who unfortunately has terminal cancer and has been in hospital with pneumonia. I think what you said about the mother was disgraceful when for the last 14 years and done it all on her own with the bare minimum of maintenance.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:41

Winter
How about some punctuation and your posts might be easier to understand?

I imagine the reason for the lack of punctuation, and random words thrown in, making your last post hard to read / understand, is the angry typing you are doing whilst being so desperate to post quickly and have a go at OP that you don't read back before you post.

Anyway, still no apology for OP forthcoming for the vile comment about brother who is now dead????? Disgusting.

Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SideOrderofSprouts · 25/02/2018 13:46

I think you are getting a kicking on here. But I wonder if some of this is trying to cling onto the last part of your brother. You have said
How your nephew looks like your brother. I can understand why you would want to be in his life. But I also do wonder if it is trying to keep a part of your brother in your life.

Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 25/02/2018 13:47

Winter

Youare embarrassing yourself.

Once again at 1143 (that post you probably now wish would disappear) you made an assumption abut OP brother not contributing financially .... at that point she hadn't said a word about any financial contribution.

You took against her straight away.

On another note, OP, if you suspect tax credit fraud, report it. No-one us above the law.

Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:47

Winteriscoming18 I am very sorry about your dad and you must be under a tremendous amount of stress. When did I make any disgusting comments about my nephew's mother? I can only judge by how she was with me, constantly messaging me and asking about my DB's financial situation and then when she get the insurance money and realises there is no more money she disappears off the face of the earth and has never been back in touch. If she had messaged me back and said it was a nice gesture or even got back to advise that it would be too confusing for my nephew then I would completely understand. I could put this all to the test and send her another message offering to pay say £100 into her bank account or set up a monthly direct debit and I bet she would come back to me quick enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickinlikin · 25/02/2018 13:48

Thierryhenryneedisaymore I do suspect that is the case, however, I would never report her - the person who would really suffer would be my nephew and I just want him to be happy.

OP posts:
Winteriscoming18 · 25/02/2018 13:50

Have you ever thought her ds doesn’t want to have a relationship with his fathers side of the family op? He’s old enough to feel that rejection from his father and doesn’t feel able to have a relationship with his extended family members. Would expect the lack of response.

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