Brother's son

[chickinlikin]

I've name changed for this but I would just like some outside perspective. My brother died last year. He had a son from whom he was mostly estranged, mostly because he didn't make the effort. His relationship with the mother didn't last long. I always bought presents for the son and gave them to my brother but in the end I stopped because I wasn't sure if they were actually getting sent on. Anyway before he died (very suddenly and unexpectedly) he had been trying to get in contact with his son. Sadly it wasn't to be. I messaged the boy's mum through facebook and told her what had happened and also said there was a policy which the insurance company wanted to pay out to the child. She kept sending messages to see if I had made contact with the insurance company and passed on her details - I did this more or less straight away but I was kind of all over the place. Anyway, she got the money and hasn't been back in touch. It is the boy's birthday soon and I asked if it would be ok to send a gift but I would understand if she thought this was a bad idea. Anyway I can see she has read my message and not responded. What are your thoughts? I think the boy must know all about his dad because they had been planning to meet up before he died. AIBU sending a present? I wasn't looking to make contact with the boy directly unless he wanted to.

He's 14 and you've not seen him since he was born? And in all that time you haven't contacted his mum to say that you'd like to see him? Whatever the contact was between him and his dad is irrelevant. YOU could still have made contact if you wanted.

When I was reading this post I thought you were going to say he was a toddler or pre-school aged child. But you have been out of his life for 14 years and now suddenly want to get back in touch. I'm not surprised his mum is slow to respond. And I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't respond (or responded with a resounding no).

I'm sorry OP, I know you've lost your DB and must be feeling very sad about about that, but you can't walk out of a child's life for 14 years and then expect that you can just walk back in again.

First of all sorry you have lost your brother, I can only imagine what that is like, I assume he was relatively young too.

I am surprised the insurance company didn't insist that the money was put aside for your nephew. As it is, I don't care who gets their back up about it, I reckon she's spent the lot. Sure the son may have benefited from a holiday or something, but at 14 it would have been easy to put most of it away for him when he is 18.

Send one last message saying you'd like to keep in touch can you send cards etc., and leave it at that. Do not offer or send any more money. When he is 18, then you can decide - if you want to get in touch then, its up to him as an adult. You might find that doesn't go well, but that's 4 years away.

stitch - I searched for the girl many times and couldn't find her that's why I was never before - I didn't know if she was married or not and where she lived. I only found out after my brother died because her details were on his computer. I don't want to disrupt their family at all and am not trying to buy my sons a cousin, I just wanted to do something nice and try and make amends for my brother's failings. You wouldn't need to go on AIBU if you were feeling depressed would you - it would likely push you over the edge!

I'm not sure the insurance co had the legal right to issue funds to your nephew's mum rather than pay for the funeral. Legally the funeral expenses have first claim on an estate - it is about the only expense which outranks an inland revenue claim!

The insurance funds weren't part of the estate as they weren't ever in the ownership of the deceased. It's different if someone has a funeral policy, but in this case it seems to be a life policy. They can only be paid out to a named person, in this case they go to his son, hopefully to compensate for the fact that there will be no more child support payments.

I think it's lovely that you're trying and I hope some of the effort comes through to the boy, though from the sound of it both your brother and the boy's mother might be passing off your gifts as theirs.

But if the boy ever comes to realise what you've done, how you've tried, it might mean a lot.

You aren't responsible for your brother's failings, but at the same time this young man isn't a vehicle for you to use to alleviate to your misplaced guilt. He doesn't deserve to have his life disrupted so that you can make youself feel better.

I think the fact you keep referring to him as "the boy" and "the child" rather than "my nephew" says a lot.

I thought exactly this. Along with calling his mother ‘the girl’. She’s not a girl, she’s a woman - the one your brother knocked up and seemingly ignored for years. Honestly, who actually refers to people this way .

And to be frank who cares if she spent the money on a family holiday? Maybe having sole financial and physical responsibility for her child has meant that she couldn't afford one before now.

Please not calling your nephew he boy and the mother the girl it’s almost comes across that you are disconnected. The comment about her being drunk and rude well who hasn’t misbehaved when they been drunk? I would imagine she is not the same person you knew 15 years later.

StaplesCorner I suspect you are correct and the insurance money has been spent on holidays. I just feel that money should have been put in a fund for the benefit of the boy when he gets older. I had no idea where this girl lived until after my brother died but she knew where I was. He had told me she had married and I had no idea what her married name was but as it turns out she is not using her married name. I sent her a copy of the Death Certificate so that at least the boy will know who his father was - and yes, he was late 40s and died in his sleep very suddenly - we had to get the police to break open the door of his flat.

How much maintenance did your brother pay over the last 14 years?

Winteriscoming18 - if you read my post you will see that I didn't judge her or hold a grudge against her for being awful to me - you can't judge what people are like from one drunken episode.

So presumably he was in his mid 30s when he had him, so not a young scared kid. How old was she? Because you keep referring to her as a girl.

stitchglitched I think he paid the bare minimum - he was out of work and had no money. To be honest I could have judged this girl from the things he would tell me about her but I wouldn't do that - I prefer to react to how people are when I meet them, not what I have been told - I always took it with a pinch of salt. FWIW I originally had her phone number and text quite a few times to start with but she changed her number and didn't give me the new one.

Yes but you use this to try and support your claim she isn’t as nice as posters thing. Why do you keep referring to her as a girl she’s a woman in her 40s? And her son is your nephew not the boy. As stitch said so what if she used it to go on holiday maybe she’s had to make sacrifices for 14 years old and not he the opportunity to take her ds away so has used this a treat. Why should she have to search her ex’s family members out to have a relationship with her ds.

chickinlikin you may say that you don't judge her but your whole series of posts is coming across as incredibly judgmental - passing comment on how (you believe) she spent the money, commenting on her life style/employment, referring to her as "the girl", talking about (relatively minor) things she must have done 15 years ago. If you weren't judging her, those things wouldn't have even been mentioned. Your question was about sending a gift - none of those are relevant to that.

When I say girl I mean woman - they were of a similar age when they met. At that time my brother had a really good job, his own flat and a nice car but it all went pear shaped when he was made redundant.

So he paid his ex 5 pounds a week if she was lucky? That’s pittance isn’t it really. They wouldn’t even cover his school dinners. That’s 71p a day.

She is a WOMAN not a girl

wow @winter you're really invested in this aren't you.

I second everything @Lizzie48 said

So the only concrete thing you know is that your brother didn't provide financially for his child or bother to see him, and that she has been their child's sole carer and seemingly has given him a happy family unit. The speculation about her motivations and her character, and what she might have spent the money on are really unfair.

Deathstare I wouldn't have mentioned any of that but I feel as if I'm having to defend myself on her - it was just an example. I've previously mentioned that the boy seems very happy and they look to be a very loving family and to be fair that's all that really matters.

Why do you refer to them as 'this girl' and 'the boy', OP? They are your DN and his mum. It's the reason you're not coming across well at all.

I think you're getting a totally unfair pasting from some posters on here OP. You've done nothing wrong and in fact have done the right things. Some posters are assuming the mother has carefully put away the money for upkeep when it's just as likely she's spent it on herself. Nobody here actually knows.

Anyway OP, I think it's reasonable that you make the effort and actually yes it would quite probably make a difference to your nephew especially when he grows up, that his aunt made an effort and tried to show him she cared. Even if the presents and cards etc don't make it to him, you can say hand on heart that you sent them and you wanted to see him and have some kind of relationship with him, no matter how distant or close, his mother depending.

Coming from a broken up family myself it definitely nice that kids know who reached out and who said "none of my business/can't be bothered" and didn't.

Kids can't have too many interested and loving family members in their lives, especially one who has obviously not had the benefit of a good relationship with his biological dad. His biological aunt wanting to know him will mean something, even a little.

You are clearly a lovely and kind person - at no stage did you excuse your brother's lack of interaction.

You are not being unreasonable, by any means. Certainly send an age appropriate gift, I would steer clear of money but steam cards for online gaming are great at this age.

You could include a card and sign it from your family inc your dcs so he knows he's got cousins, and who knows he may contact yourself or your dcs at some point in facebook.

Don't give up OP till you're told to!